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Parents Moving In

What To Do If You Need To Take A Break From Caring

by Leigh Kelly

What To Do If You Need To Take A Break From Caring

As I have said in many blogs before, recognizing when you need a break is a hard thing to do.

Caring burnout is an insidious condition.

Something you just keep doing day in and day out, with little thought or consideration for yourself… until it all comes crashing down on you.

That’s why there’s a real benefit in forward planning. It can save you a lot of time and distress.

When To Start Planning A Break

First of all, while you are still able to care for your parent or loved one without any problems, this is the time you should be planning ahead and going to look at the alternatives that are around.

If you postpone this decision to the point when you are in immediate need of a break, it will only be harder on everyone involved.

So whenever you are able to recognize that you’re going to have to be caring for a close family member, this is the time to plan what you will do if you become too exhausted.

Transparency Is Key

It is also best to make sure you are honest with your loved one as well. Discussing things with them openly is essential.

This may seem obvious, but this is one of the biggest mistakes families make…

Keeping it all under wraps. Not talking in front of them for fear of how they will react.

But they have a right to be included in the discussions. They have a right to be part of the solution. They have the right to choose, especially while they are still able to contribute.

You know, fear of the unknown is far worse than facing the fear head on because it usually is nowhere near as bad as either you or they anticipated.  

Finding The Right Care Facility

So you’re taking a break. Once everyone is clear on the fact that you’re going to involve outside help in the caring process, it is time to find an appropriate caring facility.

Here’s my advice…

On a nice sunny day when you are both feeling mellow, make a decision to go and visit some residential care facilities or day programs.

In each place you visit, get the opinion of the person who may have to use the program or live in the facility.

Also, find out from the facility what they do or have available that your loved one is interested in.

How Do You Know If It’s Right?

Spend some time at these places to see how they really operate and what’s available.

Don’t just go once… maybe even go at different times of the day to see what is going on.

Once you have narrowed it down to the right place, see if your loved one can spend an hour or so there.

You may have to pay by the hour or half day or they may just be happy for you try it… but this is an important step to seeing if it’s right for your family.

How To Stay Involved In The Process

Once you’ve found the right caring facility and take your much deserved break, it’s important to stay involved in the process of caring. Even if it’s not at the same intensity as before.

You can do this by asking the caring facility when they have some programmed activities that would be good for you to attend.

Some facilities have things like mid-winter dinner, concerts, dances or regular church services. You may be more than welcome to attend them.

I’ve even seen facilities with a Men’s Shed and mending circles.

Your Visits Can Go Even Further

Of course, you can always just go visit your relatives and even other people (like their new friends) and spend some quality time talking to them.

Sadly, as you may eventually find out, there are people with families in another state or country and they have no one to visit them.

Even when you’re still deciding between caring facilities, visiting these people can be both a good way for you to know more about the place and a blessing for them.

In that vein, you can also volunteer and help with any number of things within the facility.

In my experience, extra hands are always appreciated.

It’s All About Having A Plan

As you can see, finding somewhere that both you and your loved one are comfortable with is an essential part of caring.

Even if you don’t necessarily reach the point where you need to take a break, setting up a good relationship with a potential residential care facility or a day program, makes it easier for both of you, if and when the time comes.

Also, as I always stress, it’s another thing you can do together. Make it an activity to be enjoyed and not a chore to be avoided.

Lastly, if you have reached the point where you need to take a break from caring but haven’t done any of this beforehand, just hang in there.

Hopefully you can take some of the above measures along with your loved one.

It’s never too late to do things right!

Making plans like these can sometimes be hard when your loved ones don’t have best attitude. For some tips on dealing with this and other challenging behaviors, be sure to get our Free Challenging Behaviors Guide.

Why You May Need The Help Of A Professional Caregiver

by Leigh Kelly

Help Of A Professional Caregiver


“I’m tired! I’m scratchy! I think I am going mad!”

Have you ever said this to yourself while caring for someone? If you ever start to feel like this, it may be sign that you need to take some time out.

You see, looking after someone can be all consuming. Very few people actually master it and keep calm throughout the whole experience.

Being “tired and scratchy” or being curt with your loved one is not a sign that you don’t care anymore… It’s a sign that your rubber band has been stretched to its limit.

For your benefit and that of your loved one, you need to act before you reach this stage.

Becoming Irritable?

Although it may feel like it at times, it’s important to remember that you are not going mad.

The thing about being a sole carer is that stress builds up very slowly. You may not realize you’re becoming over stretched until you become unwell yourself and by then you find it difficult to recover.

You may be a person who doesn’t get sick and suddenly you find you are getting headaches, colds, insomnia – which are all just physical signs of stress.

