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How To Choose The Best Caring Option For Your Loved Ones

When a loved one needs to be taken care of, finding the best way to do so can be nerve-wrecking.

You can choose to do it yourself, keep it all between family members, have a professional come over periodically, hire someone full time, send them to a caring facility or even a combination of several of those.

Between all these options, making an informed decision can be very stressful. You have to consider several factors, both external and internal, to make sure your loved one gets the best possible care.

So we’ve put together a checklist that may help you with your decision. These are the things you should consider and ask yourself before making a decision.

May they serve you and your loved one well!

1. What Are The Essential Things My Loved One Needs?

Between family members that may want to help out and the many services that professionals and facilities can offer, it is essential to narrow down the core needs of your loved one before choosing anything.

Everyone is different and no one is going through the exact same situation, so you need to write their needs down. Preferably with the help of your physician, and base your decision off of this.

The best option will be the one that does a better job at covering all of these while being comfortable for everyone involved. By comfortable, I mean both financially and in terms of time-consumption.

So, when considering each option, list all the advantages to that decision.

Let’s take a caring facility for example. Maybe your loved one could benefit from thriving in a new environment, so that would be an important factor to consider.

Get the idea?

This of course, is not something that you should do by yourself. Involving your loved one and other concerned family members in this process is a must., as we’ll see below.

2. What’s The Best Option For Me?

You may think this sounds selfish, but it is actually about being sensible.

When making a decision as big as how your loved one will be taken care of, you need to think of your well-being too.

If you don’t include yourself in the equation, it can build up anger and resentment and fracture your relationship with your loved one and other family members.

Have you taken into account, the impact it would have on your own life and family? Are you doing it out of genuine love for the person and a strong desire to care for them? Or are you doing it because you think it is your duty to do so?

Although it’s difficult, facing these questions will ensure that you step into this process with a clear head and well-organized priorities.

However, if you don’t, that’s when resentment, anger and bitterness can start to build up.

3. Call A Family Meeting

As we mentioned above, every concerned party should be involved in the decision. So once you have a good grasp on what your loved one’s needs are and you’re in a clear headspace about why you’re doing this, it’s time to have a group discussion.

First, gather everyone that should take part in this decision, including your loved one of course. After taking everyone’s points of view into account, try to narrow down the decision into preferably two options.

Then, get a large piece of paper and list the advantages and disadvantages of each of these options. For example, you could be comparing the pros and cons of staying at home vs. the pros and cons of going into a caring facility.

The idea is to brainstorm the advantages and disadvantages for everyone. This way a result that is adequate for everyone is much more likely to be produced.

4. Create A “What If” List

Once you have a scenario that everyone, or a majority, seems to be on-board with, look to the even longer term and do a list of possible outcomes.

For example, if you have decided to keep your loved one at home with services coming in to help them, a “what if” list could include things like:

The professional carer suddenly can’t keep doing it and we have to find another one
Some family members move away and suddenly the caring responsibilities fall on one or few people.

As you probably noticed, there are two main lines of questioning to help you come up with the “what if’s”. These are:

“What if” for the person: For this, consider at what point will you know that keeping them at home is no longer an option. It maybe they are becoming increasingly lonely and are making a lot of phone calls to family members. Or maybe they are having more accidents around the house.
“What if” for the carer: These are any personal circumstances that may occur to those doing the caring. For example, if it’s you, maybe your job has changed and you need to travel more; so you are not as available as before. It could also be that the number of calls you are getting during your work day is causing you stress. You decide at what point you could no longer keep up the role of principal carer.

Once you have your list of “what if’s” written down, it’s time to think about what would you do if any of those actually occurs.

That brings us to the next point on our checklist…

5. Develop Contingency Plans

At the same family meeting, you can also brainstorm what the possible lines of action would be if any of those “what if’s” suddenly becomes a reality. You could even start doing things as a family that would make it all easier when that rainy day comes.

For example, a very common contingency plan if you all have decided to care of your loved one at home would be to use a caring facility.

In that case, you could all visit some residential facilities that may be able to accommodate your loved one if the need arises.

It may seem pointless, but it’s the kind of thing that is better to face even before it’s even a need. It can also be a good bonding exercise for the whole family. Take your loved one with you as well and view some options together to get their opinion.

Your Very Own Strategy

The point of this checklist is not to tell you exactly what to do, but to illustrate the ways that you can look deep into your own situation and find the best solution yourself.

Hopefully you will soon have a “What If” strategy in place and a contingency plan. You’ll be prepared and most importantly, you and your family will all be on the same page.

The beauty of investing time into the preparation of a contingency plan is that if the need ever arises, you’ll be ready to action it without wasting any time.

On the other hand, the wrong decision at a time of a crisis can create a lot of anger, frustration and family discord if clear communication and assertive planning have not been put into place.

So be sure to go through this checklist with your family members and don’t hesitate to contact me if you need more advice.

Good luck!

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on, maintain your relationship and de-stress each day.

How To Know When It’s Time For Assisted Living

by Leigh Kelly

This is a very tricky one because there are no hard and fast rules as to when you need to call in extra support. Rather, there are a broad number of factors that come into play here, so we’ll cover those in depth.

It’s important to remember that everyone’s case will be different. But over my years of experience as a professional caregiver and from my time managing a nursing home, I’ve found out that these are the most important factors to consider when making this decision.

The point is to take a realistic inventory and see if everyone involved would be better off by involving professional care.

