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When fractured families make life difficult for parents

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This very common occurrence can cause major distress for many families.  It is difficult to understand why a loving family can sometimes turn on those that love them, but it is unbelievably common. This all becomes more apparent around Christmas time. Being isolated or forgotten at Christmas is all to common an occurrence and causes sadness, heightens loneliness and increases anxiety especially among the elderly.

While it is rare for all family members to be involved in the discourse, but the power of one person can cause immense stress to many.  Often the reason the fracture has occurred gets distorted over time with the original cause of the discourse forgotten but this impasse continues. The passage of time does not heal, it just festers all the more. 

However, for the parent, this is very distressing and very difficult to deal with. They often have to bear this on their own or they may discuss it with other family members to try and get some sense of the situation and achieve some sense of understanding. Either way, the effect on the parent’s health is insurmountable.

While the study of pyscho-immunolgy, or the effect of stress on the immune system, is a relatively new science, there is no doubt the prolonged emotional stress of family discord will impact significantly on the physical body eventually.  You can see more on the effects of stress on the body here.

Now it used to be considered that older people suffered less from anxiety and depression, but this is now known to be untrue. Anxiety disorders are the most common form of mental illness in USA, affecting an estimated 40+million people. 

While traumatic events like falls or acute illness may often trigger anxiety, the effects of long-term family discord will always lead to conditions or situation which may even lead to the fall or acute illness in a person.  So, the effects of prolonged stress do affect the person’s ability to remain healthy and active. See more here.

So, what are the signs of anxiety and distress in the elderly? Well there are the common things like withdrawing from society, crying, insomnia, anger and so forth but for more information on the symptoms.

If your parent is showing any of the symptoms, look at what is happening or has happened in their life especially within the family.  You see, a parent will do anything for their child, no matter how old that child is.  It is something they never let go of.  Yes, they may not have been a perfect parent in the eyes of the child, but it is important to recognise they did the best they could with the skill set that they had.

When a child marries or takes a partner another dynamic is thrown into the mix.  The partner may or may not have grown up with the same values and beliefs, but it is important that this partner does not make the parent wrong.  What does need to happen though is the adult child must always remember whatever the parent has done they have done out of love.  Rarely is their malice intended and the partner also needs to consider the “other family” as well as their own. 

The role of adult child is to protect and speak up for on behalf of the parent as the parent no doubt did for them when they were a child. You see for most people, when you were a child you adored your parent.  You didn’t see their short comings, just the love they had for you and the way they guided you.

When you become a teenager, you hated your parent. They were unreasonable in your eyes when they were only guiding and protecting you to be safe and to enter the world of adult hood.

As an adult your parent had prepared you for life and you wanted to make it on your own. Your parent became less important in your life and, dare I say it, a little bit irritating as by this time you were able to think for yourself and objected to any influence they had on your life. The parent had done their job, but they may not always know it, because you are still their child and they want to continue to love you, guide you and protect you.

When they are old and frail they may become a burden on you, your life and your family but one thing is for sure, when they are gone, you will miss them. 

So, it is Christmas time now. While this should be a time of families getting together, for many it is not. All they are left with is their memories. They are often at the bottom of the list of importance in their child’s life – they have their own family(s) and Mum, or Dad are not so important now. They get fitted in to their child’s time schedule unaware of the impact of not seeing them or joining in Christmas celebrations has on their parent. 

So, have some compassion for your parents. Mend the rifts that may be plaguing your family so when the time comes to say goodbye you will be free from any regrets. Be proud that you did not contribute to your parents decline through sickness caused by stress and anxiety.  Help them to be the best they can be by giving back to them what they gave you – love.  Be a good example to your children and show them how to be a good child as an adult because you never know how your children, or their partners, will treat you. 

Also have some compassion for those in your care who are alone with only their memories at Christmas and remember it is not a joyous time for everyone.

Now it is not all doom and gloom. If you can find 13 minutes to listen to this wonderful video on 3 centenarians and even show it to those who are feeling sad at Christmas it might uplift them. Very inspiring.

Learning Styles Across Cultures

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I came across an article in a Training & Development Magazine. It is written by Sean O’Tool who works with Australia’s largest employer of Aboriginal people and it is about understanding the difference between traditional culture learning and mainstream western culture learning. He received a Churchill Scholarship to investigate best practices of teaching indigenous people in New Zealand, Canada and USA. 

Indigenous people around the world share many common learning styles which can be in conflict with the way most of our teaching is done in western culture where we use the expert-novice model. Those of us who work with many ethnicities, know that not every body learns the same way and unless we look at providing a variety of learning options, teaching staff to provide the care the way we expect them to will result in varying results.  “A common learning style for indigenous people is to see a demonstration and go away and practice privately until they master the skill” he says.  How many times do we actually nurture or respect this way of learning?