Even people who are naturally very calm may find themselves becoming anxious, shouting at their loved one or other people for no reason, or even crying a lot.

So if these are all signs that your body needs a break… what do you do in order to avoid this?

Coping With Stress

The trick to avoiding a burnout from all the stress that comes with caring for a loved one is to plan ahead and have external help available at your ready request.

Each time I help a person that is just starting out with caring for a family member, I want them understand that it may be inevitable for them to reach a point where it’s just too much for them to handle by themselves.

In order to reduce the risk of that happening, and then preventing the stress signs mentioned above, it’s important to go into this journey with this knowledge.

That means taking the appropriate measures to have someone ready to get involved in the process when you and your loved one need it.

Having a hard time dealing with changes in personality?

Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on, maintain your relationship and de-stress each day.

Preparing To Let Someone Else In

I know it’s hard to let someone else take care of your loved one. After all, perhaps no one could do the job as well as you.

You know their likes and dislikes, their little idiosyncrasies that have evolved over the years…

It’s been almost a lifetime of knowing them and living with them…

But everyday life is one thing and suddenly becoming the sole carer for this person is another.  

No matter how much you love them, this new role is a very challenging one.  

The person may change and a new personality evolves that you cannot cope with.

In spite of a lifetime knowing them, you probably never had to be with this person 24/7… not for a long time at least.

There was always time when you had space from each other but suddenly that changes when you become a caregiver.

Finding The Right Person

Maybe your home support worker doesn’t do things they way you want them to. But as with everything, you have to compromise on some things in order to get the benefit of others.

Also, if you pay attention to the many ways that you would do things differently, this can stretch you even more beyond your limits until you crumble.

Don’t let this happen to you. Finding someone to help you is also about finding an outlet for yourself.

And when someone else is taking care of your loved one, try not to obsess over asking yourself “Are they okay?” over and over again.

Balancing out your own life while also being there for a person in care is also about letting go of the guilt from not being able to manage things for them 24/7. That guilt really won’t get you anywhere.

Quality Time, Not Quantity

Once you find a person to help you care for your loved one, be grateful for that. You will find that having someone around to help out really helps everyone.

You can then let go every once in awhile and focus on how much quality time you can give them, not quantity.

You are better off having even one hour a day where you can enjoy each other, rather than 24 hours where resentment builds up and you either explode emotionally or become unwell physically.  

Know your limits and take care of you. An hour a day is better than no quality time at all.

How to manage emotions while caring for someone, as well as other ways of dealing with aging parents, is covered in our free Challenging Behaviors Guide.

 

5 Actions That Can Turn Your Caregiving Into A Positive Experience

by Leigh Kelly

Actions For Better Caring

Being the sole caregiver for someone can be a hard and lonely job. Perhaps it feels like something you never signed up for, but still have to do.

This can be accompanied by feelings of guilt… but I’m here to tell you, that sort of thinking is more normal than you think.

Whether it’s a parent, a spouse or a partner, taking on this role will always have its ups and downs. So in this article, we’ll cover some lines of action that you can take in order to maximize the ups, and minimize the downs.

How Did You End Up Here?

Whether you have opted to take over this role by choice or it has been forced upon you, the hard times will only get harder if you do not look after yourself.

Please don’t think this is selfish. It’s not.  

It is something that will enable you to continue what you are doing for longer. So how are you going to do this?

1. Be Clear From The Beginning

Don’t feel duty bound to fulfill the wishes of someone who has said “Please don’t ever put me in care dear…”

It is easy to say “Of course I won’t” when they are fit and able, or in the early stages of a disease or the aging process.

At that point you will have no idea what you are committing yourself too, so you have to be honest.

Instead of making a promise you can’t keep, say something like:

“I will do my best for as long as I can… but please do not be angry with me if I feel I can’t do the job and I have to seek help. I would rather preserve my relationship and love for you rather than grow to resent you.”

2. Make Sure You Take Of Yourself As Well

I’ve said it many times, but it’s so easy to forget in practice that it’s always worth repeating: Don’t let yourself get so tired that you become grumpy.

This will very likely make you say and/or do things that could play on your guilt even more.

Everyone says things they don’t mean, especially if you are tired due to a lack of sleep.

For each hour of sleep you lose, it is cumulative, and it takes time to make it up.  

So if you are used to getting 7 hours sleep a night, and since caring for your loved one, you end up only 4 hours’ sleep, little of which is quality sleep, you are losing 3 hours sleep a night.

That is 21 hours over week you may have lost. On top of this, your coping skills will be reduced and you are likely to get edgy and irritable.

