Leigh Kelly

Being the sole caregiver for someone can be a hard and lonely job. Perhaps it feels like something you never signed up for, but still have to do.

This can be accompanied by feelings of guilt… but I’m here to tell you, that sort of thinking is more normal than you think.

Whether it’s a parent, a spouse or a partner, taking on this role will always have its ups and downs. So in this article, we’ll cover some lines of action that you can take in order to maximize the ups, and minimize the downs.

How Did You End Up Here?

Whether you have opted to take over this role by choice or it has been forced upon you, the hard times will only get harder if you do not look after yourself.

Please don’t think this is selfish. It’s not.  

It is something that will enable you to continue what you are doing for longer. So how are you going to do this?

1. Be Clear From The Beginning

Don’t feel duty bound to fulfill the wishes of someone who has said “Please don’t ever put me in care dear…”

It is easy to say “Of course I won’t” when they are fit and able, or in the early stages of a disease or the aging process.

At that point you will have no idea what you are committing yourself too, so you have to be honest.

Instead of making a promise you can’t keep, say something like:

“I will do my best for as long as I can… but please do not be angry with me if I feel I can’t do the job and I have to seek help. I would rather preserve my relationship and love for you rather than grow to resent you.”

2. Make Sure You Take Of Yourself As Well

I’ve said it many times, but it’s so easy to forget in practice that it’s always worth repeating: Don’t let yourself get so tired that you become grumpy.

This will very likely make you say and/or do things that could play on your guilt even more.

Everyone says things they don’t mean, especially if you are tired due to a lack of sleep.

For each hour of sleep you lose, it is cumulative, and it takes time to make it up.  

So if you are used to getting 7 hours sleep a night, and since caring for your loved one, you end up only 4 hours’ sleep, little of which is quality sleep, you are losing 3 hours sleep a night.

That is 21 hours over week you may have lost. On top of this, your coping skills will be reduced and you are likely to get edgy and irritable.

Remember, it is not selfish to think of yourself. You are merely making sure you are in the best possible shape to fulfill your role as a caregiver properly.

3. Have A Plan B

Before you embark on this journey, develop an Advanced Care Plan.

This is where you have a conversation with your loved one that covers all eventualities that may occur.

Include in this the “what if I can’t take care of you or something happens to me?”

This may include you going to visit residential facilities to have a look at what is available so they are involved in the process. That way they can choose where they would like to live in such circumstances.

You know when you go to visit them that this is not going to happen now – it is only a Plan B.

It could be somewhere for them to go for Day Visits or to give you a break every once in awhile so you can charge your batteries in order to carry on with the job of caring.

Being proactive will save everyone a lot of headaches – even if you never have put Plan B into action.

4. Take A Time-Out Every Once In Awhile

Make arrangements so that you can take some time out for yourself at least once a week.

You can request for someone to come and stay with the person so you can get out and just do things for you.

It doesn’t have to be only necessary errands like grocery shopping or going to the bank… you can also use that break to get a massage or go for a walk in the park.

You could go and have a coffee with a friend, do some shopping, take a book somewhere quiet or simply catch up on your sleep and recharge your batteries.

Whatever it is you do, remember it’s right for you. You don’t have to feel guilty either.  This is you preserving your sanity – and your loved one’s as well.

5. Watch Your Diet

When you are tired, it makes it really hard to think of some of the simple things like meal planning and cooking.

It may be easier to just pick up the phone and order anything instead of cooking. While there is nothing wrong with doing this occasionally, on a regular basis it does not help you or your loved one.

Most takeout meals are high in salt, carbohydrates and fat. They may help you to feel full, but they do not nourish you.

Not all takeout is bad though… You can plan ahead and order some nutritionally sound food from a company that provides food prepared specially for those who cannot cook for themselves.

Order a supply and keep it in the fridge or freezer for later consumption. This way you will get a meal that is nutritionally balanced that will help to sustain both you and your loved one.

Proactivity Leads To A Win-Win

As you can hopefully see now, there are many things that you can do to help you maintain your role while not neglecting yourself.

While it’s true that you’ll have to give up some things to continue caring for your loved one, some forward planning at the early stages of the process will benefit the both of you.

By being clear to them from the beginning, involving them in creating a plan B, making time for yourself and watching both your diets… caregiving can be a nurturing and bond-strengthening experience.

For other tips on being a better Caregiver, be sure to check out our free Challenging Behaviors Guide. It will help you deal with bad attitudes when trying to implement any of the actions we just discussed.