In the article there is a comparative table of the learning styles of indigenous and non-indigenous people. It was developed by the Aboriginal Human Resource Council of Canada (2007).  I hope you find it interesting

TRADITIONAL CULTURE             MAINSTREAM WESTERN CULTURE
Community is the foremost of all values Individualism is the foremost value
The future tense is dominant Tradition of printing and literacy
The world is understood mythically The present is the dominant tense
Goals are met with patience   The world is understood scientifically
Ownership is often communal  Goals are met with aggressive effort
Gifts are regarded as social glue   Ownership is reward for hard work
Work is often motivated by group need Gifts are regarded as holiday issues
Aging is a source of wisdom  Work is motivated by ambition
Eye contact is thought over-assertive Aging is decay and loss
Silences are acceptable anywhere Eye contact is part of conversation
Assertiveness is non-communal  Silences are a waste of time
Listening skills are prized Assertiveness is a basic social skill
Soft spoken words carry farthest Communication skills are prized
Nodding signifies understanding Emphasis carries the day
Handshake is soft, signalling no threat Nodding signifies agreement
Collective decisions are consensual   Handshake is firm, assertive
A faith in harmony with nature Collective decisions are put to a vote
Family is extended family A faith in scientific control of nature
Responds to praise of the group  Family is nuclear family
Responds to praise of the individual

A Caregiver’s Guide To Preventing PTSD

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Can you get PTSD from caregiving? If so, how do you minimize the risk of becoming affected by this disorder?

Did you ever think you would be at risk of post traumatic stress disorder just by being the caregiver for a loved one? I bet it didn’t even enter your mind when you took over the role, especially if it was something that you really wanted to do.

In most cases, caregiving should be a peaceful process where the one in care gets to enjoy quality time with his loved ones at the dawn of life. This is the ideal scenario right?

But for a lot of people, depending on the conditions of the one in care, caregiving can be an excruciating and stressful process. The aftermath of which can leave the caregiver in a state of prolonged stress that can border on PTSD or prolonged grief disorder (PGD).

Although there is little research about the post-traumatic stress that may follow after caring for a loved one, several experts (such as Christine Sanderson of Cavalry Health Care in Sydney) have acknowledged that it does exist.

Why Is This Different?

A lot of people tend to think that caring for their loved one shouldn’t be as different as caring for small children. After all, they are both 24/7 jobs that require them to look after someone. If they succeeded at the former, wouldn’t that mean they are prepared for the latter?

Well, quite simply, children grow up and gradually learn to do things for themselves. Each little milestone is usually celebrated as their parents know they’re on their path to independence.

However, looking after a loved one, be it a parent, partner or spouse, is a whole new ball game. If the person has a terminal condition, they are only going to get worse, not better.

If they have had an injury, they may get better but not necessarily back to their pre-accident self. You will probably not be celebrating each milestone they pass through.

A Potential Source Of Trauma

So, as you can see, caregiving for a senior citizen is dealing with a whole new set of emotions. A lot of people are not prepared for this and that is what may lead to them feeling trapped.

Imagine, you may be going along nicely without any problems apart from perhaps lack of sleep and pure tiredness. But the combination of those things, along with the stress of seeing a loved one in constant discomfort, can build up over time.

Then you may feel as though you can’t cope any longer. Feelings of guilt may begin to rise up, as well as dread from not knowing who will take over your role as the principal caregiver if you were to suddenly desist.

Preventing PTSD As A Caregiver

These are the dilemmas you are likely to encounter. So the important thing is to be able to acknowledge them while they occur, rather than suppressing them and waiting for them to emerge once your caregiving duties are over.

If you feel like it’s all too much to handle and you start to crave for your own life back, even something as simple as being able to sit down and enjoy some peace and quiet, you need to know that it’s not because of selfishness.

I’ll say it again. You are not selfish, you are normal. You are not losing your mind either. You have a right to a life and some downtime once in awhile.

The problem is that you probably haven’t planned ahead in order to anticipate this situation.

The Secret Lies In Anticipation

So how can you overcome this guilt?  How can you overcome the risk of PTSD so you don’t become dysfunctional yourself?

First, anticipate that you may reach a time when it’s all too much for you. Then you can lay certain things on the table for your loved one, close friends and family to be on the same page.

For example, arrange to have regular breaks for you to replenish yourself. Have someone else fill in for you every now and then so you can stay healthy and on top of things.

Also, avoid wasting time on feeling guilty because you are tired and worn out and can’t or, dare I say it, don’t want to continue in this role.

Remember that you matter too, so think about your own needs from the very beginning. Plan ahead so you can continue caring and avoid the guilt and exhaustion that can and does come with being a full-time caregiver.

Leveling With Others

A big part of this, as mentioned above, is telling yourself and your loved one that you will fulfill the caregiving role for as long as you can and when you can no longer do it, an alternative will be put in place.

If you do this from the beginning you will feel less guilty when the time comes and then you will be much happier letting go in order to preserve yourself and minimize the risk of any post-traumatic disorder in the long run.

Consider that there is no point in having two people sick and disabled because of one person being unwell. No point in having to work to overcome PTSD in the future either, not when you could prevent it in the first place.

That being said, it is worth mentioning that if you have concluded a period of caring for a loved one and are experiencing symptoms of PTSD, no one can determine if you are actually affected by the disorder but an expert on the matter. Be sure to seek proper guidance.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress?

Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on, maintain your relationship and de-stress each day.

Is Keeping A Loved One At Home The Best Option?

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There are many options available for providing care to a loved one, even if you decide to care for them at home.

But a lot of people get caught up with the idea that having them at home is just too much work. They think that if they don’t have the time themselves, nobody will care appropriately for their loved one.

So they turn to caregiving facilities or retirement homes instead of considering the services that could make keeping a loved one at home a reality.

On the other hand, others become fixated with the idea of keeping them at home when their needs require far more professional assistance.

In this blog post we’ll take a look at the advantages and disadvantages of keeping a loved one at home. We’ll also take a look at some of the resources for In-Home Care that could be available to you, and how you should go about deciding what’s best.

The Advantages Of In-Home Care

These are the general upsides to in-home caring. Of course, they may vary according to your particular situation, but they should help you make an informed decision.