The Background Of Your Relationship

By this I mean, what sort of relationship have you had with your parent or loved one? Do you have a deep love for them? Or are you taking care of them out of misplaced sense of duty because of one of the following:

You feel it is expected of you
There is no one else to do it
You were begged to commit to never putting them in care
Their fear about leaving home plays over in your mind
They will take up all your inheritance

Or are you taking care of them because…?

They’ve always been there to support you and it’s time to give back to them
You would not even consider leaving this role to someone else
You have had a serious discussion with them and have committed to doing it for now
You would do this even if it took every cent out of your inheritance

Your Reasons For Taking Over The Caring Role

If you are being the caregiver because of any of the reasons from the first group, (i.e. done out of duty) then resentment and bitterness will probably take its toll on you. You will also not be able to do the job of caring as well as a professional.

In fact, you’re more at risk of deteriorating your relationship with your parent or spouse. Doing a job you don’t want to do for a long period of time is just not the recipe for doing it properly. Worst of all, you may begin to feel trapped in this role.

However, if you truly believe you are the best person to take on the role and you love them unconditionally, your relationship will remain intact or even strengthen.

If you genuinely enjoy the role, there could be an immense sense of fulfillment and satisfaction in caring for them. If you willingly give up some of your life for them, you will find the precious time you spend together enhances your life immeasurably.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress?

Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can understand the underlying causes, maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

How Do You Feel

Probably the biggest trick in knowing whether it’s time to have your loved one in assisted living is realizing when it’s too much for you to continue doing the caring.

I say it’s the biggest trick because no one can answer that for you – it’s your judgement call.

It means having an innate awareness of yourself and your capabilities. Also, looking inside and being able to acknowledge to yourself that you cannot continue in the role of caring.

Previous Discussions

If you’ve been reading Care Training Online for a while, you probably know that when it comes to the question of professional care or doing it yourself, I always recommend planning ahead.

This means having a discussion about how each person feels about professional caring way ahead of time. Even before it’s a possibility.

That conversation, should be something along the lines of:

“I will continue to care for you for as long as I feel capable and comfortable with the role. If I feel that I cannot cope or our relationship is being destroyed, will you accept my judgement and forgive me for having to place you in care?”

If you have had a conversation like this, you should now bring it back and not feel guilty if you have to let go if you can no longer do the job; considering that both of you agreed to that.

If you haven’t, perhaps it’s not so late. That discussion should also help you assess whether your loved one is ready to go into external care or not.

Your Own Promises

On the other hand, if you have boxed yourself into a corner by saying things like:

“I will never let anyone else take care of you”
“I will never place you in a home”
“I promise to keep you in your own home for the rest of your life”

Quite frankly, those are the best ways to build resentment and eventually feel frustrated about giving up your life to try and please another person.

As poetic as they may sound, they are usually just blanket commitments that are very likely to fail.

Why? You just never know what the journey will be like nor do you know if your health is going to allow you to continue caring.

Being in a situation where you feel there is no way out only compounds your problems and increases stress for both you and your loved one.

If you have said things like that and are now in this situation, just try to make clear that you didn’t know how hard it was going to be when you said it.

Then, have an open discussion about how far are you willing to go before turning to professional care.

Wealth And Property

Finally, I want to take a minute to talk about inheritance.

I’ve seen many cases where this factor weighs in when people are deciding whether it’s time to send their loved one into a retirement facility or not.

First, let’s get one thing very clear: the money or property a person amasses in their life is theirs. It is to help provide for themselves after they retire and this may very well include purchasing professional caring services.

In those cases, you shouldn’t see it as a drain to your finances. You do not actually have a right to an inheritance; only as much as the person is willing to concede.

That being said, you do have a right to what is left after they have passed on. But please don’t think of yourself first and your parent second. They have earned the right to purchase the care they want or need.

The Golden Rule

And I’ll leave you with this. If you only walk away remembering one thing from this conversation it is this…

As with all things in life; do the job willingly, with no conditions attached, or don’t do it at all.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can understand the underlying causes, maintain your relationship and de-stress each day.

So You’ve Decided To Place Your Loved One In A Care Facility

by Leigh Kelly

Once you reach a point where you can no longer manage caring for you partner or parent…

Whether it’s in their home or living with you… it is a heart wrenching decision to finally place them in care.

So how can you alleviate this heavy decision?

We’ll get to that in this article, plus we’ll cover some of the reasons that may have brought you to this point.

As you’ll see, it always helps to know exactly why you’re doing it.

Emotional Drainage

Firstly, being a caregiver to someone you love can be very hard on your emotions.

Because you know them so well and love them so much, it may be excruciating to constantly see them in their current state if you also have the duty to take care of them.

Your emotional attachment makes you extremely vulnerable.

So not only is your loved one feeling out of control of the situation.. but maybe you are too.

Overcoming Guilt

It’s normal for the mere thought of putting a loved one in care to be a source of guilt in the beginning.

And it’s a common occurrence when people don’t know what types of professional care are actually available.

The thing is, most people get into an unhealthy circle of expectations… where the ones in need of care expect their loved ones to take care of them, and the other person feels like it’s his or her duty to do it.

Some people are even groomed to take on this role for years in advance.

When that works for people, that’s admirable. But a lot of people put that pressure on themselves just because they are not aware of how good professional care can actually be.

So rather than feeling guilty, try to at least weigh the options out.

There’s a reason there are caring professionals. Some people are trained and do this well and your loved one may be better off under their wing.

