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Why You May Need The Help Of A Professional Caregiver

by Leigh Kelly

Help Of A Professional Caregiver


“I’m tired! I’m scratchy! I think I am going mad!”

Have you ever said this to yourself while caring for someone? If you ever start to feel like this, it may be sign that you need to take some time out.

You see, looking after someone can be all consuming. Very few people actually master it and keep calm throughout the whole experience.

Being “tired and scratchy” or being curt with your loved one is not a sign that you don’t care anymore… It’s a sign that your rubber band has been stretched to its limit.

For your benefit and that of your loved one, you need to act before you reach this stage.

Becoming Irritable?

Although it may feel like it at times, it’s important to remember that you are not going mad.

The thing about being a sole carer is that stress builds up very slowly. You may not realize you’re becoming over stretched until you become unwell yourself and by then you find it difficult to recover.

You may be a person who doesn’t get sick and suddenly you find you are getting headaches, colds, insomnia – which are all just physical signs of stress.

Even people who are naturally very calm may find themselves becoming anxious, shouting at their loved one or other people for no reason, or even crying a lot.

So if these are all signs that your body needs a break… what do you do in order to avoid this?

Coping With Stress

The trick to avoiding a burnout from all the stress that comes with caring for a loved one is to plan ahead and have external help available at your ready request.

Each time I help a person that is just starting out with caring for a family member, I want them understand that it may be inevitable for them to reach a point where it’s just too much for them to handle by themselves.

In order to reduce the risk of that happening, and then preventing the stress signs mentioned above, it’s important to go into this journey with this knowledge.

That means taking the appropriate measures to have someone ready to get involved in the process when you and your loved one need it.

Having a hard time dealing with changes in personality?

Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on, maintain your relationship and de-stress each day.

Preparing To Let Someone Else In

I know it’s hard to let someone else take care of your loved one. After all, perhaps no one could do the job as well as you.

You know their likes and dislikes, their little idiosyncrasies that have evolved over the years…

It’s been almost a lifetime of knowing them and living with them…

But everyday life is one thing and suddenly becoming the sole carer for this person is another.  

No matter how much you love them, this new role is a very challenging one.  

The person may change and a new personality evolves that you cannot cope with.

In spite of a lifetime knowing them, you probably never had to be with this person 24/7… not for a long time at least.

There was always time when you had space from each other but suddenly that changes when you become a caregiver.

Finding The Right Person

Maybe your home support worker doesn’t do things they way you want them to. But as with everything, you have to compromise on some things in order to get the benefit of others.

Also, if you pay attention to the many ways that you would do things differently, this can stretch you even more beyond your limits until you crumble.

Don’t let this happen to you. Finding someone to help you is also about finding an outlet for yourself.

And when someone else is taking care of your loved one, try not to obsess over asking yourself “Are they okay?” over and over again.

Balancing out your own life while also being there for a person in care is also about letting go of the guilt from not being able to manage things for them 24/7. That guilt really won’t get you anywhere.

Quality Time, Not Quantity

Once you find a person to help you care for your loved one, be grateful for that. You will find that having someone around to help out really helps everyone.

You can then let go every once in awhile and focus on how much quality time you can give them, not quantity.

You are better off having even one hour a day where you can enjoy each other, rather than 24 hours where resentment builds up and you either explode emotionally or become unwell physically.  

Know your limits and take care of you. An hour a day is better than no quality time at all.

How to manage emotions while caring for someone, as well as other ways of dealing with aging parents, is covered in our free Challenging Behaviors Guide.

 

Filed Under: Parents Moving In

5 Actions That Can Turn Your Caregiving Into A Positive Experience

by Leigh Kelly

Actions For Better Caring

Being the sole caregiver for someone can be a hard and lonely job. Perhaps it feels like something you never signed up for, but still have to do.

This can be accompanied by feelings of guilt… but I’m here to tell you, that sort of thinking is more normal than you think.

Whether it’s a parent, a spouse or a partner, taking on this role will always have its ups and downs. So in this article, we’ll cover some lines of action that you can take in order to maximize the ups, and minimize the downs.

How Did You End Up Here?

Whether you have opted to take over this role by choice or it has been forced upon you, the hard times will only get harder if you do not look after yourself.

Please don’t think this is selfish. It’s not.  