  • No Adjustment Stage: Your loved one can stay in their own home, within surroundings they are familiar with. This is a great option for people who have cognitive issues and get lost in unfamiliar places or those with vision impairment, as going to a new place can be quite difficult for them.
  • Less Expenses: The drain on their finances will be reduced as they will have to spend a minimum amount of money on reduced care hours.
  • More Self-Sufficiency: If they are able to, they would have the option to prepare their own meals, even if it’s just heating up things on their own.
  • Family Involvement: You do not have to completely hand over the care to someone else – you can have more involvement in their care (if you have the time).
  • More Visits: It can be easier to visit them, since you probably can come and go more freely than on a facility. They can also be closer to your kids or other family members.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress?

Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

Resources For In-Home Care

There are a wide variety of services that can intensify these advantages. For example Meals on Wheels is a service that home delivers nutritious meals on a daily basis to people in care.

They are available in several countries so it’s only a matter of seeing if they have operations where you are. Otherwise, they might be a similar service being carried out by a similar enterprise near you. It’s only a matter of researching or asking around.

You can also turn to outside help like with Companion Care Services or Personal Care Assistants. These are hired professionals that can either provide professional nursing or companionship. The latter is great when your loved one requires light assistance but is maybe alone most of the day because family members have other activities.

As with most services, the availability and even naming of this will vary by country, but know that there are options out there. As an example, Here’s a comprehensive list of the services in America.

Downsides Of In-Home Care

However, even if you find a combination of hired services and your own efforts that could work for your loved one, there are always some disadvantages that we must consider.

Remember, this is about weighing out all the options in order to find out what is best for everyone involved. So let’s take a look at the cons:

  • New Faces, Constant Adjusting: The people that you hire to care or assist your loved one may change frequently. If you can get the same person all the time, that’s great. But the reality is, businesses often change staff and people move on to new opportunities even if they’re free agents. With every new person, your loved one will have to start all over again and there’s no telling if he or she will like every one of them.
  • Services May Fall Short: With some services, the person coming in to help may only be there for a short time and only to do specific tasks like prepare a meal, do some household chores, attend to hygiene needs or whatever has been agreed. Finding if this is enough and there are family members willing to fill the gap can be a tricky ordeal.
  • Keeping Track Of Expenses: We mentioned above that in-home care could be more cost-effective, but you should always consider that someone will have to stay on top of all the bills and make sure every service is paid for in due time. Even if no services are hired, someone will have to look over your loved one’s monthly expenses and maybe even the cost of opportunity if you are working less in order to care for them yourself.
  • Pressure: In-Home Care is also likely to put more pressure on you to go and check on your loved one to ensure they are safe and well cared for, since you’re basically supervising everything.
  • Loneliness: Extended periods of time on their own can increase the likelihood of social isolation, even if they are with a hired professional, it’s hard to replace the company of family members they’ve known for years or other groups of seniors they may empathize with. In turn, this can increase the risk of mental health issues like depression or even physical issues like the risk of falls or accidents when they are by themselves.

Assessing Your Own Situation

This list is only a simple glance. We provided the same number of upsides than downsides but the situation will always vary on a case by case basis. There is simply no “one-size-fits-all” solution when it comes to care.

One important thing to consider though, is being open towards the best possible solution. Otherwise, the consequences of holding on to just one option could be dire.

For example, keeping a person who is becoming frail at home at all costs may do more harm than good. A lot of this will fall on the families’ shoulders and, from my experience, there is usually one person who bears the brunt of this role.

Often the cost for this person can be really high, and even higher if that person is also holding down a full time job. It is hard enough to manage one household and a full time job, but managing two may be enough to push someone over the edge.

Love Doesn’t Need To Be Irrational

I completely understand wanting to take the caregiving role after everything your loved ones have done for you in the past.

If you are in this situation, and weighing up what to do, think very carefully before you commit yourself to the caring role. Plan ahead and do a risk assessment of the situation.

If you do decide to keep your loved one at home, don’t do it out of duty. Do it out of love and with full knowledge of being able to do it.

Share The Decision

Lastly, whether you choose to care for them yourself, hire people to come into their home occasionally, or fully taking them to a retirement home, remember that it should be, if possible, a decision you make with them.

Lay it all out in front of your loved one and involve them in how you came to the idea you have and why you think it’s the best option.

If your loved one becomes unreasonable about it, then you may have to risk their wrath. Just make sure whatever you propose, that you do it for the right reasons.

If you’ve made it this way, you do not have to justify to anyone why the decision was made either way.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on, maintain your relationship and de-stress each day.

How To Choose The Best Caring Option For Your Loved Ones

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Find The Best Option For Caring

When a loved one needs to be taken care of, finding the best way to do so can be nerve-wrecking.

You can choose to do it yourself, keep it all between family members, have a professional come over periodically, hire someone full time, send them to a caring facility or even a combination of several of those.

Between all these options, making an informed decision can be very stressful. You have to consider several factors, both external and internal, to make sure your loved one gets the best possible care.

So we’ve put together a checklist that may help you with your decision. These are the things you should consider and ask yourself before making a decision.

May they serve you and your loved one well!

1. What Are The Essential Things My Loved One Needs?

Between family members that may want to help out and the many services that professionals and facilities can offer, it is essential to narrow down the core needs of your loved one before choosing anything.

Everyone is different and no one is going through the exact same situation, so you need to write their needs down. Preferably with the help of your physician, and base your decision off of this.