One of the biggest difficulties when being the principal caregiver for someone is to keep the person moving or as physically active as possible.

Otherwise, their muscles might begin to dwindle and stiffen, making it harder every time to move around and even making them more prone to injury.

However, as you may imagine, difficulties arise when a person refuses to walk or is in pain from even the slightest of movements.

But the reality is that even if you don’t want to force them to do anything, thinking that to be a loving carer you want to always keep them comfortable and pleased…

You are not serving them (or yourself) if you allow them to become increasingly immobile.

The adage of “use it or lose it” definitely applies here.

What Happens When Aging People Stop Moving

Growing old or coping with a disability is not for the faint hearted.

With loss of muscle mass (which can start from the age of 30 for some people) exercising becomes vitally important to help preserve one’s strength and vitality.

In other words, without the necessary blood flow and work that exercise provides the muscular system with, the negative effects of sedentarism are imminent.

You Don’t Want This To Happen

Without frequent exercise, the ligaments that connect bone to bone and keep the joints stable become less elastic and more prone to damage.

Then you have your tendons, which connect muscle to muscle.

Lacking exercise, they tend to lose their water content and become stiff.

So not only does it become more difficult to move around, but injuries are more likely to occur (and be more difficult to recover from) when a person does not move.

It doesn’t even stop with the muscles… The cartilage that cushions the joints also becomes drier with sedentarism.

In turn, this can lead to many arthritic conditions.

Bones, on their part, become more porous through loss of calcium and thus are rendered more vulnerable to fractures.

It’s Not Only Aging People

Although these things get more common with age, it is worth mentioning that young people are not exempt from the negative sides of inactivity.

Remember, “use it or lose it”.

So, same as with older people, the aging process can never be stopped or reversed. It can only be slowed down by staying active. 

Slowed down how much exactly? This is the good news.

The more you exercise, and from the earlier the age, the more these effects of aging can be delayed.

Keeping Active

Of course, the idea of maintaining an active lifestyle will vary according to the individual.

If the person you care for is disabled through disease, sickness or frailty… you cannot expect them to get up, go for a run around the block and do some push-ups.

But you can at least help them by getting them to stand up and take a few steps or even get up and sit down repeatedly.

A Few Movement Ideas

Any activity is better than no activity.

You must preserve their mobility (and your back) by getting them to stand for longer periods of time and at least taking a few steps around the house.

You can liven up your day, and theirs, by doing chair exercises to music.

Dancing is also a great activity for aging people, as it involves both body and mind.

Getting the arms and legs moving is a great way to lift their spirits, as well as yours.

Make it a fun activity that you both can enjoy.

It goes without saying, but laughter and fun can do wonders for a person in care.

Everyone Benefits From A Little Movement

Always remember, you are not serving the person in your care by allowing them to sit for long periods of time.

You will be exposing them to the risk of pressure injuries as well as loss of mobility.

And of course, all of these things contribute to making their life harder and your job more difficult.

Don’t forget yourself either. You need to get out and go for a walk as well.

Taking some time out can refresh not only your body, but also your mind.

And if you can do that with the person you’re caring for, even better.

Caring for someone doesn’t have to feel like a lonely existence. 

So every time your loved one says “don’t move me dear” or “just leave me to sit” or “it hurts too much” remember:

“Use it or lose it”.

You are doing it for yourself as much as them, and in the long run, they will thank you.

If you’re having trouble convincing your aging relative to move, be sure to check out our free Challenging Behaviors Guide. It will help you discover how to deal with this and other difficult attitudes without stressing too much.

If You’re Caring For Someone You’ve Known For A Long Time, Do You Actually Need Training?

You are now (or soon will be) faced with the fact you have to be the major caregiver for your elderly parent. Or it may even be your spouse…

But why do you need to have some training in this field?

You know them really well and what their needs are don’t you?

You don’t need someone else to tell you what to do or how to care for your loved one.

Unless… there may actually be a reason to have training to take care of aging loved ones.

Take a look at these 5 reasons and think about how they affect your ability to care for your loved ones.

1. Your Emotions Get The Best Of You

Everything I said above is very true… and important.

A professional caregiver cannot tell you the preferences of your loved one. You have known them for so long and, yes, you do know their quirks and idiosyncrasies.

However, when it comes to providing care, all your emotions will come to the fore and you could inadvertently cause them some harm.

Not through lack of love but from lack of knowledge.

2. You Are Not Neutral Towards That Person

You see, you will be challenged by the need to give good care with the desire to give the person what he or she wants.