It is something that will enable you to continue what you are doing for longer. So how are you going to do this?

1. Be Clear From The Beginning

Don’t feel duty bound to fulfill the wishes of someone who has said “Please don’t ever put me in care dear…”

It is easy to say “Of course I won’t” when they are fit and able, or in the early stages of a disease or the aging process.

At that point you will have no idea what you are committing yourself too, so you have to be honest.

Instead of making a promise you can’t keep, say something like:

“I will do my best for as long as I can… but please do not be angry with me if I feel I can’t do the job and I have to seek help. I would rather preserve my relationship and love for you rather than grow to resent you.”

2. Make Sure You Take Of Yourself As Well

I’ve said it many times, but it’s so easy to forget in practice that it’s always worth repeating: Don’t let yourself get so tired that you become grumpy.

This will very likely make you say and/or do things that could play on your guilt even more.

Everyone says things they don’t mean, especially if you are tired due to a lack of sleep.

For each hour of sleep you lose, it is cumulative, and it takes time to make it up.  

So if you are used to getting 7 hours sleep a night, and since caring for your loved one, you end up only 4 hours’ sleep, little of which is quality sleep, you are losing 3 hours sleep a night.

That is 21 hours over week you may have lost. On top of this, your coping skills will be reduced and you are likely to get edgy and irritable.

Remember, it is not selfish to think of yourself. You are merely making sure you are in the best possible shape to fulfill your role as a caregiver properly.

Is caring for your loved one causing you stress?

Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on plus maintain your relationship and de-stress each day.

3. Have A Plan B

Before you embark on this journey, develop an Advanced Care Plan.

This is where you have a conversation with your loved one that covers all eventualities that may occur.

Include in this the “what if I can’t take care of you or something happens to me?”

This may include you going to visit residential facilities to have a look at what is available so they are involved in the process. That way they can choose where they would like to live in such circumstances.

You know when you go to visit them that this is not going to happen now – it is only a Plan B.

It could be somewhere for them to go for Day Visits or to give you a break every once in awhile so you can charge your batteries in order to carry on with the job of caring.

Being proactive will save everyone a lot of headaches – even if you never have put Plan B into action.

4. Take A Time-Out Every Once In Awhile

Make arrangements so that you can take some time out for yourself at least once a week.

You can request for someone to come and stay with the person so you can get out and just do things for you.

It doesn’t have to be only necessary errands like grocery shopping or going to the bank… you can also use that break to get a massage or go for a walk in the park.

You could go and have a coffee with a friend, do some shopping, take a book somewhere quiet or simply catch up on your sleep and recharge your batteries.

Whatever it is you do, remember it’s right for you. You don’t have to feel guilty either.  This is you preserving your sanity – and your loved one’s as well.

5. Watch Your Diet

When you are tired, it makes it really hard to think of some of the simple things like meal planning and cooking.

It may be easier to just pick up the phone and order anything instead of cooking. While there is nothing wrong with doing this occasionally, on a regular basis it does not help you or your loved one.

Most takeout meals are high in salt, carbohydrates and fat. They may help you to feel full, but they do not nourish you.

Not all takeout is bad though… You can plan ahead and order some nutritionally sound food from a company that provides food prepared specially for those who cannot cook for themselves.

Order a supply and keep it in the fridge or freezer for later consumption. This way you will get a meal that is nutritionally balanced that will help to sustain both you and your loved one.

Proactivity Leads To A Win-Win

As you can hopefully see now, there are many things that you can do to help you maintain your role while not neglecting yourself.

While it’s true that you’ll have to give up some things to continue caring for your loved one, some forward planning at the early stages of the process will benefit the both of you.

By being clear to them from the beginning, involving them in creating a plan B, making time for yourself and watching both your diets… caregiving can be a nurturing and bond-strengthening experience.

For other tips on being a better Caregiver, be sure to check out our free Challenging Behaviors Guide. It will help you deal with bad attitudes when trying to implement any of the actions we just discussed.

Filed Under: Parents Moving In Tagged With: parents moving in

Use It Or Lose It: Why It’s Essential For Aging People To Keep Moving

by Leigh Kelly

Use It Or Lose It: Why It’s Essential For Aging People To Keep Moving

One of the biggest difficulties when being the principal caregiver for someone is to keep the person moving or as physically active as possible.