Passing On The Role Is Not Necessarily Bad

If you’ve visited several caring facilities or met with professionals, it is likely that you have found all those terrible things one hears about residential care to be mostly false.

So if at first, the dread of such rumors is what kept you from seeking outside help, you can now let go of a role that perhaps you weren’t meant for.

Doing this almost out of obligation, without a real desire and enjoyment is just the path to becoming resentful.

If the role of caretaker was dealt to you without much choice, it’s time to pass it on to more qualified and willing hands.

Burning Out

Even if at first you volunteered to be the caretaker and eagerly accepted the challenge, maybe you have come to the point where you no longer feel capable of doing it.

As a professional caretaker, I’m here to tell you that that is completely understandable and normal.

Caring for someone can be really hard on the body. So if you can no longer sleep well at night, are not feeding yourself adequately and are overwhelmed with feelings of guilt… it’s time to let go.

Let go of the external expectations that say you’re supposed to keep doing this.

If you have reached a limit, it doesn’t help anyone if you burn yourself out. Those who were not able to help you should be thankful, but also understanding of the fact that you can no longer do it.

And Here’s What You Do About It

With a major decision like this…

All of the above are normal feelings and hopefully, both your loved one and your close relatives will be able to understand and respect that.

So once you’ve discovered why you feel like professional care is the next step, here’s what you need to do…

Inform Others Of Your Decision

So you finally get up the courage to broach the subject with others. What if your family members and loved one don’t take it well?

Even before you do it, it helps to know and accept that the reaction will vary.

Maybe your loved one will say things like “please don’t do it” or “I will help you more”.

And your family members may ask why can’t you keep doing it.

A lot of resistance can be met, but know that they are facing their own fears as well. This is normal too and you shouldn’t let it get the best of you.

So What Are The Options?

If it comes to the point where your decision wasn’t well-received, you are pretty much left with two possible actions:

You can stick firm to your decision and face the consequences
You can succumb to the blackmail and guilt that is piled on to you and keep going until you feel even worse than before

You’ve made it this far, so number one is obviously the most reasonable course of action.

Of course, communication is crucial in order to make it work. Let everyone one know exactly why you are considering professional care and why you no longer feel able to do it alone.

Even better, try to include them.

Once you tell them how you’re feeling, ask for their help. You can all look for caring facilities or professionals together. If they are your family and they care for you, I bet they’ll be glad to help once they know they full picture.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress?

Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on, maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

Important Fact: Not All Residential Care Is Bad

It’s very important for everyone involved to know that not everything about residential care is bad. We tend to hear the worst that is reported in the paper and often blown out of proportion.

But that’s mainly because scandalous and scary news is more often shared, so the news outlets tend to avoid the good things entirely.

There are many happy people in residential care. They are socialized, well fed and completely cared for. Basically all the things that you may be struggling to do on your own right now.

Commonly, people forget to think that their aging loved ones may be happier around other people their age than with someone that may feel burdened about having to care for them.

Take The Plunge

If you have taken the time to carefully check out facilities and you have found one that you feel will be appropriate for them, go ahead and place them there.

Yes it sounds blunt, but if you and your loved one relate well to the staff, are comfortable around them and feel like they actually care and listen to you… go ahead and give it a try.

You Can Always Switch!

Remember, if it turns out you don’t like the place after a while, the location doesn’t suit you or you found a facility you like better, it’s okay to move.

The whole point is to find what’s best for your loved one. So don’t be afraid of trying out a new place if things just aren’t working.

It May Not Be Easy At First…

Yes, at first your loved one may try to make you feel guilty about placing them in care; but I guarantee that once you walk out of the facility they will suddenly be fine with their new friends.

It’s almost like with little children. If you have kids, you probably remember how they cried when you left them somewhere new like kindergarten.

And as soon as you were out of sight, they met up with their friends and started playing and laughing, totally forgetting about you.

Placing someone in residential care can be very similar. It may be a hard decision at first, but if it’s for your own well-being, it will be good for those around you too.

Never lose sight of the fact that you are just as important as your loved one.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on, maintain your relationship and de-stress each day.

How To Protect Personal Items When Your Loved One Goes Into Care

by Leigh Kelly Leave a Comment

I know it is not all smooth sailing when a loved one is placed into care. Things don’t always happen the way you want them to and, in your (and their) eyes, they can go very wrong sometimes.

Throughout all my years working in long term care, I have noticed that the biggest issues that keep cropping up between people are the disappearance of personal belongings and the appropriate handling of clothes.

Sometimes these issues are avoidable, other times not. It’s important to remember that your loved one can be upset with or without reason…

And that those in charge at the facility have a lot of people to keep up with.

So in this post, we’ll cover some measures you can take in order to avoid frustration when your loved one is in care.

“I Honestly Thought It Was Mine!”

It’s very frustrating when precious belongings go missing or are found in other people’s rooms.

Nevertheless, it’s understandable for people with memory loss to get confused.

I’ve heard and witnessed cases of people that enter other people’s rooms by mistake, and even pick up precious items and then put them down somewhere else.

Afterwards, it is hard to know exactly who did it because even in state of the art facilities, it’s very difficult to monitor a person 24/7 when they are mobile.

“I’m Missing A Sock… Again!”

Equally frustrating but perhaps more avoidable is when clothes are not cared for properly or disappear to then turn up in someone else’s room.

This is not usually the fault of a person with dementia, but rather the inattention and negligence by the caregivers or laundry personnel.

I honestly don’t understand why this happens, but it is an ongoing problem that many managers have to battle each day.

