Care Training Online

Enabling Caregivers To Be The Best They Can Be

Leigh Kelly

What Is A Living Will Or Advanced Directive?

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Living Will and Advanced Directive

When you or a parent you’re caring for reaches a point in life where you know the end is fast approaching and you’re thinking about what you would like to have happen to you…

How are you going to ensure this critical information is communicated accurately?

You may have to enter a care facility that requires you to have an Advanced Directive or Durable Power of Attorney in place that forces you to consider a Living Will.

If you wait until you have a crisis, you’re way too late.

Leaving Things To Chance?

Now most people don’t think about these things because most don’t want to face the fact that they will die one day.

This may be because they don’t want to think about it at all or maybe they simply don’t understand the importance of having an Advanced Directive.

Whatever the reason, the fact still remains you don’t want to leave things to chance or to others.

Make the choice for yourself. And encourage your parents to think about it as well.

Why Is A Living Will Important?

Well let’s take a look at this scenario…

You’re at church one day and (God forbid) you collapse. You’re rushed to hospital and as you’re unconscious, the doctor asks, “Is this person for resuscitation? Do they have an Advanced Directive in place?”

Those around you look at each other and shrug!

Then someone says, “I know they don’t want to be resuscitated!”.

The doctors asks, “How do you know? Where is the proof? Is it in writing? Do they have it with them?”

And everyone around you looks at each other with blank stares. The fact is no one actually knows and the doctor will lose valuable time to act.

So, What Is An Advanced Directive?

An Advanced Directive is a “document by which a person makes provision for healthcare decisions in the event that, in the future, he/she becomes unable to make those decisions” (Patients’ Rights Council, Ohio).

Now, a Living Will is a legal document and is state and country specific. So be sure to check out these requirements first.

You can find more information at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0jNWMZUezU

There are many things you will need to think about.

Examples Of Decisions You May Have To Make

Do you want a physician to withhold or withdraw any medical interventions? If so, in what circumstances?

Do you want to be resuscitated? If so, under what circumstances?

Do you want to receive antibiotic treatment? Are there any exclusions?

Do you want to be an organ donor? Are there any limitations on organs to be donated?

Do you want to donate your body to science?

Another thing you need to consider is…

How Are Others Going To Know Your Wishes?

Will you carry a card on you with the relevant information and who your nominated proxy is if you cannot speak for yourself?

Will it be only in paper form with your solicitor?

Does your doctor have a copy?

Who in your family will know about your wishes?

Are there people you want excluded from having this information?

Write It Down

While it seems like there is a mountain of things that you need to know as you or your parents age…

If you want to have a say in a time of crisis then you need to write it down. Not later, but now.

Otherwise you’ll be leaving it to chance and trust that people will make the right decision for you.

Are you prepared to play this game of chance?

To learn more about Advanced Directives and how you can be prepared for a future crisis, check out this short video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaQ8Z9XFK8E

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

Why Have A Power of Attorney?

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Why Have A Power of Attorney?

What important discussions should you have with family?

We often leave the “hard stuff’ out of our conversations with our loved ones.

Like Do you want to be resuscitated? If so, in what situations?

Do you want to receive any aggressive treatment if you suffer a medical condition that could be terminal?

At what stage do you want help with finances?  Who are you going to trust with looking after your money and your welfare?

All the above are incredibly important conversations you need to have with your parents.

You should also think about it for yourself. Because if something happens to you, who is going to be your guardian or attorney?

If you don’t have this documentation that contains your choice of a guardian, it will be left for the courts to decide and they may not appoint the person you would choose.

I’m talking about making sure you have a Power of Attorney in place.

So, What Is A Power Of Attorney?

“A power of attorney (POA) or letter of attorney is a written authorization to represent or act on another’s behalf in private affairs, business, or some other legal matter, sometimes against the wishes of the other.”

Essentially what this means is that you have in writing who you (or your parents) want to look after your affairs if you cannot look after them yourself.

However, the word attorney should not be confused with a lawyer.  In the case we are talking about, it means someone to act on your behalf when you can no longer do it for yourself.

Generally, this person is not paid. However, if the person is receiving remuneration for doing this job, a written contract should be in place.

The Power of Attorney document does not need to be kept private, but the contract or remuneration should be.

Now that is cleared up let’s take a look at the basics for securing a Power of Attorney document.

Power Of Attorney Basics

First and foremost, you must have what is known as capacity – which means do you have the mental capacity to set this up.

For example, if a person has Alzheimer’s Disease or some other mental health issue that renders them not to have capacity, then they cannot set it up.

You can see why it is important to have this discussion early and have the documents in place as an insurance policy for you, so to speak.  Set it up now to make sure you get the people you want to speak or act for you or look after your property and finances.