Otherwise, their muscles might begin to dwindle and stiffen, making it harder every time to move around and even making them more prone to injury.

However, as you may imagine, difficulties arise when a person refuses to walk or is in pain from even the slightest of movements.

But the reality is that even if you don’t want to force them to do anything, thinking that to be a loving carer you want to always keep them comfortable and pleased…

You are not serving them (or yourself) if you allow them to become increasingly immobile.

The adage of “use it or lose it” definitely applies here.

What Happens When Aging People Stop Moving

Growing old or coping with a disability is not for the faint hearted.

With loss of muscle mass (which can start from the age of 30 for some people) exercising becomes vitally important to help preserve one’s strength and vitality.

In other words, without the necessary blood flow and work that exercise provides the muscular system with, the negative effects of sedentarism are imminent.

You Don’t Want This To Happen

Without frequent exercise, the ligaments that connect bone to bone and keep the joints stable become less elastic and more prone to damage.

Then you have your tendons, which connect muscle to muscle.

Lacking exercise, they tend to lose their water content and become stiff.

So not only does it become more difficult to move around, but injuries are more likely to occur (and be more difficult to recover from) when a person does not move.

It doesn’t even stop with the muscles… The cartilage that cushions the joints also becomes drier with sedentarism.

In turn, this can lead to many arthritic conditions.

Bones, on their part, become more porous through loss of calcium and thus are rendered more vulnerable to fractures.

It’s Not Only Aging People

Although these things get more common with age, it is worth mentioning that young people are not exempt from the negative sides of inactivity.

Remember, “use it or lose it”.

So, same as with older people, the aging process can never be stopped or reversed. It can only be slowed down by staying active. 

Slowed down how much exactly? This is the good news.

The more you exercise, and from the earlier the age, the more these effects of aging can be delayed.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress?

Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship plus de-stress each day.

Keeping Active

Of course, the idea of maintaining an active lifestyle will vary according to the individual.

If the person you care for is disabled through disease, sickness or frailty… you cannot expect them to get up, go for a run around the block and do some push-ups.

But you can at least help them by getting them to stand up and take a few steps or even get up and sit down repeatedly.

A Few Movement Ideas

Any activity is better than no activity.

You must preserve their mobility (and your back) by getting them to stand for longer periods of time and at least taking a few steps around the house.

You can liven up your day, and theirs, by doing chair exercises to music.

Dancing is also a great activity for aging people, as it involves both body and mind.

Getting the arms and legs moving is a great way to lift their spirits, as well as yours.

Make it a fun activity that you both can enjoy.

It goes without saying, but laughter and fun can do wonders for a person in care.

Everyone Benefits From A Little Movement

Always remember, you are not serving the person in your care by allowing them to sit for long periods of time.

You will be exposing them to the risk of pressure injuries as well as loss of mobility.

And of course, all of these things contribute to making their life harder and your job more difficult.

Don’t forget yourself either. You need to get out and go for a walk as well.

Taking some time out can refresh not only your body, but also your mind.

And if you can do that with the person you’re caring for, even better.

Caring for someone doesn’t have to feel like a lonely existence. 

So every time your loved one says “don’t move me dear” or “just leave me to sit” or “it hurts too much” remember:

“Use it or lose it”.

You are doing it for yourself as much as them, and in the long run, they will thank you.

If you’re having trouble convincing your aging relative to move, be sure to check out our free Challenging Behaviors Guide. It will help you discover how to deal with this and other difficult attitudes without stressing too much.

Filed Under: Parents Moving In Tagged With: parents moving in

How To Care For Your Aging Parents (Without Going Insane)

by Leigh Kelly

Letting your elder parent in on the plans for his caring can avoid future stress for both of you.

You love your parent to the end… They have been there for you forever and now it’s time for you to give back to them.

Absolutely commendable. I admire and support you for your decision as so many people abdicate this responsibility very early on in the process.

However, be prepared for it not to be the nice loving journey that you may have anticipated.

For some people it’s a wonderful and fulfilling journey, but for others… it will challenge them to the hilt.

Facing The New Challenge

We talk about “Challenging Behaviors” but believe me, the person who is likely to be challenged is you!

Why? Because in the first place you probably haven’t had to spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with your parent for a very long time.