5 Things You Can Do

These things happen, in varying degrees of course, along many caring facilities.

So it’s best to simply be prepared and not leave things to chance.

I am now going to offer five suggestions on how you can reduce the risk of these frustrated events happening to you and your loved one.

1. Put Their Name On Everything

This may seem like going back to the days when you or your kids were on kindergarten…

But in a certain way going into care is similar. And that’s why this works.

It really helps to make sure that every item of clothing, photograph or precious Knick Knack has your loved one’s name on it.

That way if anything gets misplaced or taken by a confused resident, the rightful owner can be promptly identified.

2. Make An Inventory

Whether your loved one is about to go into care or already in a facility, it helps to keep an inventory of items that your loved one has taken in with them.

The thing is, even you can forget what has actually been taken to the facility in the first place. Perhaps new items are even brought in every time someone visits during the first months.

So as you can imagine, it definitely helps to record everything on an inventory.

You can write everything down or keep a photo record. This will make it much easier to make sure that a lost item was definitely lost in the facility.

Then, having pictures will make the work of retrieving them much easier.

3. Do Periodical Stock Checks

By “Stock Checks” I mean checking up on your loved one’s belongings every now and then.

This will help you to discover early on whenever things are misplaced or go missing.

When you visit, you can tidy up the drawers, closets or wherever your loved one keeps precious items.

This can also be helpful to keep track of your loved one’s clothes and identify any items that need mending or replacing.

4. Don’t Take Items You’re Not Willing To Risk

I know this may seem sad. In an ideal world you should be able to take anything you want to a care facility and not be worried about anything going missing.

But things happen and you just never know…

Also, when it comes to items that have a particular significance or great value, it’s probable that they just don’t have the same significance to others.

So it will be best not to take them unless they’re completely necessary.

This is particularly true of items with special meaning or family heirlooms.

If you want to keep them on the long term and don’t want to risk anything happening to them, perhaps they are best left at home.

5. Bring Your Own Laundry Bag

If you are concerned about the way clothing is being laundered and cared for, it definitely helps to provide the facility with your own laundry bag, then taking it and doing that laundry at home.

“But I’m paying “x” amount a month! You would expect them to do laundry!”

While that reasoning definitely makes sense, depending on what you pay, it’s just the best way of ensuring that your loved one’s laundry gets done right.

As with the stock checks, it will also allow you to keep track of any mending that needs to be done or when clothes need to be replaced.

And of course, also being able to sure that no item gets misplaced among all the other resident’s laundry.

It’s About Working With The Facility

I know that what I have suggested isn’t always that easy.

You may not have had time to plan for a person to be placed in long term care, so you just grab what you think they will need.

Presents get taken in for a special occasion and the person giving the gift doesn’t think that it will be necessary to put the person’s name on it.

But when I ran a facility, I lost count of the items that turned up on my desk, without anyone having any idea who they belonged to.

A common recurrence were photographs that no one could identify anyone in. Perhaps they had been left behind after a person passed away, or perhaps the right person just hadn’t seen and claimed them yet.

Either way, as with many other items, it would have been much easier if a name had been placed on or written somewhere.

As you can see, the facility is not always to blame.

While I absolutely understand that it’s not acceptable for clothes to be laundered incorrectly, or be put in other people’s drawers… you need to do your bit too and make sure everything is labeled clearly so they can be returned to you.

Your Loved One’s Advocate

Think of it as being your loved one’s advocate. Having their clothes and other precious items with them is a way of making sure that they feel comfortable in their new home.

So be proactive and help both your loved one and the facility to keep track of personal items. Then whenever something goes missing, you can advise the manager and have them do something about it.

When that time comes, you’ll feel more reassured knowing that you already took certain measures.

If any of these measure’s doesn’t sit very well with your loved one, be sure to check out or Free Challenging Behavior’s Guide.

What To Do If You Need To Take A Break From Caring

by Leigh Kelly

As I have said in many blogs before, recognizing when you need a break is a hard thing to do.

Caring burnout is an insidious condition.

Something you just keep doing day in and day out, with little thought or consideration for yourself… until it all comes crashing down on you.

That’s why there’s a real benefit in forward planning. It can save you a lot of time and distress.

When To Start Planning A Break

First of all, while you are still able to care for your parent or loved one without any problems, this is the time you should be planning ahead and going to look at the alternatives that are around.

If you postpone this decision to the point when you are in immediate need of a break, it will only be harder on everyone involved.

So whenever you are able to recognize that you’re going to have to be caring for a close family member, this is the time to plan what you will do if you become too exhausted.

Transparency Is Key

It is also best to make sure you are honest with your loved one as well. Discussing things with them openly is essential.

This may seem obvious, but this is one of the biggest mistakes families make…

Keeping it all under wraps. Not talking in front of them for fear of how they will react.

But they have a right to be included in the discussions. They have a right to be part of the solution. They have the right to choose, especially while they are still able to contribute.

You know, fear of the unknown is far worse than facing the fear head on because it usually is nowhere near as bad as either you or they anticipated.

Finding The Right Care Facility

So you’re taking a break. Once everyone is clear on the fact that you’re going to involve outside help in the caring process, it is time to find an appropriate caring facility.

Here’s my advice…

On a nice sunny day when you are both feeling mellow, make a decision to go and visit some residential care facilities or day programs.

In each place you visit, get the opinion of the person who may have to use the program or live in the facility.

Also, find out from the facility what they do or have available that your loved one is interested in.