Setting Up A Power Of Attorney

Now setting up a power of attorney or an enduring power of attorney, is a legal document.

While you may think a verbal discussion is sufficient, it may not be.  To ensure it is binding, it has to be in writing.  The exact wording or limitation of power may vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction so you are best to consult a lawyer to make sure you fully understand the stipulations.

You can find a power of attorney document for you to complete here:  https://www.rocketlawyer.com/sem/power_of_attorney

If you really want to save yourself and your loved one much heartache and grief by having to figure out what to do in a time of crisis, then plan ahead.

Be Proactive And Don’t Delay

Have the hard discussion with them NOW and put a plan in place to ensure they get their wishes granted. You’ll avoid the possibility of a random person who does not know you or your loved one from a bar of soap and has no emotion attached to the outcome (other than perhaps to get paid).

Be proactive.  Talk to your parent, consult with a lawyer and do it right the first time.

Also, don’t forget to review the document regularly.  Make sure it is always current because if something happens to the person you appoint before you require the power of attorney to be actioned, then you are back to square one not having your choice of person.

To clarify why you should have a Power or Attorney, check out this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqUeuBZtEaY

One more thing – know where the document is and tell others where it can be found.  Keep all your legal documents in the one place so you can have control over your circumstances.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

Managing The Holidays When Your Parents Move In

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Managing The Holidays When Your Parents Move InWell we have reached that time..

Yes, Mom and Dad can no longer look after themselves. They need help and they chose holiday time to move in with you.

You think, “Oh what am I going to do? I have so much on my plate! I knew this would happen one day… Why now right on Christmas?”.

The reality is that this was going to happen eventually, wasn’t it?

I mean, you knew they weren’t going to be able to look after themselves one day…

But you just didn’t want to face it, right?

It’s Not Just You

Too often this scenario plays out in many people’s lives.

At some point Mom or Dad (or both) decide they cannot do it on their own any more.

Worse still, they come for a holiday and they just stay!

They may live in another city and the traveling is getting to be too much for them.

Whatever the reason, you need to face the fact that this is going to happen some day and you may not be able to avoid it.

It Wasn’t In The Plan…

I know life takes over.

You become busy with children, school, community activities and work.

Mom or Dad didn’t take up too much of your time apart from the phone calls and occasional visits.

They were doing fine weren’t they? They seemed to be managing all right on their own?

But the fact is, they probably weren’t at all but didn’t tell you.

Can You Be Prepared?

So how are you going to prevent a situation where you have to scramble around and find solutions in a hurry?

The answer is simple:

  • Expect that it will happen one day. Anticipating that a problem will occur takes a lot of stress away from you – and from them.
  • Have the conversation with them early so you know what they are thinking.  It may be that they have always expected to move in with you or they may move in on short notice because they do not have a plan B.
  • Make some inquiries about suitable help in the home before a crisis occurs, or find out what residential care is available for short term or long term.

Yes, Parents Can Be Difficult

Now I know that parents can be difficult.

Some can have expectations of you that you have no intention of fulfilling.

Some parents may have no intention of ever moving in with you but suddenly they are faced with a situation out of their control… and they are relying on you to help.

We Aren’t All Prepared

Many cultures do not see this as a problem.

They expect to take care of their family at some point.

Some cultures expect a particular child to fill this role.

Some have their parent living with them while children are growing up… but this is not necessarily the case for all of us.

While it may have been more common 200 years ago or even 50 years ago, this is not the norm now.

The World Has Changed

We are a very mobile society.

It is quite rare for children to stay in the same town they grew up in these days.

We move to different cities, towns or even countries for jobs or by choice for a better life or job.

This makes it difficult for parents left, often with no one to speak up for or take care of them until a crisis situation develops.

Reducing Stress

So how can you reduce the trauma for all when or if this happens?

Well it really is quite simple.

Have these discussions early with your parents or parent.

As I said earlier, have a plan B in place.

Then even if things change, you still have a solid plan you can work with.

So these holidays, if you are lucky enough to have all the family together start the discussion.

Get everyone on the same page.

Have the start of a plan at least.  This will save a lot of distress for all concerned.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress?

Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on, maintain your relationship, and eliminate unnecessary stress .

Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?

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are-you-your-own-worst-enemy_Are you a carer struggling to care for a loved one at home on your own?

When did you last take a holiday or get a break? When did you last put yourself first?

Do you think you are the only one that can do the caring?

What will happen to your loved one if your fall apart if you are not able to continue caring?

What is your support network doing to help you? Do they just expect you to keep going 24/7 365 days a year?

Do you not trust anyone to take over your role?

Do you have trouble saying NO – I NEED A HOLIDAY!

You’re Not Alone…

Why am I saying this?

Well, it is very easy to fall into this trap…. but you do not need to be a martyr to yourself.