You have built a life for yourself doing the things that you want to do.

But now you find you are severely restricted by the disabling behavior and abilities of your parent.

It is very difficult to get away from a person who is becoming frailer either physically or mentally.

You may even find yourself becoming socially isolated. Your friends don’t visit as much or call you to go out for a coffee or dinner.

Perhaps you never thought this would be an issue for you. But once the harsh reality of 24/7 care of someone sets in… it will test your emotions.

Things That May Happen

You may find yourself occasionally losing your temper with your parents. This will probably make you feel guilty for your behavior… but remember you are only human.

Did your parents never shout at you when you were little? Well, it won’t be all beer and skittles now that the boot is on the other foot! It’s normal to feel frustrated with them from time to time.

Caring for someone is also very tiring. Weeks may go without you getting a full-night’s sleep or it may just be that their constant demands are simply too much for you.

You could become both physically and emotionally tired or just drained so that eventually you feel like your tank is empty. But what is there to do when there’s not much left to give?

Caring for aging parents?

Download our FREE Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover…

  • Practical tools for identifying the root cause of the challenging behavior
  • How to healthily manage your emotions when dealing with sudden changes in behavior
  • Questions to help you uncover why the new behavior is affecting you personally
  • and more…

Actions You Can Take

First of all, it’s important to acknowledge that all these emotions are normal. Especially if you haven’t been taking good care of yourself and maintaining a social life.

You need to know that you are not neglecting your parent if you put them into care so that you can take a brief holiday.

You are doing them a favor, as it will enable you to keep better care of them for longer.

Make time to go out for coffee with your friends. Find a day program or arrange for a friend of theirs to come in and stay with them while you get some time for yourself.

Remember, you are not being selfish – you are preserving your sanity.

Don’t give up on all the things you like to do just to give all your time to your parent. That is committing yourself to a life of resentment and anger, especially if their caring goes on for a number of years.

Deciding When To Seek Additional Care

When you are finally at the end of your tether and you feel like you cannot go on any longer without relief, it’s time to seek help.

Even if it means succumbing to what you said you would never do… finding a nice place for you parent where they can be with other people can start to take up the threads of both your lives again.

I know this is a hard decision to make but what good are you to your parent if you are always tired and worn out?

Maybe none whatsoever. If caring for your parent is starting to make you grouchy, it will also exacerbate the behavior of your parent as they get older… and that won’t be good for either of you.

Other Tips For Preserving Your Sanity While Caring For Your Parent

  • Don’t commit to caring as a permanent arrangement. Say you will commit to it for a specific period of time.
  • Maintain some of your own social outlets for time outs and do not feel guilty about it.
  • Recognize when you are tired and need a break. Better still, plan ahead to take regular breaks and arrange for other family members to take over your role. You can also have a friend or a hired caregiver come in to relieve you.
  • Be proactive, not reactive. Go visit potential places for your parent to go either long term or for short breaks. Let them know that you are taking care of them for now but you want them to help with finding a Plan B – somewhere where they will be happy if you cannot do it for any given reason.
  • Be honest with your parent from the outset. Include them in the discussions early so they can have some power over what is going to happen to them.
  • Accept the situation with an open mind.

The people who settle best into roles, be it as a caregiver or as an ailing parent, are those who are pragmatic about the situation and always have a Plan B. Those who always think “what if?”

These are some ideas that can help you to preserve your sanity and maintain a healthy and loving relationship with your parent. Hope they work for you!

Trying to care for an aging parent without going insane? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can take care of your loved ones while maintaining a healthy relationship.

Filed Under: Parents Moving In

5 Reasons You Need Training To Care For Your Loved One

by Leigh Kelly

5 Reasons You Need Training To Care For Your Loved One
If You’re Caring For Someone You’ve Known For A Long Time, Do You Actually Need Training?

You are now (or soon will be) faced with the fact you have to be the major caregiver for your elderly parent. Or it may even be your spouse…

But why do you need to have some training in this field?

You know them really well and what their needs are don’t you?

You don’t need someone else to tell you what to do or how to care for your loved one.

Unless… there may actually be a reason to have training to take care of aging loved ones.

Take a look at these 5 reasons and think about how they affect your ability to care for your loved ones.

1. Your Emotions Get The Best Of You

Everything I said above is very true… and important.