The best option will be the one that does a better job at covering all of these while being comfortable for everyone involved. By comfortable, I mean both financially and in terms of time-consumption.

So, when considering each option, list all the advantages to that decision.

Let’s take a caring facility for example. Maybe your loved one could benefit from thriving in a new environment, so that would be an important factor to consider.

Get the idea?

This of course, is not something that you should do by yourself. Involving your loved one and other concerned family members in this process is a must., as we’ll see below.

2. What’s The Best Option For Me?

You may think this sounds selfish, but it is actually about being sensible.

When making a decision as big as how your loved one will be taken care of, you need to think of your well-being too.

If you don’t include yourself in the equation, it can build up anger and resentment and fracture your relationship with your loved one and other family members.

Have you taken into account, the impact it would have on your own life and family? Are you doing it out of genuine love for the person and a strong desire to care for them?  Or are you doing it because you think it is your duty to do so?

Although it’s difficult, facing these questions will ensure that you step into this process with a clear head and well-organized priorities.

However, if you don’t, that’s when resentment, anger and bitterness can start to build up.

3. Call A Family Meeting

As we mentioned above, every concerned party should be involved in the decision. So once you have a good grasp on what your loved one’s needs are and you’re in a clear headspace about why you’re doing this, it’s time to have a group discussion.

First, gather everyone that should take part in this decision, including your loved one of course. After taking everyone’s points of view into account, try to narrow down the decision into preferably two options.

Then, get a large piece of paper and list the advantages and disadvantages of each of these options. For example, you could be comparing the pros and cons of staying at home vs. the pros and cons of going into a caring facility.

The idea is to brainstorm the advantages and disadvantages for everyone. This way a result that is adequate for everyone is much more likely to be produced.

4. Create A “What If” List

Once you have a scenario that everyone, or a majority, seems to be on-board with, look to the even longer term and do a list of possible outcomes.

For example, if you have decided to keep your loved one at home with services coming in to help them, a “what if” list could include things like:

  • The professional carer suddenly can’t keep doing it and we have to find another one
  • Some family members move away and suddenly the caring responsibilities fall on one or few people.

As you probably noticed, there are two main lines of questioning to help you come up with the “what if’s”. These are:

  1. “What if” for the person: For this, consider at what point will you know that keeping them at home is no longer an option.  It maybe they are becoming increasingly lonely and are making a lot of phone calls to family members. Or maybe they are having more accidents around the house.
  2. “What if” for the carer: These are any personal circumstances that may occur to those doing the caring. For example, if it’s you, maybe your job has changed and you need to travel more; so you are not as available as before. It could also be that the number of calls you are getting during your work day is causing you stress. You decide at what point you could no longer keep up the role of principal carer.

Once you have your list of “what if’s” written down, it’s time to think about what would you do if any of those actually occurs.

That brings us to the next point on our checklist…

5. Develop Contingency Plans

At the same family meeting, you can also brainstorm what the possible lines of action would be if any of those “what if’s” suddenly becomes a reality. You could even start doing things as a family that would make it all easier when that rainy day comes.

For example, a very common contingency plan if you all have decided to care of your loved one at home would be to use a caring facility.

In that case, you could all visit some residential facilities that may be able to accommodate your loved one if the need arises.

It may seem pointless, but it’s the kind of thing that is better to face even before it’s even a need. It can also be a good bonding exercise for the whole family. Take your loved one with you as well and view some options together to get their opinion.

Your Very Own Strategy

The point of this checklist is not to tell you exactly what to do, but to illustrate the ways that you can look deep into your own situation and find the best solution yourself.

Hopefully you will soon have a “What If” strategy in place and a contingency plan. You’ll be prepared and most importantly, you and your family will all be on the same page.

The beauty of investing time into the preparation of a contingency plan is that if the need ever arises, you’ll be ready to action it without wasting any time.

On the other hand, the wrong decision at a time of a crisis can create a lot of anger, frustration and family discord if clear communication and assertive planning have not been put into place.

So be sure to go through this checklist with your family members and don’t hesitate to contact me if you need more advice.

Good luck!

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on, maintain your relationship and de-stress each day.

 

How To Know When It’s Time For Assisted Living

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Factors To Consider Assisted Living

This is a very tricky one because there are no hard and fast rules as to when you need to call in extra support. Rather, there are a broad number of factors that come into play here, so we’ll cover those in depth.

It’s important to remember that everyone’s case will be different. But over my years of experience as a professional caregiver and from my time managing a nursing home, I’ve found out that these are the most important factors to consider when making this decision.

The point is to take a realistic inventory and see if everyone involved would be better off by involving professional care.

The Background Of Your Relationship

By this I mean, what sort of relationship have you had with your parent or loved one?  Do you have a deep love for them? Or are you taking care of them out of misplaced sense of duty because of one of the following:

  • You feel it is expected of you
  • There is no one else to do it
  • You were begged to commit to never putting them in care
  • Their fear about leaving home plays over in your mind
  • They will take up all your inheritance

Or are you taking care of them because…?

  • They’ve always been there to support you and it’s time to give back to them
  • You would not even consider leaving this role to someone else
  • You have had a serious discussion with them and have committed to doing it for now
  • You would do this even if it took every cent out of your inheritance

Your Reasons For Taking Over The Caring Role

If you are being the caregiver because of any of the reasons from the first group, (i.e. done out of duty) then resentment and bitterness will probably take its toll on you. You will also not be able to do the job of caring as well as a professional.