How Do You Know If It’s Right?

Spend some time at these places to see how they really operate and what’s available.

Don’t just go once… maybe even go at different times of the day to see what is going on.

Once you have narrowed it down to the right place, see if your loved one can spend an hour or so there.

You may have to pay by the hour or half day or they may just be happy for you try it… but this is an important step to seeing if it’s right for your family.

How To Stay Involved In The Process

Once you’ve found the right caring facility and take your much deserved break, it’s important to stay involved in the process of caring. Even if it’s not at the same intensity as before.

You can do this by asking the caring facility when they have some programmed activities that would be good for you to attend.

Some facilities have things like mid-winter dinner, concerts, dances or regular church services. You may be more than welcome to attend them.

I’ve even seen facilities with a Men’s Shed and mending circles.

Your Visits Can Go Even Further

Of course, you can always just go visit your relatives and even other people (like their new friends) and spend some quality time talking to them.

Sadly, as you may eventually find out, there are people with families in another state or country and they have no one to visit them.

Even when you’re still deciding between caring facilities, visiting these people can be both a good way for you to know more about the place and a blessing for them.

In that vein, you can also volunteer and help with any number of things within the facility.

In my experience, extra hands are always appreciated.

It’s All About Having A Plan

As you can see, finding somewhere that both you and your loved one are comfortable with is an essential part of caring.

Even if you don’t necessarily reach the point where you need to take a break, setting up a good relationship with a potential residential care facility or a day program, makes it easier for both of you, if and when the time comes.

Also, as I always stress, it’s another thing you can do together. Make it an activity to be enjoyed and not a chore to be avoided.

Lastly, if you have reached the point where you need to take a break from caring but haven’t done any of this beforehand, just hang in there.

Hopefully you can take some of the above measures along with your loved one.

It’s never too late to do things right!

Making plans like these can sometimes be hard when your loved ones don’t have best attitude. For some tips on dealing with this and other challenging behaviors, be sure to get our Free Challenging Behaviors Guide.

How To Come To Terms With Professional Caring

by Leigh Kelly

When you decide to place one of your parents in a caring facility, it is highly probable that neither of you will be 100% happy with the care.

After all, the personnel can only do their best, but they do not have the same knowledge of your parent as you do.

Nor are they emotionally involved with them…

Although I’ve seen some truly heart-warming and attentive professional carers before, the bottom line is that your parent is not their parent.

They Are All Caring For Several Persons

But this does not mean they don’t care.

In my experience, they really do care very much about your parent. They wouldn’t have gone into professional caring otherwise.

It’s just that they have many others to care for as well.

That means that they cannot afford to become too emotionally involved with those in their care. Otherwise it would just be completely mentally exhausting to do their job.

If every caregiver became emotionally involved with everyone in their charge as if they were their own parent… they would not last in the job for long.

Naturally, they have to be practical about it and provide loving care for your parent without becoming emotionally and physically drained.

They Care, Just Not In The Same Way You Do

This may be hard for you to understand because you love your parent and want to make sure they get the best available care.

But it’s different to invest your time and energy providing care to one or two parents that you have known your whole life… than having to care for perhaps 5 or 6 people that you have only known briefly.

Also, the carers may simply come from a different culture, background or ethnicity than you and your parents.

Obviously, every person’s way of expressing care is different.

It doesn’t mean they don’t care… but that they do it differently.

Ways You Can Help Your Professional Carer (And Your Parent)

It’s hard enough to accept that you are not able to care for your parent.

Sometimes it can even be harder for the caregiver if you don’t tell them much about your parent and the things that are important to them.

One way you can do this is to compile a life story on your parent.

If you can do it well before they go into care, that’s even better.

You can sit down with them and find out about what it was like for them when they grew up. All the things that they enjoyed when young or life changing events.

Not only will this result be very satisfying for you… it will also help the caregivers to better understand your parent.

And in turn, that will result in better care for your parent.

Craft An Advanced Care Plan

Another thing you can do is take a look at our article on Advanced Care Plans and craft one with your parent.

Again, it will mean you need to sit down with them and write down all the things that they consider important when going into care.

The best time to do this is when they are fit and well. It is like an insurance policy to ensure they get taken care of the way they want to.

It could also mean having to face some eventual decisions, like cremation or burial/funeral wishes.

Although I understand it’s not the nicest conversation to have, the sooner you have these discussions with them… the less stressful it will be for you and those around you when the time comes.

It also means that they can rest assured in their last wishes being respected, instead of leaving their loved ones with a lot of guess work.

It’s A Natural Conversation To Have

Maybe you don’t like to have, or even think about having, these discussions (you’re not alone).

But in my experience, most older people are very pragmatic about these things.

They probably have already experienced the loss of their friends or some older family members, so they know it will be inevitable for them one day.

If you sit down with them and have a conversation about their life, eventually it can move into things they have never told you and from there onto more difficult decisions.

With the right mood and everyone feeling calm and comfortable, it will feel like a natural progression.

Things To Remember

A few key things to keep in mind when coming to terms with professional caring are:

It is not possible for a facility to care for you parent exactly as you would
Plan ahead and write your parent’s story so the carers will know who your parent is
Broach the hard to discuss topics with your parent and give them not only the best care they would like but the best send-off they could have, i.e. one where they have input.

It Could Be An Extremely Meaningful Experience

Taking the time to sit down and talk with your parents could be the greatest gift you ever receive from them.