A professional caregiver cannot tell you the preferences of your loved one. You have known them for so long and, yes, you do know their quirks and idiosyncrasies.

However, when it comes to providing care, all your emotions will come to the fore and you could inadvertently cause them some harm.

Not through lack of love but from lack of knowledge.

2. You Are Not Neutral Towards That Person

You see, you will be challenged by the need to give good care with the desire to give the person what he or she wants.

So here lies the problem!

Your emotional attachment to the person may actually prevent you from meeting the best needs of your loved one.

Why?

3. You Want To Avoid Causing Pain To Your Loved One

Your need to provide comfort and avoid causing pain may, in the long run actually cause them more pain.

Let me explain…

Say for example, your loved one cries when you move them. They may even say, “Stop, don’t do that! This is hurting me.”

But leaving them in one position may actually cause a pressure injury… which will cause more pain to heal than if you turned them from side to side.

It’s important to be able to hear when a loved one is in pain…

But also be able to work with them through the small pain to avoid major problems later.

4. You Find It Hard To Go Against Their Wishes

Another thing that you may encounter is that a person may not want to eat.

Not wanting to force them to eat, you bend to their wishes.

But how are you going to provide them with nourishment that may help them to heal?

If you don’t know what is around that will give them the nourishment they need without expecting them to eat the food you have lovingly prepared for them…

Then they will become undernourished or even malnourished, which is worse.

5. Behavioral Changes Are Hard To Cope With

You may also have to cope with changes in behavior of the person you love.

They could change from the person you know to some other person you have never seen before.

These behaviors will challenge you beyond belief.

The normal compliant and loving person, may become an aggressive animal that will challenge your emotions.

It could even lead you to placing a person in care, long before they need to…

Simply because you did not know how to handle the problems and changes in behavior that person may be experiencing.

Seeking Assistance Or Seeking Training?

It makes good sense to learn some of the know-how of the trade because there are many tricks that will help you.

But these tricks are not always easy to find.

Even if you’re employing a professional caregiver to help you, they will probably come in, do the care for you and then leave.

This may be wonderful for an hour or two… but you have another 22 hours of the day to deal with.

Therefore, getting the skills and learning how to manage your emotions is key to being able to last the distance in the role of caregiving. And this is likely to be a marathon, not a sprint.

Knowing what you are doing is one of the battle skills that will make it easier for you to cope with the added responsibility.

Have a loved one that’s causing you stress? Click here to learn 6 powerful strategies for dealing with Challenging Behaviors in aging relatives.

Filed Under: Parents Moving In Tagged With: parents moving in

Making Your Wishes Known

by Leigh Kelly

making-your-wishes-known

How Can You Ensure That Your Wishes Are Carried Out If You Need Care?

Nobody knows what is around the corner for them…

And maybe you’ve never thought about writing your wishes down?

But if you don’t tell people what you want, then they will give you what they THINK you want…

Apart from the fact that you don’t get what you want… it can cause discord among family members – especially your children.

Without your wishes written down, they will be up for interpretation from all the different conversations you’ve had.

The fact remains, they don’t know what you want. And if you still don’t believe me, take a look at this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=728-6jBXyoc

So how are you going to overcome all of this?

Write it down yourself. Or at least in conjunction with those closest to you or your health practitioner.

This is the only way you will have any hope of getting the care or funeral you want.

So Where Do You Start?

This is why most people don’t get started in the first place.

It used to seem like the biggest stumbling block to overcome.

But that’s no longer the case as it’s been made easy by setting up an Advanced Care Plan or ACP.

All the information you need can be found here:
https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/publication/advance-care-planning

It covers all you need to know and how to take the first steps.

Need To Know: Writing An ACP

Firstly, you should have your Power of Attorney set up. This is likely to be legal document in some states or countries, so look into this first.

Then you should consider setting up an Advanced Directive or Living Will.

Some states and countries have specific forms to complete which could have different titles. So, again check out what is applicable for your state or country.

To understand more go to: http://www.patientsrightscouncil.org/site/advance-directives-definitions/

While an Advanced Care Plan is not necessarily a legal document, it does get you to think about what you want at the end of your life.

And it encourages you to discuss it with others and makes your wishes known.