Remember, it is not selfish to think of yourself. You are merely making sure you are in the best possible shape to fulfill your role as a caregiver properly.

Is caring for your loved one causing you stress?

Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on plus maintain your relationship and de-stress each day.

3. Have A Plan B

Before you embark on this journey, develop an Advanced Care Plan.

This is where you have a conversation with your loved one that covers all eventualities that may occur.

Include in this the “what if I can’t take care of you or something happens to me?”

This may include you going to visit residential facilities to have a look at what is available so they are involved in the process. That way they can choose where they would like to live in such circumstances.

You know when you go to visit them that this is not going to happen now – it is only a Plan B.

It could be somewhere for them to go for Day Visits or to give you a break every once in awhile so you can charge your batteries in order to carry on with the job of caring.

Being proactive will save everyone a lot of headaches – even if you never have put Plan B into action.

4. Take A Time-Out Every Once In Awhile

Make arrangements so that you can take some time out for yourself at least once a week.

You can request for someone to come and stay with the person so you can get out and just do things for you.

It doesn’t have to be only necessary errands like grocery shopping or going to the bank… you can also use that break to get a massage or go for a walk in the park.

You could go and have a coffee with a friend, do some shopping, take a book somewhere quiet or simply catch up on your sleep and recharge your batteries.

Whatever it is you do, remember it’s right for you. You don’t have to feel guilty either.  This is you preserving your sanity – and your loved one’s as well.

5. Watch Your Diet

When you are tired, it makes it really hard to think of some of the simple things like meal planning and cooking.

It may be easier to just pick up the phone and order anything instead of cooking. While there is nothing wrong with doing this occasionally, on a regular basis it does not help you or your loved one.

Most takeout meals are high in salt, carbohydrates and fat. They may help you to feel full, but they do not nourish you.

Not all takeout is bad though… You can plan ahead and order some nutritionally sound food from a company that provides food prepared specially for those who cannot cook for themselves.

Order a supply and keep it in the fridge or freezer for later consumption. This way you will get a meal that is nutritionally balanced that will help to sustain both you and your loved one.

Proactivity Leads To A Win-Win

As you can hopefully see now, there are many things that you can do to help you maintain your role while not neglecting yourself.

While it’s true that you’ll have to give up some things to continue caring for your loved one, some forward planning at the early stages of the process will benefit the both of you.

By being clear to them from the beginning, involving them in creating a plan B, making time for yourself and watching both your diets… caregiving can be a nurturing and bond-strengthening experience.

For other tips on being a better Caregiver, be sure to check out our free Challenging Behaviors Guide. It will help you deal with bad attitudes when trying to implement any of the actions we just discussed.

Use It Or Lose It: Why It’s Essential For Aging People To Keep Moving

by Leigh Kelly

Use It Or Lose It: Why It’s Essential For Aging People To Keep Moving

One of the biggest difficulties when being the principal caregiver for someone is to keep the person moving or as physically active as possible.

Otherwise, their muscles might begin to dwindle and stiffen, making it harder every time to move around and even making them more prone to injury.

However, as you may imagine, difficulties arise when a person refuses to walk or is in pain from even the slightest of movements.

But the reality is that even if you don’t want to force them to do anything, thinking that to be a loving carer you want to always keep them comfortable and pleased…

You are not serving them (or yourself) if you allow them to become increasingly immobile.

The adage of “use it or lose it” definitely applies here.

What Happens When Aging People Stop Moving

Growing old or coping with a disability is not for the faint hearted.

With loss of muscle mass (which can start from the age of 30 for some people) exercising becomes vitally important to help preserve one’s strength and vitality.

In other words, without the necessary blood flow and work that exercise provides the muscular system with, the negative effects of sedentarism are imminent.

You Don’t Want This To Happen

Without frequent exercise, the ligaments that connect bone to bone and keep the joints stable become less elastic and more prone to damage.

Then you have your tendons, which connect muscle to muscle.

Lacking exercise, they tend to lose their water content and become stiff.

So not only does it become more difficult to move around, but injuries are more likely to occur (and be more difficult to recover from) when a person does not move.

It doesn’t even stop with the muscles… The cartilage that cushions the joints also becomes drier with sedentarism.

In turn, this can lead to many arthritic conditions.

Bones, on their part, become more porous through loss of calcium and thus are rendered more vulnerable to fractures.

It’s Not Only Aging People

Although these things get more common with age, it is worth mentioning that young people are not exempt from the negative sides of inactivity.

Remember, “use it or lose it”.

So, same as with older people, the aging process can never be stopped or reversed. It can only be slowed down by staying active. 