You will not get any medals at the pearly gates for just soldiering on, on your own.

Yes trying to keep going when you get tired is heading for disaster not only for you but your loved ones too!

You need a holiday to enable you to keep caring longer.

Is This You?

So is this you? Do you not put yourself first?

Do you think you are managing well when in fact you may not be?

The reality is, if you became unwell then everyone is going to have to manage without you – and they do.

So if this rings a bell with you and you are telling yourself “I can’t take a holiday. No one else can do this job as well as I can.”

Or “I don’t have anyone that can relieve me.” If I am not here, what will happen?”

Maybe You Need A Break

Well I will tell you what will happen.

Support will arrive.

If you plan to take a break rather than wait to take a break, you will give your brain and body a holiday AND you will be able to keep caring for longer.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress?

Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

For The Indispensible

Now to back this up I came across this article, “Graveyards are full of indispensable people” (apt don’t you think?).

While this is about lawyers it really fits for every person who thinks they are indispensable.

Check this out: http://thegirlsguidetolawschool.com/12/the-graveyards-are-full-of-indispensable-people/

You see by making yourself indispensable you ruin your life. Yep, it’s true.

Are you ruining your life? Are you driving yourself to an early grave? Are you really doing the best for your loved ones? Does this picture fit you?

You Don’t Have To Be The Only One

So if you think you have got yourself into a situation that you cant get out of…

That your loved one would not survive for a week or a month without you… you are wrong.

They will survive without you.

Sure they will miss you and you will miss them, but they will survive.

If you want to change and start thinking of yourself, then check this resource out.  http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Being-Indispensable

The Value Of Cross Training

The military know the value of cross training – of not creating indispensable people.

It could cost you your life, literally.

There is no difference between the military and your work as a carer.

Train someone to take over from you so you can have a life.

Let someone else do your job… Show them how to do it the way you or the person you’re caring for likes it to be done. What they are familiar with?

If you don’t know how, then check out these cross training tips: http://www.forbes.com/sites/chriscancialosi/2014/09/15/cross-training-your-best-defense-against-indispensable-employees/

Take A Break

Don’t be one of those people who kills themselves with work or being a martyr.

You are worth far more to your loved ones when you are rested, at peace and full of energy.

Look after yourself. Take a break. You owe it to yourself. You deserve a break.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

Making Difficult Decisions – One Thing You Need To Do

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Making Difficult DecisionsWe all face situations from time to time where we aren’t sure if something is wrong or if we’re imagining things.

You know, things like…

  • Has my mother really got a problem with her memory or is it just because she is getting old?
  • Is my dad taking his pills correctly or am I just too busy to remember how many were in the bottle in the first place?
  • Is the lesion on my body something I need to worry about or am I being paranoid?

Am I Wasting My Time?

We play these mind games with ourselves and think, well if I just left it a bit longer it might just go away… or I am just too busy to think about this now?

But maybe you just need to think how much time are you wasting worrying about the situation.

Is it taking you away from others things that are also important?

Why wait till the situation gets worse and a crisis happens?

Time To Get Moving

Every time you put something off or think it doesn’t matter and you push it to the back of your mind, you can guarantee it is going to keep coming back to you.

Every time you have a few spare minutes, here it comes again to remind you.

So, what is the solution?

Action.

That’s right. Do something.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

What You Can Do

You see, you can put things off for a variety of reasons but at the end of the day, if you act early you can alleviate yourself of a lot of unnecessary mind chatter…

Because it will go around in your head until you do.

What are some easy actions you can take to get started assessing the situation instead of worrying?

Some suggestions are…

  • If you have money issues then call the bank
  • If you think you have a health issue, call the doctor and make an appointment
  • If you have family issues then discuss it with the person concerned or a trusted friend that could shed a different light on the subject

It’s All Small Stuff

You see, the key to good emotional health is to not sweat the small stuff.

Because at the end of the day, it is all small stuff.

Sound easy? Well no it isn’t always that easy but one thing I can guarantee.

For the most part, when you look back after 6 months you will wonder just why you were worrying so much.

A Few Useful Tools

In the process of taking some action you may like to consider some other useful tools that I have found to be helpful.

Journaling

I call this my silent friend.

It is a place where I can download all my worries, or successes.

It is a place where no one comes back with any solutions for me, but me.

It allows me to take it out of my head and put it on paper.

And once it is on paper, I have freed up space and can allow myself to focus on other things.

Angel Letter Writing

Now this may seem a bit way out… but it works.

Angel Letter Writing is where you write a letter to the person that is involved in a personal issue for you.

You outline what the problem is between you, how it is affecting you and ask for a resolution or something positive to come out of it.

You then burn the letter and let it go.

Helping Yourself

These suggestions may seem a bit strange but sometime talking it out with others doesn’t work.