This affords you the opportunity to get at least some of what you want and prevent your family from being at odds with each other when the time comes for these tough decisions to be made.

One thing to note is you need to review these documents on an ongoing basis because you may change your mind and new treatments are always being made available.

The Final Point I Want To Make Clear Is… 

Don’t just do it and leave it in a drawer somewhere.

Make sure you keep it with the appropriate people that are going to be able to carry out your wishes.

This could be a family member, solicitor, health professional or care facility.

Finally, if and when you update it, send the updated copy to the same people who had the original.

The 4 Most Important Things You Should Know About An Advanced Care Plan:

  1. Talk to family about what you want and write it down
  2. Gives copies to the people who need to know your wishes
  3. Update it annually and give updated copies to the significant people in your life
  4. Make sure each copy is dated and signed by you

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

Filed Under: Parents Moving In Tagged With: parents moving in

What Is A Living Will Or Advanced Directive?

by Leigh Kelly

Living Will and Advanced Directive

When you or a parent you’re caring for reaches a point in life where you know the end is fast approaching and you’re thinking about what you would like to have happen to you…

How are you going to ensure this critical information is communicated accurately?

You may have to enter a care facility that requires you to have an Advanced Directive or Durable Power of Attorney in place that forces you to consider a Living Will.

If you wait until you have a crisis, you’re way too late.

Leaving Things To Chance?

Now most people don’t think about these things because most don’t want to face the fact that they will die one day.

This may be because they don’t want to think about it at all or maybe they simply don’t understand the importance of having an Advanced Directive.

Whatever the reason, the fact still remains you don’t want to leave things to chance or to others.

Make the choice for yourself. And encourage your parents to think about it as well.

Why Is A Living Will Important?

Well let’s take a look at this scenario…

You’re at church one day and (God forbid) you collapse. You’re rushed to hospital and as you’re unconscious, the doctor asks, “Is this person for resuscitation? Do they have an Advanced Directive in place?”

Those around you look at each other and shrug!

Then someone says, “I know they don’t want to be resuscitated!”.

The doctors asks, “How do you know? Where is the proof? Is it in writing? Do they have it with them?”

And everyone around you looks at each other with blank stares. The fact is no one actually knows and the doctor will lose valuable time to act.

So, What Is An Advanced Directive?

An Advanced Directive is a “document by which a person makes provision for healthcare decisions in the event that, in the future, he/she becomes unable to make those decisions” (Patients’ Rights Council, Ohio).

Now, a Living Will is a legal document and is state and country specific. So be sure to check out these requirements first.

You can find more information at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0jNWMZUezU

There are many things you will need to think about.

Examples Of Decisions You May Have To Make

Do you want a physician to withhold or withdraw any medical interventions? If so, in what circumstances?

Do you want to be resuscitated? If so, under what circumstances?

Do you want to receive antibiotic treatment? Are there any exclusions?

Do you want to be an organ donor? Are there any limitations on organs to be donated?

Do you want to donate your body to science?

Another thing you need to consider is…

How Are Others Going To Know Your Wishes?

Will you carry a card on you with the relevant information and who your nominated proxy is if you cannot speak for yourself?

Will it be only in paper form with your solicitor?

Does your doctor have a copy?

Who in your family will know about your wishes?

Are there people you want excluded from having this information?

Write It Down

While it seems like there is a mountain of things that you need to know as you or your parents age…

If you want to have a say in a time of crisis then you need to write it down. Not later, but now.

Otherwise you’ll be leaving it to chance and trust that people will make the right decision for you.

Are you prepared to play this game of chance?

To learn more about Advanced Directives and how you can be prepared for a future crisis, check out this short video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaQ8Z9XFK8E

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

Filed Under: Parents Moving In

Why Have A Power of Attorney?

by Leigh Kelly

Why Have A Power of Attorney?

What important discussions should you have with family?

We often leave the “hard stuff’ out of our conversations with our loved ones.

Like Do you want to be resuscitated? If so, in what situations?

Do you want to receive any aggressive treatment if you suffer a medical condition that could be terminal?

At what stage do you want help with finances?  Who are you going to trust with looking after your money and your welfare?

All the above are incredibly important conversations you need to have with your parents.

You should also think about it for yourself. Because if something happens to you, who is going to be your guardian or attorney?