In fact, you’re more at risk of deteriorating your relationship with your parent or spouse. Doing a job you don’t want to do for a long period of time is just not the recipe for doing it properly. Worst of all, you may begin to feel trapped in this role.

However, if you truly believe you are the best person to take on the role and you love them unconditionally, your relationship will remain intact or even strengthen.

If you genuinely enjoy the role, there could be an immense sense of fulfillment and satisfaction in caring for them. If you willingly give up some of your life for them, you will find the precious time you spend together enhances your life immeasurably.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress?

Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can understand the underlying causes, maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

How Do You Feel

Probably the biggest trick in knowing whether it’s time to have your loved one in assisted living is realizing when it’s too much for you to continue doing the caring.

I say it’s the biggest trick because no one can answer that for you – it’s your judgement call.

It means having an innate awareness of yourself and your capabilities. Also, looking inside and being able to acknowledge to yourself that you cannot continue in the role of caring.

Previous Discussions

If you’ve been reading Care Training Online for a while, you probably know that when it comes to the question of professional care or doing it yourself, I always recommend planning ahead.

This means having a discussion about how each person feels about professional caring way ahead of time. Even before it’s a possibility.

That conversation, should be something along the lines of:

“I will continue to care for you for as long as I feel capable and comfortable with the role. If I feel that I cannot cope or our relationship is being destroyed, will you accept my judgement and forgive me for having to place you in care?”

If you have had a conversation like this, you should now bring it back and not feel guilty if you have to let go if you can no longer do the job; considering that both of you agreed to that.

If you haven’t, perhaps it’s not so late. That discussion should also help you assess whether your loved one is ready to go into external care or not.

Your Own Promises

On the other hand, if you have boxed yourself into a corner by saying things like:

  • “I will never let anyone else take care of you”
  • “I will never place you in a home”
  • “I promise to keep you in your own home for the rest of your life”

Quite frankly, those are the best ways to build resentment and eventually feel frustrated about giving up your life to try and please another person.

As poetic as they may sound, they are usually just blanket commitments that are very likely to fail.

Why? You just never know what the journey will be like nor do you know if your health is going to allow you to continue caring.

Being in a situation where you feel there is no way out only compounds your problems and increases stress for both you and your loved one.

If you have said things like that and are now in this situation, just try to make clear that you didn’t know how hard it was going to be when you said it.

Then, have an open discussion about how far are you willing to go before turning to professional care.

Wealth And Property

Finally, I want to take a minute to talk about inheritance.

I’ve seen many cases where this factor weighs in when people are deciding whether it’s time to send their loved one into a retirement facility or not.

First, let’s get one thing very clear: the money or property a person amasses in their life is theirs. It is to help provide for themselves after they retire and this may very well include purchasing professional caring services.

In those cases, you shouldn’t see it as a drain to your finances. You do not actually have a right to an inheritance; only as much as the person is willing to concede.

That being said, you do have a right to what is left after they have passed on. But please don’t think of yourself first and your parent second. They have earned the right to purchase the care they want or need.

The Golden Rule

And I’ll leave you with this. If you only walk away remembering one thing from this conversation it is this…

As with all things in life; do the job willingly, with no conditions attached, or don’t do it at all.

 

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can understand the underlying causes, maintain your relationship and de-stress each day.

So You’ve Decided To Place Your Loved One In A Care Facility

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Decided To Place Your Loved One In A Facility

Once you reach a point where you can no longer manage caring for you partner or parent…

Whether it’s in their home or living with you… it is a heart wrenching decision to finally place them in care.

So how can you alleviate this heavy decision?

We’ll get to that in this article, plus we’ll cover some of the reasons that may have brought you to this point.

As you’ll see, it always helps to know exactly why you’re doing it.

Emotional Drainage

Firstly, being a caregiver to someone you love can be very hard on your emotions.

Because you know them so well and love them so much, it may be excruciating to constantly see them in their current state if you also have the duty to take care of them.

Your emotional attachment makes you extremely vulnerable.

So not only is your loved one feeling out of control of the situation.. but maybe you are too.

Overcoming Guilt

It’s normal for the mere thought of putting a loved one in care to be a source of guilt in the beginning.

And it’s a common occurrence when people don’t know what types of professional care are actually available.

The thing is, most people get into an unhealthy circle of expectations… where the ones in need of care expect their loved ones to take care of them, and the other person feels like it’s his or her duty to do it.

Some people are even groomed to take on this role for years in advance.

When that works for people, that’s admirable. But a lot of people put that pressure on themselves just because they are not aware of how good professional care can actually be.

So rather than feeling guilty, try to at least weigh the options out.

There’s a reason there are caring professionals. Some people are trained and do this well and your loved one may be better off under their wing.

Passing On The Role Is Not Necessarily Bad

If you’ve visited several caring facilities or met with professionals, it is likely that you have found all those terrible things one hears about residential care to be mostly false.

So if at first, the dread of such rumors is what kept you from seeking outside help, you can now let go of a role that perhaps you weren’t meant for.

Doing this almost out of obligation, without a real desire and enjoyment is just the path to becoming resentful.

If the role of caretaker was dealt to you without much choice, it’s time to pass it on to more qualified and willing hands.

Burning Out

Even if at first you volunteered to be the caretaker and eagerly accepted the challenge, maybe you have come to the point where you no longer feel capable of doing it.

As a professional caretaker, I’m here to tell you that that is completely understandable and normal.