The things they can tell you over a conversation like that, are things you probably won’t forget. Wisdom that you’ll pass on to others.

So don’t be afraid. Start now. Well before a crisis occurs if possible.

If they are in care now, this will help to make your visits so much easier.

Remember, when a person goes into care, their world becomes very small.

All they have to talk about is what happens in the care facility and what their life was like before.

What better way to reconnect with your parent than to write down their history… to get them to talk about themselves?

Not only will you find out a lot you didn’t know, it will also make your time together more enjoyable and help you understand your parent, and yourself, much better.

For other tips on dealing with parents in care, be sure to download our Free Challenging Behaviors Guide.

Why You May Need The Help Of A Professional Caregiver

by Leigh Kelly

“I’m tired! I’m scratchy! I think I am going mad!”

Have you ever said this to yourself while caring for someone? If you ever start to feel like this, it may be sign that you need to take some time out.

You see, looking after someone can be all consuming. Very few people actually master it and keep calm throughout the whole experience.

Being “tired and scratchy” or being curt with your loved one is not a sign that you don’t care anymore… It’s a sign that your rubber band has been stretched to its limit.

For your benefit and that of your loved one, you need to act before you reach this stage.

Becoming Irritable?

Although it may feel like it at times, it’s important to remember that you are not going mad.

The thing about being a sole carer is that stress builds up very slowly. You may not realize you’re becoming over stretched until you become unwell yourself and by then you find it difficult to recover.

You may be a person who doesn’t get sick and suddenly you find you are getting headaches, colds, insomnia – which are all just physical signs of stress.

Even people who are naturally very calm may find themselves becoming anxious, shouting at their loved one or other people for no reason, or even crying a lot.

So if these are all signs that your body needs a break… what do you do in order to avoid this?

Coping With Stress

The trick to avoiding a burnout from all the stress that comes with caring for a loved one is to plan ahead and have external help available at your ready request.

Each time I help a person that is just starting out with caring for a family member, I want them understand that it may be inevitable for them to reach a point where it’s just too much for them to handle by themselves.

In order to reduce the risk of that happening, and then preventing the stress signs mentioned above, it’s important to go into this journey with this knowledge.

That means taking the appropriate measures to have someone ready to get involved in the process when you and your loved one need it.

Having a hard time dealing with changes in personality?

Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on, maintain your relationship and de-stress each day.

Preparing To Let Someone Else In

I know it’s hard to let someone else take care of your loved one. After all, perhaps no one could do the job as well as you.

You know their likes and dislikes, their little idiosyncrasies that have evolved over the years…

It’s been almost a lifetime of knowing them and living with them…

But everyday life is one thing and suddenly becoming the sole carer for this person is another.

No matter how much you love them, this new role is a very challenging one.

The person may change and a new personality evolves that you cannot cope with.

In spite of a lifetime knowing them, you probably never had to be with this person 24/7… not for a long time at least.

There was always time when you had space from each other but suddenly that changes when you become a caregiver.

Finding The Right Person

Maybe your home support worker doesn’t do things they way you want them to. But as with everything, you have to compromise on some things in order to get the benefit of others.

Also, if you pay attention to the many ways that you would do things differently, this can stretch you even more beyond your limits until you crumble.

Don’t let this happen to you. Finding someone to help you is also about finding an outlet for yourself.

And when someone else is taking care of your loved one, try not to obsess over asking yourself “Are they okay?” over and over again.

Balancing out your own life while also being there for a person in care is also about letting go of the guilt from not being able to manage things for them 24/7. That guilt really won’t get you anywhere.

Quality Time, Not Quantity

Once you find a person to help you care for your loved one, be grateful for that. You will find that having someone around to help out really helps everyone.

You can then let go every once in awhile and focus on how much quality time you can give them, not quantity.

You are better off having even one hour a day where you can enjoy each other, rather than 24 hours where resentment builds up and you either explode emotionally or become unwell physically.

Know your limits and take care of you. An hour a day is better than no quality time at all.

How to manage emotions while caring for someone, as well as other ways of dealing with aging parents, is covered in our free Challenging Behaviors Guide.

5 Actions That Can Turn Your Caregiving Into A Positive Experience

by Leigh Kelly

Being the sole caregiver for someone can be a hard and lonely job. Perhaps it feels like something you never signed up for, but still have to do.

This can be accompanied by feelings of guilt… but I’m here to tell you, that sort of thinking is more normal than you think.

Whether it’s a parent, a spouse or a partner, taking on this role will always have its ups and downs. So in this article, we’ll cover some lines of action that you can take in order to maximize the ups, and minimize the downs.

How Did You End Up Here?

Whether you have opted to take over this role by choice or it has been forced upon you, the hard times will only get harder if you do not look after yourself.

Please don’t think this is selfish. It’s not.

It is something that will enable you to continue what you are doing for longer. So how are you going to do this?

1. Be Clear From The Beginning

Don’t feel duty bound to fulfill the wishes of someone who has said “Please don’t ever put me in care dear…”

It is easy to say “Of course I won’t” when they are fit and able, or in the early stages of a disease or the aging process.

At that point you will have no idea what you are committing yourself too, so you have to be honest.

Instead of making a promise you can’t keep, say something like:

“I will do my best for as long as I can… but please do not be angry with me if I feel I can’t do the job and I have to seek help. I would rather preserve my relationship and love for you rather than grow to resent you.”

2. Make Sure You Take Of Yourself As Well

I’ve said it many times, but it’s so easy to forget in practice that it’s always worth repeating: Don’t let yourself get so tired that you become grumpy.