If you don’t have this documentation that contains your choice of a guardian, it will be left for the courts to decide and they may not appoint the person you would choose.

I’m talking about making sure you have a Power of Attorney in place.

So, What Is A Power Of Attorney?

“A power of attorney (POA) or letter of attorney is a written authorization to represent or act on another’s behalf in private affairs, business, or some other legal matter, sometimes against the wishes of the other.”

Essentially what this means is that you have in writing who you (or your parents) want to look after your affairs if you cannot look after them yourself.

However, the word attorney should not be confused with a lawyer.  In the case we are talking about, it means someone to act on your behalf when you can no longer do it for yourself.

Generally, this person is not paid. However, if the person is receiving remuneration for doing this job, a written contract should be in place.

The Power of Attorney document does not need to be kept private, but the contract or remuneration should be.

Now that is cleared up let’s take a look at the basics for securing a Power of Attorney document.

Power Of Attorney Basics

First and foremost, you must have what is known as capacity – which means do you have the mental capacity to set this up.

For example, if a person has Alzheimer’s Disease or some other mental health issue that renders them not to have capacity, then they cannot set it up.

You can see why it is important to have this discussion early and have the documents in place as an insurance policy for you, so to speak.  Set it up now to make sure you get the people you want to speak or act for you or look after your property and finances.

Setting Up A Power Of Attorney

Now setting up a power of attorney or an enduring power of attorney, is a legal document.

While you may think a verbal discussion is sufficient, it may not be.  To ensure it is binding, it has to be in writing.  The exact wording or limitation of power may vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction so you are best to consult a lawyer to make sure you fully understand the stipulations.

You can find a power of attorney document for you to complete here:  https://www.rocketlawyer.com/sem/power_of_attorney

If you really want to save yourself and your loved one much heartache and grief by having to figure out what to do in a time of crisis, then plan ahead.

Be Proactive And Don’t Delay

Have the hard discussion with them NOW and put a plan in place to ensure they get their wishes granted. You’ll avoid the possibility of a random person who does not know you or your loved one from a bar of soap and has no emotion attached to the outcome (other than perhaps to get paid).

Be proactive.  Talk to your parent, consult with a lawyer and do it right the first time.

Also, don’t forget to review the document regularly.  Make sure it is always current because if something happens to the person you appoint before you require the power of attorney to be actioned, then you are back to square one not having your choice of person.

To clarify why you should have a Power or Attorney, check out this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqUeuBZtEaY

One more thing – know where the document is and tell others where it can be found.  Keep all your legal documents in the one place so you can have control over your circumstances.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

Filed Under: Parents Moving In

Managing The Holidays When Your Parents Move In

by Leigh Kelly

Managing The Holidays When Your Parents Move InWell we have reached that time..

Yes, Mom and Dad can no longer look after themselves. They need help and they chose holiday time to move in with you.

You think, “Oh what am I going to do? I have so much on my plate! I knew this would happen one day… Why now right on Christmas?”.

The reality is that this was going to happen eventually, wasn’t it?

I mean, you knew they weren’t going to be able to look after themselves one day…

But you just didn’t want to face it, right?

It’s Not Just You

Too often this scenario plays out in many people’s lives.

At some point Mom or Dad (or both) decide they cannot do it on their own any more.

Worse still, they come for a holiday and they just stay!

They may live in another city and the traveling is getting to be too much for them.

Whatever the reason, you need to face the fact that this is going to happen some day and you may not be able to avoid it.

It Wasn’t In The Plan…

I know life takes over.

You become busy with children, school, community activities and work.

Mom or Dad didn’t take up too much of your time apart from the phone calls and occasional visits.

They were doing fine weren’t they? They seemed to be managing all right on their own?

But the fact is, they probably weren’t at all but didn’t tell you.

Can You Be Prepared?

So how are you going to prevent a situation where you have to scramble around and find solutions in a hurry?

The answer is simple:

  • Expect that it will happen one day. Anticipating that a problem will occur takes a lot of stress away from you – and from them.
  • Have the conversation with them early so you know what they are thinking.  It may be that they have always expected to move in with you or they may move in on short notice because they do not have a plan B.
  • Make some inquiries about suitable help in the home before a crisis occurs, or find out what residential care is available for short term or long term.