Slowed down how much exactly? This is the good news.

The more you exercise, and from the earlier the age, the more these effects of aging can be delayed.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress?

Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship plus de-stress each day.

Keeping Active

Of course, the idea of maintaining an active lifestyle will vary according to the individual.

If the person you care for is disabled through disease, sickness or frailty… you cannot expect them to get up, go for a run around the block and do some push-ups.

But you can at least help them by getting them to stand up and take a few steps or even get up and sit down repeatedly.

A Few Movement Ideas

Any activity is better than no activity.

You must preserve their mobility (and your back) by getting them to stand for longer periods of time and at least taking a few steps around the house.

You can liven up your day, and theirs, by doing chair exercises to music.

Dancing is also a great activity for aging people, as it involves both body and mind.

Getting the arms and legs moving is a great way to lift their spirits, as well as yours.

Make it a fun activity that you both can enjoy.

It goes without saying, but laughter and fun can do wonders for a person in care.

Everyone Benefits From A Little Movement

Always remember, you are not serving the person in your care by allowing them to sit for long periods of time.

You will be exposing them to the risk of pressure injuries as well as loss of mobility.

And of course, all of these things contribute to making their life harder and your job more difficult.

Don’t forget yourself either. You need to get out and go for a walk as well.

Taking some time out can refresh not only your body, but also your mind.

And if you can do that with the person you’re caring for, even better.

Caring for someone doesn’t have to feel like a lonely existence. 

So every time your loved one says “don’t move me dear” or “just leave me to sit” or “it hurts too much” remember:

“Use it or lose it”.

You are doing it for yourself as much as them, and in the long run, they will thank you.

If you’re having trouble convincing your aging relative to move, be sure to check out our free Challenging Behaviors Guide. It will help you discover how to deal with this and other difficult attitudes without stressing too much.

How To Care For Your Aging Parents (Without Going Insane)

by Leigh Kelly

Letting your elder parent in on the plans for his caring can avoid future stress for both of you.

You love your parent to the end… They have been there for you forever and now it’s time for you to give back to them.

Absolutely commendable. I admire and support you for your decision as so many people abdicate this responsibility very early on in the process.

However, be prepared for it not to be the nice loving journey that you may have anticipated.

For some people it’s a wonderful and fulfilling journey, but for others… it will challenge them to the hilt.

Facing The New Challenge

We talk about “Challenging Behaviors” but believe me, the person who is likely to be challenged is you!

Why? Because in the first place you probably haven’t had to spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with your parent for a very long time.

You have built a life for yourself doing the things that you want to do.

But now you find you are severely restricted by the disabling behavior and abilities of your parent.

It is very difficult to get away from a person who is becoming frailer either physically or mentally.

You may even find yourself becoming socially isolated. Your friends don’t visit as much or call you to go out for a coffee or dinner.

Perhaps you never thought this would be an issue for you. But once the harsh reality of 24/7 care of someone sets in… it will test your emotions.

Things That May Happen

You may find yourself occasionally losing your temper with your parents. This will probably make you feel guilty for your behavior… but remember you are only human.

Did your parents never shout at you when you were little? Well, it won’t be all beer and skittles now that the boot is on the other foot! It’s normal to feel frustrated with them from time to time.

Caring for someone is also very tiring. Weeks may go without you getting a full-night’s sleep or it may just be that their constant demands are simply too much for you.

You could become both physically and emotionally tired or just drained so that eventually you feel like your tank is empty. But what is there to do when there’s not much left to give?

Caring for aging parents?

Download our FREE Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover…

  • Practical tools for identifying the root cause of the challenging behavior
  • How to healthily manage your emotions when dealing with sudden changes in behavior
  • Questions to help you uncover why the new behavior is affecting you personally
  • and more…

Actions You Can Take

First of all, it’s important to acknowledge that all these emotions are normal. Especially if you haven’t been taking good care of yourself and maintaining a social life.

You need to know that you are not neglecting your parent if you put them into care so that you can take a brief holiday.

You are doing them a favor, as it will enable you to keep better care of them for longer.

Make time to go out for coffee with your friends. Find a day program or arrange for a friend of theirs to come in and stay with them while you get some time for yourself.

Remember, you are not being selfish – you are preserving your sanity.

Don’t give up on all the things you like to do just to give all your time to your parent. That is committing yourself to a life of resentment and anger, especially if their caring goes on for a number of years.

Deciding When To Seek Additional Care

When you are finally at the end of your tether and you feel like you cannot go on any longer without relief, it’s time to seek help.

Even if it means succumbing to what you said you would never do… finding a nice place for you parent where they can be with other people can start to take up the threads of both your lives again.