Caring for someone can be really hard on the body. So if you can no longer sleep well at night, are not feeding yourself adequately and are overwhelmed with feelings of guilt… it’s time to let go.

Let go of the external expectations that say you’re supposed to keep doing this.

If you have reached a limit, it doesn’t help anyone if you burn yourself out. Those who were not able to help you should be thankful, but also understanding of the fact that you can no longer do it.

And Here’s What You Do About It

With a major decision like this…

All of the above are normal feelings and hopefully, both your loved one and your close relatives will be able to understand and respect that.

So once you’ve discovered why you feel like professional care is the next step, here’s what you need to do…

Inform Others Of Your Decision

So you finally get up the courage to broach the subject with others. What if your family members and loved one don’t take it well?

Even before you do it, it helps to know and accept that the reaction will vary.

Maybe your loved one will say things like “please don’t do it” or “I will help you more”.

And your family members may ask why can’t you keep doing it.

A lot of resistance can be met, but know that they are facing their own fears as well. This is normal too and you shouldn’t let it get the best of you.

So What Are The Options?

If it comes to the point where your decision wasn’t well-received, you are pretty much left with two possible actions:

  1. You can stick firm to your decision and face the consequences
  2. You can succumb to the blackmail and guilt that is piled on to you and keep going until you feel even worse than before

You’ve made it this far, so number one is obviously the most reasonable course of action.

Of course, communication is crucial in order to make it work. Let everyone one know exactly why you are considering professional care and why you no longer feel able to do it alone.

Even better, try to include them.

Once you tell them how you’re feeling, ask for their help. You can all look for caring facilities or professionals together. If they are your family and they care for you, I bet they’ll be glad to help once they know they full picture.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress?

Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on, maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

Important Fact: Not All Residential Care Is Bad

It’s very important for everyone involved to know that not everything about residential care is bad. We tend to hear the worst that is reported in the paper and often blown out of proportion.

But that’s mainly because scandalous and scary news is more often shared, so the news outlets tend to avoid the good things entirely.

There are many happy people in residential care. They are socialized, well fed and completely cared for. Basically all the things that you may be struggling to do on your own right now.

Commonly, people forget to think that their aging loved ones may be happier around other people their age than with someone that may feel burdened about having to care for them.

Take The Plunge

If you have taken the time to carefully check out facilities and you have found one that you feel will be appropriate for them, go ahead and place them there.

Yes it sounds blunt, but if you and your loved one relate well to the staff, are comfortable around them and feel like they actually care and listen to you… go ahead and give it a try.

You Can Always Switch!

Remember, if it turns out you don’t like the place after a while, the location doesn’t suit you or you found a facility you like better, it’s okay to move.

The whole point is to find what’s best for your loved one. So don’t be afraid of trying out a new place if things just aren’t working.

It May Not Be Easy At First…

Yes, at first your loved one may try to make you feel guilty about placing them in care; but I guarantee that once you walk out of the facility they will suddenly be fine with their new friends.

It’s almost like with little children. If you have kids, you probably remember how they cried when you left them somewhere new like kindergarten.

And as soon as you were out of sight, they met up with their friends and started playing and laughing, totally forgetting about you.

Placing someone in residential care can be very similar. It may be a hard decision at first, but if it’s for your own well-being, it will be good for those around you too.

Never lose sight of the fact that you are just as important as your loved one.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on, maintain your relationship and de-stress each day.

How To Protect Personal Items When Your Loved One Goes Into Care

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How To Handle Personal Items When Your Loved One Goes Into Care

I know it is not all smooth sailing when a loved one is placed into care.  Things don’t always happen the way you want them to and, in your (and their) eyes, they can go very wrong sometimes.

Throughout all my years working in long term care, I have noticed that the biggest issues that keep cropping up between people are the disappearance of personal belongings and the appropriate handling of clothes.

Sometimes these issues are avoidable, other times not. It’s important to remember that your loved one can be upset with or without reason…

And that those in charge at the facility have a lot of people to keep up with.

So in this post, we’ll cover some measures you can take in order to avoid frustration when your loved one is in care.

“I Honestly Thought It Was Mine!”

It’s very frustrating when precious belongings go missing or are found in other people’s rooms.

Nevertheless, it’s understandable for people with memory loss to get confused.

I’ve heard and witnessed cases of people that enter other people’s rooms by mistake, and even pick up precious items and then put them down somewhere else.

Afterwards, it is hard to know exactly who did it because even in state of the art facilities, it’s very difficult to monitor a person 24/7 when they are mobile.

“I’m Missing A Sock… Again!”

Equally frustrating but perhaps more avoidable is when clothes are not cared for properly or disappear to then turn up in someone else’s room.

This is not usually the fault of a person with dementia, but rather the inattention and negligence by the caregivers or laundry personnel.

I honestly don’t understand why this happens, but it is an ongoing problem that many managers have to battle each day.

5 Things You Can Do

These things happen, in varying degrees of course, along many caring facilities.

So it’s best to simply be prepared and not leave things to chance.

I am now going to offer five suggestions on how you can reduce the risk of these frustrated events happening to you and your loved one.

1. Put Their Name On Everything

This may seem like going back to the days when you or your kids were on kindergarten…

But in a certain way going into care is similar. And that’s why this works.

It really helps to make sure that every item of clothing, photograph or precious Knick Knack has your loved one’s name on it.

That way if anything gets misplaced or taken by a confused resident, the rightful owner can be promptly identified.