Instead it may perpetuate the issue.

After all, what you are looking for is inner peace because the issues or issues are affecting you…

But it may not even be affecting the other person.

So rather than waste your precious energy giving the problem more energy than it deserves… do something different to help you and your peace of mind.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

Why Does Someone Never Fit In? How To Deal With Difficult Relatives

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why-does-someone-never-fit-in

Within families and groups there are many different behaviors and coping strategies that people adopt.

Often to gain control of the situation or their lives…

This is not usually a conscious decision as many people may not even know they behave this way.

However, over the years I have been working with people and indeed in my own personal life, I have begun to realize that I have no control over the way people behave, what they do or say.

I have learned to accept that it is a waste of time getting upset about such things because it goes nowhere and at the end of the day, it is only me getting upset.

Why Does This Matter?

Understanding this is crucially important for your sanity as a carer because you cannot change the way other people think or behave…

Much as you would like to or indeed try to.

You see, you only know what you know.

And to get inside someone else’s head is not only impossible but it will cause you so much unnecessary grief.

So what am I talking about?

When You Need Help

Well some people can never accept a suggestion..

They have to come back with a counter offer.

For example, you may decide to meet up or send a care roster around the family to help get people on board.

Some people will accept this and say that is fine. I will adjust my schedule to fit in.

Another may want to change everything and nothing works for them.

They want to meet up at a different place or change the whole roster around.

There’s Always One…

Now for some there will be a genuine reason for changing things around.

But I am talking about the person who consistently makes things difficult and never agrees to anything.

You know, there is always a counter offer or for some reason they can’t work with others.

These people appear to have control everything.

They may not realize consciously that they are behaving in such a way, but you see the trends.

That one family member that just will not fit in with everyone.

The question you may need to ask though, is this person happy?

Because often they are not.

Do they fit into any of these scenarios? Read more here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tamara-star/7-habit-of-chronically-unhappy-people_b_6174000.html

Here’s What You Do

So how are you going to handle this even if you know the person is unhappy or just obstructive?

You can try asking them to organize a time to meet up or get them to do the roster in the first place.

Put it back on them before you even start to suggest something.

While this may work, be prepared for it not to work because these people have worked on the counter offer principle.

They may not want to change or believe there is some weakness in saying “yes that is fine”.

How To Deal With Uncooperative Relatives

Now I am not saying that everyone has to fit in with your plan or suggestion or that saying “No it does not work for me” is not okay.

What I am talking about it the person who consistently comes back with counter offers and tries to manipulate every situation that occurs.

Nothing will be satisfactory for them.

See more on how to deal with uncooperative relatives here: http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Difficult-Relatives

You’re Not Alone…

Such a situation is really difficult because the danger for you is to get into making up your own stories which may or may not be true or indeed have any relevance.

The people who behave in such a manner can be anyone in your life, but it is more difficult when it is family member.

You may just want to meet up to keep in contact or there may be a crisis where everyone needs to pull together for the good of a particular family member like an elderly parent.

How To Avoid The Stress

There are no simple or easy answers to handling these situations however, one thing I can say…

Keep it in perspective and do not try to second guess what is behind the person’s behavior.

It will do your head in and create unnecessary stress for you.

You might find some useful tips in this article https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201406/how-spot-and-stop-manipulators

You Can Only Change Yourself

Remember though, you cannot change anyone that does not want to change.

You cannot make anyone do what they don’t want to do or won’t do.

You can only change the way you behave, think or manage the situation.

Creating added stress in your life is counterproductive for you.

Important Questions To Ask…

So ask yourself the following:

  • Why do I want this person to help?
  • What are my reasons for getting people together?
  • Is this worth my energy to keep trying and getting either rejected or counter offers coming back?
  • What would be the worst thing that could happen if I didn’t include this person?
  • What are my motives?
  • How can I make this situation better for me?

Be Careful Not To Waste Your Energy

You see, in this world, you are only responsible for yourself and your own mental health.

What other people do, think or say, really is nothing to do with you.

Yes, it is hard as no one wants to feel alone, isolated or overburdened especially when you are the one left with the role of caring.

Playing happy families may be your way of coping but the reality is, often happy families are a myth.

Creating you own happy self is paramount.

So instead of trying to get families together or to help when they don’t want to is wasting your energy.

Find support from others, either friends or organizations.

This is where you should be spending your energy.

A Strategy That Supports You

So develop a strategy that supports you rather than destroys you.

Focus on an area that works for you rather than against you.

This way, your role of caring will have a much higher return for your emotional investment.

Simple?

Well, no it isn’t but necessary for your survival, personal satisfaction and happiness.

To find out more on happiness, read this: http://www.lifecoachexpert.co.uk/whyishappinesssoimportant.html

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.