I know this is a hard decision to make but what good are you to your parent if you are always tired and worn out?

Maybe none whatsoever. If caring for your parent is starting to make you grouchy, it will also exacerbate the behavior of your parent as they get older… and that won’t be good for either of you.

Other Tips For Preserving Your Sanity While Caring For Your Parent

  • Don’t commit to caring as a permanent arrangement. Say you will commit to it for a specific period of time.
  • Maintain some of your own social outlets for time outs and do not feel guilty about it.
  • Recognize when you are tired and need a break. Better still, plan ahead to take regular breaks and arrange for other family members to take over your role. You can also have a friend or a hired caregiver come in to relieve you.
  • Be proactive, not reactive. Go visit potential places for your parent to go either long term or for short breaks. Let them know that you are taking care of them for now but you want them to help with finding a Plan B – somewhere where they will be happy if you cannot do it for any given reason.
  • Be honest with your parent from the outset. Include them in the discussions early so they can have some power over what is going to happen to them.
  • Accept the situation with an open mind.

The people who settle best into roles, be it as a caregiver or as an ailing parent, are those who are pragmatic about the situation and always have a Plan B. Those who always think “what if?”

These are some ideas that can help you to preserve your sanity and maintain a healthy and loving relationship with your parent. Hope they work for you!

Trying to care for an aging parent without going insane? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can take care of your loved ones while maintaining a healthy relationship.

5 Reasons You Need Training To Care For Your Loved One

by Leigh Kelly

5 Reasons You Need Training To Care For Your Loved One
If You’re Caring For Someone You’ve Known For A Long Time, Do You Actually Need Training?

You are now (or soon will be) faced with the fact you have to be the major caregiver for your elderly parent. Or it may even be your spouse…

But why do you need to have some training in this field?

You know them really well and what their needs are don’t you?

You don’t need someone else to tell you what to do or how to care for your loved one.

Unless… there may actually be a reason to have training to take care of aging loved ones.

Take a look at these 5 reasons and think about how they affect your ability to care for your loved ones.

1. Your Emotions Get The Best Of You

Everything I said above is very true… and important.

A professional caregiver cannot tell you the preferences of your loved one. You have known them for so long and, yes, you do know their quirks and idiosyncrasies.

However, when it comes to providing care, all your emotions will come to the fore and you could inadvertently cause them some harm.

Not through lack of love but from lack of knowledge.

2. You Are Not Neutral Towards That Person

You see, you will be challenged by the need to give good care with the desire to give the person what he or she wants.

So here lies the problem!

Your emotional attachment to the person may actually prevent you from meeting the best needs of your loved one.

Why?

3. You Want To Avoid Causing Pain To Your Loved One

Your need to provide comfort and avoid causing pain may, in the long run actually cause them more pain.

Let me explain…

Say for example, your loved one cries when you move them. They may even say, “Stop, don’t do that! This is hurting me.”

But leaving them in one position may actually cause a pressure injury… which will cause more pain to heal than if you turned them from side to side.

It’s important to be able to hear when a loved one is in pain…

But also be able to work with them through the small pain to avoid major problems later.

4. You Find It Hard To Go Against Their Wishes

Another thing that you may encounter is that a person may not want to eat.

Not wanting to force them to eat, you bend to their wishes.

But how are you going to provide them with nourishment that may help them to heal?

If you don’t know what is around that will give them the nourishment they need without expecting them to eat the food you have lovingly prepared for them…

Then they will become undernourished or even malnourished, which is worse.

5. Behavioral Changes Are Hard To Cope With

You may also have to cope with changes in behavior of the person you love.

They could change from the person you know to some other person you have never seen before.

These behaviors will challenge you beyond belief.

The normal compliant and loving person, may become an aggressive animal that will challenge your emotions.

It could even lead you to placing a person in care, long before they need to…

Simply because you did not know how to handle the problems and changes in behavior that person may be experiencing.

Seeking Assistance Or Seeking Training?

It makes good sense to learn some of the know-how of the trade because there are many tricks that will help you.

But these tricks are not always easy to find.

Even if you’re employing a professional caregiver to help you, they will probably come in, do the care for you and then leave.

This may be wonderful for an hour or two… but you have another 22 hours of the day to deal with.

Therefore, getting the skills and learning how to manage your emotions is key to being able to last the distance in the role of caregiving. And this is likely to be a marathon, not a sprint.

Knowing what you are doing is one of the battle skills that will make it easier for you to cope with the added responsibility.

Have a loved one that’s causing you stress? Click here to learn 6 powerful strategies for dealing with Challenging Behaviors in aging relatives.

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