2. Make An Inventory

Whether your loved one is about to go into care or already in a facility, it helps to keep an inventory of items that your loved one has taken in with them.

The thing is, even you can forget what has actually been taken to the facility in the first place. Perhaps new items are even brought in every time someone visits during the first months.

So as you can imagine, it definitely helps to record everything on an inventory.

You can write everything down or keep a photo record. This will make it much easier to make sure that a lost item was definitely lost in the facility.

Then, having pictures will make the work of retrieving them much easier.

3. Do Periodical Stock Checks

By “Stock Checks” I mean checking up on your loved one’s belongings every now and then.

This will help you to discover early on whenever things are misplaced or go missing.

When you visit, you can tidy up the drawers, closets or wherever your loved one keeps precious items.

This can also be helpful to keep track of your loved one’s clothes and identify any items that need mending or replacing.

4. Don’t Take Items You’re Not Willing To Risk

I know this may seem sad. In an ideal world you should be able to take anything you want to a care facility and not be worried about anything going missing.

But things happen and you just never know…

Also, when it comes to items that have a particular significance or great value, it’s probable that they just don’t have the same significance to others.

So it will be best not to take them unless they’re completely necessary.

This is particularly true of items with special meaning or family heirlooms.

If you want to keep them on the long term and don’t want to risk anything happening to them, perhaps they are best left at home.

5. Bring Your Own Laundry Bag

If you are concerned about the way clothing is being laundered and cared for, it definitely helps to provide the facility with your own laundry bag, then taking it and doing that laundry at home.

“But I’m paying “x” amount a month! You would expect them to do laundry!”

While that reasoning definitely makes sense, depending on what you pay, it’s just the best way of ensuring that your loved one’s laundry gets done right.

As with the stock checks, it will also allow you to keep track of any mending that needs to be done or when clothes need to be replaced.

And of course, also being able to sure that no item gets misplaced among all the other resident’s laundry.

It’s About Working With The Facility

I know that what I have suggested isn’t always that easy.

You may not have had time to plan for a person to be placed in long term care, so you just grab what you think they will need.  

Presents get taken in for a special occasion and the person giving the gift doesn’t think that it will be necessary to put the person’s name on it.

But when I ran a facility, I lost count of the items that turned up on my desk, without anyone having any idea who they belonged to.

A common recurrence were photographs that no one could identify anyone in. Perhaps they had been left behind after a person passed away, or perhaps the right person just hadn’t seen and claimed them yet.

Either way, as with many other items, it would have been much easier if a name had been placed on or written somewhere.

As you can see, the facility is not always to blame.

While I absolutely understand that it’s not acceptable for clothes to be laundered incorrectly, or be put in other people’s drawers… you need to do your bit too and make sure everything is labeled clearly so they can be returned to you.

Your Loved One’s Advocate

Think of it as being your loved one’s advocate. Having their clothes and other precious items with them is a way of making sure that they feel comfortable in their new home.

So be proactive and help both your loved one and the facility to keep track of personal items. Then whenever something goes missing, you can advise the manager and have them do something about it.

When that time comes, you’ll feel more reassured knowing that you already took certain measures.

If any of these measure’s doesn’t sit very well with your loved one, be sure to check out or Free Challenging Behavior’s Guide.

What To Do If You Need To Take A Break From Caring

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What To Do If You Need To Take A Break From Caring

As I have said in many blogs before, recognizing when you need a break is a hard thing to do.

Caring burnout is an insidious condition.

Something you just keep doing day in and day out, with little thought or consideration for yourself… until it all comes crashing down on you.

That’s why there’s a real benefit in forward planning. It can save you a lot of time and distress.

When To Start Planning A Break

First of all, while you are still able to care for your parent or loved one without any problems, this is the time you should be planning ahead and going to look at the alternatives that are around.

If you postpone this decision to the point when you are in immediate need of a break, it will only be harder on everyone involved.

So whenever you are able to recognize that you’re going to have to be caring for a close family member, this is the time to plan what you will do if you become too exhausted.

Transparency Is Key

It is also best to make sure you are honest with your loved one as well. Discussing things with them openly is essential.

This may seem obvious, but this is one of the biggest mistakes families make…

Keeping it all under wraps. Not talking in front of them for fear of how they will react.

But they have a right to be included in the discussions. They have a right to be part of the solution. They have the right to choose, especially while they are still able to contribute.

You know, fear of the unknown is far worse than facing the fear head on because it usually is nowhere near as bad as either you or they anticipated.  

Finding The Right Care Facility

So you’re taking a break. Once everyone is clear on the fact that you’re going to involve outside help in the caring process, it is time to find an appropriate caring facility.

Here’s my advice…

On a nice sunny day when you are both feeling mellow, make a decision to go and visit some residential care facilities or day programs.

In each place you visit, get the opinion of the person who may have to use the program or live in the facility.

Also, find out from the facility what they do or have available that your loved one is interested in.

How Do You Know If It’s Right?

Spend some time at these places to see how they really operate and what’s available.

Don’t just go once… maybe even go at different times of the day to see what is going on.

Once you have narrowed it down to the right place, see if your loved one can spend an hour or so there.

You may have to pay by the hour or half day or they may just be happy for you try it… but this is an important step to seeing if it’s right for your family.

How To Stay Involved In The Process

Once you’ve found the right caring facility and take your much deserved break, it’s important to stay involved in the process of caring. Even if it’s not at the same intensity as before.

You can do this by asking the caring facility when they have some programmed activities that would be good for you to attend.