This will very likely make you say and/or do things that could play on your guilt even more.

Everyone says things they don’t mean, especially if you are tired due to a lack of sleep.

For each hour of sleep you lose, it is cumulative, and it takes time to make it up.

So if you are used to getting 7 hours sleep a night, and since caring for your loved one, you end up only 4 hours’ sleep, little of which is quality sleep, you are losing 3 hours sleep a night.

That is 21 hours over week you may have lost. On top of this, your coping skills will be reduced and you are likely to get edgy and irritable.

Remember, it is not selfish to think of yourself. You are merely making sure you are in the best possible shape to fulfill your role as a caregiver properly.

Is caring for your loved one causing you stress?

Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on plus maintain your relationship and de-stress each day.

3. Have A Plan B

Before you embark on this journey, develop an Advanced Care Plan.

This is where you have a conversation with your loved one that covers all eventualities that may occur.

Include in this the “what if I can’t take care of you or something happens to me?”

This may include you going to visit residential facilities to have a look at what is available so they are involved in the process. That way they can choose where they would like to live in such circumstances.

You know when you go to visit them that this is not going to happen now – it is only a Plan B.

It could be somewhere for them to go for Day Visits or to give you a break every once in awhile so you can charge your batteries in order to carry on with the job of caring.

Being proactive will save everyone a lot of headaches – even if you never have put Plan B into action.

4. Take A Time-Out Every Once In Awhile

Make arrangements so that you can take some time out for yourself at least once a week.

You can request for someone to come and stay with the person so you can get out and just do things for you.

It doesn’t have to be only necessary errands like grocery shopping or going to the bank… you can also use that break to get a massage or go for a walk in the park.

You could go and have a coffee with a friend, do some shopping, take a book somewhere quiet or simply catch up on your sleep and recharge your batteries.

Whatever it is you do, remember it’s right for you. You don’t have to feel guilty either. This is you preserving your sanity – and your loved one’s as well.

5. Watch Your Diet

When you are tired, it makes it really hard to think of some of the simple things like meal planning and cooking.

It may be easier to just pick up the phone and order anything instead of cooking. While there is nothing wrong with doing this occasionally, on a regular basis it does not help you or your loved one.

Most takeout meals are high in salt, carbohydrates and fat. They may help you to feel full, but they do not nourish you.

Not all takeout is bad though… You can plan ahead and order some nutritionally sound food from a company that provides food prepared specially for those who cannot cook for themselves.

Order a supply and keep it in the fridge or freezer for later consumption. This way you will get a meal that is nutritionally balanced that will help to sustain both you and your loved one.

Proactivity Leads To A Win-Win

As you can hopefully see now, there are many things that you can do to help you maintain your role while not neglecting yourself.

While it’s true that you’ll have to give up some things to continue caring for your loved one, some forward planning at the early stages of the process will benefit the both of you.

By being clear to them from the beginning, involving them in creating a plan B, making time for yourself and watching both your diets… caregiving can be a nurturing and bond-strengthening experience.

For other tips on being a better Caregiver, be sure to check out our free Challenging Behaviors Guide. It will help you deal with bad attitudes when trying to implement any of the actions we just discussed.

Use It Or Lose It: Why It’s Essential For Aging People To Keep Moving

by Leigh Kelly

One of the biggest difficulties when being the principal caregiver for someone is to keep the person moving or as physically active as possible.

Otherwise, their muscles might begin to dwindle and stiffen, making it harder every time to move around and even making them more prone to injury.

However, as you may imagine, difficulties arise when a person refuses to walk or is in pain from even the slightest of movements.

But the reality is that even if you don’t want to force them to do anything, thinking that to be a loving carer you want to always keep them comfortable and pleased…

You are not serving them (or yourself) if you allow them to become increasingly immobile.

The adage of “use it or lose it” definitely applies here.

What Happens When Aging People Stop Moving

Growing old or coping with a disability is not for the faint hearted.

With loss of muscle mass (which can start from the age of 30 for some people) exercising becomes vitally important to help preserve one’s strength and vitality.

In other words, without the necessary blood flow and work that exercise provides the muscular system with, the negative effects of sedentarism are imminent.

You Don’t Want This To Happen

Without frequent exercise, the ligaments that connect bone to bone and keep the joints stable become less elastic and more prone to damage.

Then you have your tendons, which connect muscle to muscle.

Lacking exercise, they tend to lose their water content and become stiff.

So not only does it become more difficult to move around, but injuries are more likely to occur (and be more difficult to recover from) when a person does not move.

It doesn’t even stop with the muscles… The cartilage that cushions the joints also becomes drier with sedentarism.

In turn, this can lead to many arthritic conditions.

Bones, on their part, become more porous through loss of calcium and thus are rendered more vulnerable to fractures.

It’s Not Only Aging People

Although these things get more common with age, it is worth mentioning that young people are not exempt from the negative sides of inactivity.

Remember, “use it or lose it”.

So, same as with older people, the aging process can never be stopped or reversed. It can only be slowed down by staying active.

Slowed down how much exactly? This is the good news.

The more you exercise, and from the earlier the age, the more these effects of aging can be delayed.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress?

Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship plus de-stress each day.

Keeping Active

Of course, the idea of maintaining an active lifestyle will vary according to the individual.

If the person you care for is disabled through disease, sickness or frailty… you cannot expect them to get up, go for a run around the block and do some push-ups.