Yes, Parents Can Be Difficult

Now I know that parents can be difficult.

Some can have expectations of you that you have no intention of fulfilling.

Some parents may have no intention of ever moving in with you but suddenly they are faced with a situation out of their control… and they are relying on you to help.

We Aren’t All Prepared

Many cultures do not see this as a problem.

They expect to take care of their family at some point.

Some cultures expect a particular child to fill this role.

Some have their parent living with them while children are growing up… but this is not necessarily the case for all of us.

While it may have been more common 200 years ago or even 50 years ago, this is not the norm now.

The World Has Changed

We are a very mobile society.

It is quite rare for children to stay in the same town they grew up in these days.

We move to different cities, towns or even countries for jobs or by choice for a better life or job.

This makes it difficult for parents left, often with no one to speak up for or take care of them until a crisis situation develops.

Reducing Stress

So how can you reduce the trauma for all when or if this happens?

Well it really is quite simple.

Have these discussions early with your parents or parent.

As I said earlier, have a plan B in place.

Then even if things change, you still have a solid plan you can work with.

So these holidays, if you are lucky enough to have all the family together start the discussion.

Get everyone on the same page.

Have the start of a plan at least.  This will save a lot of distress for all concerned.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress?

Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on, maintain your relationship, and eliminate unnecessary stress .

Filed Under: Parents Moving In

Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?

by Leigh Kelly

are-you-your-own-worst-enemy_Are you a carer struggling to care for a loved one at home on your own?

When did you last take a holiday or get a break? When did you last put yourself first?

Do you think you are the only one that can do the caring?

What will happen to your loved one if your fall apart if you are not able to continue caring?

What is your support network doing to help you? Do they just expect you to keep going 24/7 365 days a year?

Do you not trust anyone to take over your role?

Do you have trouble saying NO – I NEED A HOLIDAY!

You’re Not Alone…

Why am I saying this?

Well, it is very easy to fall into this trap…. but you do not need to be a martyr to yourself.

You will not get any medals at the pearly gates for just soldiering on, on your own.

Yes trying to keep going when you get tired is heading for disaster not only for you but your loved ones too!

You need a holiday to enable you to keep caring longer.

Is This You?

So is this you? Do you not put yourself first?

Do you think you are managing well when in fact you may not be?

The reality is, if you became unwell then everyone is going to have to manage without you – and they do.

So if this rings a bell with you and you are telling yourself “I can’t take a holiday. No one else can do this job as well as I can.”

Or “I don’t have anyone that can relieve me.” If I am not here, what will happen?”

Maybe You Need A Break

Well I will tell you what will happen.

Support will arrive.

If you plan to take a break rather than wait to take a break, you will give your brain and body a holiday AND you will be able to keep caring for longer.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress?

Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

For The Indispensible

Now to back this up I came across this article, “Graveyards are full of indispensable people” (apt don’t you think?).

While this is about lawyers it really fits for every person who thinks they are indispensable.

Check this out: http://thegirlsguidetolawschool.com/12/the-graveyards-are-full-of-indispensable-people/

You see by making yourself indispensable you ruin your life. Yep, it’s true.

Are you ruining your life? Are you driving yourself to an early grave? Are you really doing the best for your loved ones? Does this picture fit you?

You Don’t Have To Be The Only One

So if you think you have got yourself into a situation that you cant get out of…

That your loved one would not survive for a week or a month without you… you are wrong.

They will survive without you.

Sure they will miss you and you will miss them, but they will survive.

If you want to change and start thinking of yourself, then check this resource out.  http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Being-Indispensable

The Value Of Cross Training

The military know the value of cross training – of not creating indispensable people.

It could cost you your life, literally.

There is no difference between the military and your work as a carer.

Train someone to take over from you so you can have a life.

Let someone else do your job… Show them how to do it the way you or the person you’re caring for likes it to be done. What they are familiar with?

If you don’t know how, then check out these cross training tips: http://www.forbes.com/sites/chriscancialosi/2014/09/15/cross-training-your-best-defense-against-indispensable-employees/

Take A Break

Don’t be one of those people who kills themselves with work or being a martyr.

You are worth far more to your loved ones when you are rested, at peace and full of energy.

Look after yourself. Take a break. You owe it to yourself. You deserve a break.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

Filed Under: Parents Moving In

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