Some facilities have things like mid-winter dinner, concerts, dances or regular church services. You may be more than welcome to attend them.

I’ve even seen facilities with a Men’s Shed and mending circles.

Your Visits Can Go Even Further

Of course, you can always just go visit your relatives and even other people (like their new friends) and spend some quality time talking to them.

Sadly, as you may eventually find out, there are people with families in another state or country and they have no one to visit them.

Even when you’re still deciding between caring facilities, visiting these people can be both a good way for you to know more about the place and a blessing for them.

In that vein, you can also volunteer and help with any number of things within the facility.

In my experience, extra hands are always appreciated.

It’s All About Having A Plan

As you can see, finding somewhere that both you and your loved one are comfortable with is an essential part of caring.

Even if you don’t necessarily reach the point where you need to take a break, setting up a good relationship with a potential residential care facility or a day program, makes it easier for both of you, if and when the time comes.

Also, as I always stress, it’s another thing you can do together. Make it an activity to be enjoyed and not a chore to be avoided.

Lastly, if you have reached the point where you need to take a break from caring but haven’t done any of this beforehand, just hang in there.

Hopefully you can take some of the above measures along with your loved one.

It’s never too late to do things right!

Making plans like these can sometimes be hard when your loved ones don’t have best attitude. For some tips on dealing with this and other challenging behaviors, be sure to get our Free Challenging Behaviors Guide.

How To Come To Terms With Professional Caring

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How To Come To Terms With Professional Care

When you decide to place one of your parents in a caring facility, it is highly probable that neither of you will be 100% happy with the care.

After all, the personnel can only do their best, but they do not have the same knowledge of your parent as you do.

Nor are they emotionally involved with them…

Although I’ve seen some truly heart-warming and attentive professional carers before, the bottom line is that your parent is not their parent.

They Are All Caring For Several Persons

But this does not mean they don’t care.

In my experience, they really do care very much about your parent. They wouldn’t have gone into professional caring otherwise.

It’s just that they have many others to care for as well.  

That means that they cannot afford to become too emotionally involved with those in their care. Otherwise it would just be completely mentally exhausting to do their job.

If every caregiver became emotionally involved with everyone in their charge as if they were their own parent… they would not last in the job for long.  

Naturally, they have to be practical about it and provide loving care for your parent without becoming emotionally and physically drained.

They Care, Just Not In The Same Way You Do

This may be hard for you to understand because you love your parent and want to make sure they get the best available care.

But it’s different to invest your time and energy providing care to one or two parents that you have known your whole life… than having to care for perhaps 5 or 6 people that you have only known briefly.

Also, the carers may simply come from a different culture, background or ethnicity than you and your parents.

Obviously, every person’s way of expressing care is different.

It doesn’t mean they don’t care… but that they do it differently.

Ways You Can Help Your Professional Carer (And Your Parent)

It’s hard enough to accept that you are not able to care for your parent.

Sometimes it can even be harder for the caregiver if you don’t tell them much about your parent and the things that are important to them.

One way you can do this is to compile a life story on your parent.

If you can do it well before they go into care, that’s even better.  

You can sit down with them and find out about what it was like for them when they grew up. All the things that they enjoyed when young or life changing events.

Not only will this result be very satisfying for you… it will also help the caregivers to better understand your parent.

And in turn, that will result in better care for your parent. 

Craft An Advanced Care Plan

Another thing you can do is take a look at our article on Advanced Care Plans and craft one with your parent. 

Again, it will mean you need to sit down with them and write down all the things that they consider important when going into care.

The best time to do this is when they are fit and well. It is like an insurance policy to ensure they get taken care of the way they want to.

It could also mean having to face some eventual decisions, like cremation or burial/funeral wishes.

Although I understand it’s not the nicest conversation to have, the sooner you have these discussions with them… the less stressful it will be for you and those around you when the time comes.

It also means that they can rest assured in their last wishes being respected, instead of leaving their loved ones with a lot of guess work.

It’s A Natural Conversation To Have

Maybe you don’t like to have, or even think about having, these discussions (you’re not alone).

But in my experience, most older people are very pragmatic about these things.

They probably have already experienced the loss of their friends or some older family members, so they know it will be inevitable for them one day.

If you sit down with them and have a conversation about their life, eventually it can move into things they have never told you and from there onto more difficult decisions.

With the right mood and everyone feeling calm and comfortable, it will feel like a natural progression.

Things To Remember

A few key things to keep in mind when coming to terms with professional caring are:

  • It is not possible for a facility to care for you parent exactly as you would
  • Plan ahead and write your parent’s story so the carers will know who your parent is
  • Broach the hard to discuss topics with your parent and give them not only the best care they would like but the best send-off they could have, i.e. one where they have input.

It Could Be An Extremely Meaningful Experience

Taking the time to sit down and talk with your parents could be the greatest gift you ever receive from them.

The things they can tell you over a conversation like that, are things you probably won’t forget. Wisdom that you’ll pass on to others.

So don’t be afraid. Start now. Well before a crisis occurs if possible.

If they are in care now, this will help to make your visits so much easier.

Remember, when a person goes into care, their world becomes very small.

All they have to talk about is what happens in the care facility and what their life was like before.

What better way to reconnect with your parent than to write down their history… to get them to talk about themselves?

Not only will you find out a lot you didn’t know, it will also make your time together more enjoyable and help you understand your parent, and yourself, much better.

For other tips on dealing with parents in care, be sure to download our Free Challenging Behaviors Guide.