So here lies the problem!

Your emotional attachment to the person may actually prevent you from meeting the best needs of your loved one.

Why?

3. You Want To Avoid Causing Pain To Your Loved One

Your need to provide comfort and avoid causing pain may, in the long run actually cause them more pain.

Let me explain…

Say for example, your loved one cries when you move them. They may even say, “Stop, don’t do that! This is hurting me.”

But leaving them in one position may actually cause a pressure injury… which will cause more pain to heal than if you turned them from side to side.

It’s important to be able to hear when a loved one is in pain…

But also be able to work with them through the small pain to avoid major problems later.

4. You Find It Hard To Go Against Their Wishes

Another thing that you may encounter is that a person may not want to eat.

Not wanting to force them to eat, you bend to their wishes.

But how are you going to provide them with nourishment that may help them to heal?

If you don’t know what is around that will give them the nourishment they need without expecting them to eat the food you have lovingly prepared for them…

Then they will become undernourished or even malnourished, which is worse.

5. Behavioral Changes Are Hard To Cope With

You may also have to cope with changes in behavior of the person you love.

They could change from the person you know to some other person you have never seen before.

These behaviors will challenge you beyond belief.

The normal compliant and loving person, may become an aggressive animal that will challenge your emotions.

It could even lead you to placing a person in care, long before they need to…

Simply because you did not know how to handle the problems and changes in behavior that person may be experiencing.

Seeking Assistance Or Seeking Training?

It makes good sense to learn some of the know-how of the trade because there are many tricks that will help you.

But these tricks are not always easy to find.

Even if you’re employing a professional caregiver to help you, they will probably come in, do the care for you and then leave.

This may be wonderful for an hour or two… but you have another 22 hours of the day to deal with.

Therefore, getting the skills and learning how to manage your emotions is key to being able to last the distance in the role of caregiving. And this is likely to be a marathon, not a sprint.

Knowing what you are doing is one of the battle skills that will make it easier for you to cope with the added responsibility.

Have a loved one that’s causing you stress? Click here to learn 6 powerful strategies for dealing with Challenging Behaviors in aging relatives.

How Can You Ensure That Your Wishes Are Carried Out If You Need Care?

Nobody knows what is around the corner for them…

And maybe you’ve never thought about writing your wishes down?

But if you don’t tell people what you want, then they will give you what they THINK you want…

Apart from the fact that you don’t get what you want… it can cause discord among family members – especially your children.

Without your wishes written down, they will be up for interpretation from all the different conversations you’ve had.

The fact remains, they don’t know what you want. And if you still don’t believe me, take a look at this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=728-6jBXyoc

So how are you going to overcome all of this?

Write it down yourself. Or at least in conjunction with those closest to you or your health practitioner.

This is the only way you will have any hope of getting the care or funeral you want.

So Where Do You Start?

This is why most people don’t get started in the first place.

It used to seem like the biggest stumbling block to overcome.

But that’s no longer the case as it’s been made easy by setting up an Advanced Care Plan or ACP.

All the information you need can be found here:
https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/publication/advance-care-planning

It covers all you need to know and how to take the first steps.

Need To Know: Writing An ACP

Firstly, you should have your Power of Attorney set up. This is likely to be legal document in some states or countries, so look into this first.

Then you should consider setting up an Advanced Directive or Living Will.

Some states and countries have specific forms to complete which could have different titles. So, again check out what is applicable for your state or country.

To understand more go to: http://www.patientsrightscouncil.org/site/advance-directives-definitions/

While an Advanced Care Plan is not necessarily a legal document, it does get you to think about what you want at the end of your life.

And it encourages you to discuss it with others and makes your wishes known.

This affords you the opportunity to get at least some of what you want and prevent your family from being at odds with each other when the time comes for these tough decisions to be made.

One thing to note is you need to review these documents on an ongoing basis because you may change your mind and new treatments are always being made available.

The Final Point I Want To Make Clear Is… 

Don’t just do it and leave it in a drawer somewhere.

Make sure you keep it with the appropriate people that are going to be able to carry out your wishes.

This could be a family member, solicitor, health professional or care facility.

Finally, if and when you update it, send the updated copy to the same people who had the original.

The 4 Most Important Things You Should Know About An Advanced Care Plan:

1. Talk to family about what you want and write it down
2. Gives copies to the people who need to know your wishes
3. Update it annually and give updated copies to the significant people in your life
4. Make sure each copy is dated and signed by you

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.