But you can at least help them by getting them to stand up and take a few steps or even get up and sit down repeatedly.

A Few Movement Ideas

Any activity is better than no activity.

You must preserve their mobility (and your back) by getting them to stand for longer periods of time and at least taking a few steps around the house.

You can liven up your day, and theirs, by doing chair exercises to music.

Dancing is also a great activity for aging people, as it involves both body and mind.

Getting the arms and legs moving is a great way to lift their spirits, as well as yours.

Make it a fun activity that you both can enjoy.

It goes without saying, but laughter and fun can do wonders for a person in care.

Everyone Benefits From A Little Movement

Always remember, you are not serving the person in your care by allowing them to sit for long periods of time.

You will be exposing them to the risk of pressure injuries as well as loss of mobility.

And of course, all of these things contribute to making their life harder and your job more difficult.

Don’t forget yourself either. You need to get out and go for a walk as well.

Taking some time out can refresh not only your body, but also your mind.

And if you can do that with the person you’re caring for, even better.

Caring for someone doesn’t have to feel like a lonely existence.

So every time your loved one says “don’t move me dear” or “just leave me to sit” or “it hurts too much” remember:

“Use it or lose it”.

You are doing it for yourself as much as them, and in the long run, they will thank you.

If you’re having trouble convincing your aging relative to move, be sure to check out our free Challenging Behaviors Guide. It will help you discover how to deal with this and other difficult attitudes without stressing too much.

How To Care For Your Aging Parents (Without Going Insane)

by Leigh Kelly

You love your parent to the end… They have been there for you forever and now it’s time for you to give back to them.

Absolutely commendable. I admire and support you for your decision as so many people abdicate this responsibility very early on in the process.

However, be prepared for it not to be the nice loving journey that you may have anticipated.

For some people it’s a wonderful and fulfilling journey, but for others… it will challenge them to the hilt.

Facing The New Challenge

We talk about “Challenging Behaviors” but believe me, the person who is likely to be challenged is you!

Why? Because in the first place you probably haven’t had to spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with your parent for a very long time.

You have built a life for yourself doing the things that you want to do.

But now you find you are severely restricted by the disabling behavior and abilities of your parent.

It is very difficult to get away from a person who is becoming frailer either physically or mentally.

You may even find yourself becoming socially isolated. Your friends don’t visit as much or call you to go out for a coffee or dinner.

Perhaps you never thought this would be an issue for you. But once the harsh reality of 24/7 care of someone sets in… it will test your emotions.

Things That May Happen

You may find yourself occasionally losing your temper with your parents. This will probably make you feel guilty for your behavior… but remember you are only human.

Did your parents never shout at you when you were little? Well, it won’t be all beer and skittles now that the boot is on the other foot! It’s normal to feel frustrated with them from time to time.

Caring for someone is also very tiring. Weeks may go without you getting a full-night’s sleep or it may just be that their constant demands are simply too much for you.

You could become both physically and emotionally tired or just drained so that eventually you feel like your tank is empty. But what is there to do when there’s not much left to give?

Caring for aging parents?

Download our FREE Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover…

Practical tools for identifying the root cause of the challenging behavior
How to healthily manage your emotions when dealing with sudden changes in behavior
Questions to help you uncover why the new behavior is affecting you personally
and more…

Actions You Can Take

First of all, it’s important to acknowledge that all these emotions are normal. Especially if you haven’t been taking good care of yourself and maintaining a social life.

You need to know that you are not neglecting your parent if you put them into care so that you can take a brief holiday.

You are doing them a favor, as it will enable you to keep better care of them for longer.

Make time to go out for coffee with your friends. Find a day program or arrange for a friend of theirs to come in and stay with them while you get some time for yourself.

Remember, you are not being selfish – you are preserving your sanity.

Don’t give up on all the things you like to do just to give all your time to your parent. That is committing yourself to a life of resentment and anger, especially if their caring goes on for a number of years.

Deciding When To Seek Additional Care

When you are finally at the end of your tether and you feel like you cannot go on any longer without relief, it’s time to seek help.

Even if it means succumbing to what you said you would never do… finding a nice place for you parent where they can be with other people can start to take up the threads of both your lives again.

I know this is a hard decision to make but what good are you to your parent if you are always tired and worn out?

Maybe none whatsoever. If caring for your parent is starting to make you grouchy, it will also exacerbate the behavior of your parent as they get older… and that won’t be good for either of you.

Other Tips For Preserving Your Sanity While Caring For Your Parent

Don’t commit to caring as a permanent arrangement. Say you will commit to it for a specific period of time.
Maintain some of your own social outlets for time outs and do not feel guilty about it.
Recognize when you are tired and need a break. Better still, plan ahead to take regular breaks and arrange for other family members to take over your role. You can also have a friend or a hired caregiver come in to relieve you.
Be proactive, not reactive. Go visit potential places for your parent to go either long term or for short breaks. Let them know that you are taking care of them for now but you want them to help with finding a Plan B – somewhere where they will be happy if you cannot do it for any given reason.
Be honest with your parent from the outset. Include them in the discussions early so they can have some power over what is going to happen to them.
Accept the situation with an open mind.

The people who settle best into roles, be it as a caregiver or as an ailing parent, are those who are pragmatic about the situation and always have a Plan B. Those who always think “what if?”

These are some ideas that can help you to preserve your sanity and maintain a healthy and loving relationship with your parent. Hope they work for you!

Trying to care for an aging parent without going insane? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can take care of your loved ones while maintaining a healthy relationship.