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Parents Moving In

Making Your Wishes Known

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making-your-wishes-known

How Can You Ensure That Your Wishes Are Carried Out If You Need Care?

Nobody knows what is around the corner for them…

And maybe you’ve never thought about writing your wishes down?

But if you don’t tell people what you want, then they will give you what they THINK you want…

Apart from the fact that you don’t get what you want… it can cause discord among family members – especially your children.

Without your wishes written down, they will be up for interpretation from all the different conversations you’ve had.

The fact remains, they don’t know what you want. And if you still don’t believe me, take a look at this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=728-6jBXyoc

So how are you going to overcome all of this?

Write it down yourself. Or at least in conjunction with those closest to you or your health practitioner.

This is the only way you will have any hope of getting the care or funeral you want.

So Where Do You Start?

This is why most people don’t get started in the first place.

It used to seem like the biggest stumbling block to overcome.

But that’s no longer the case as it’s been made easy by setting up an Advanced Care Plan or ACP.

All the information you need can be found here:
https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/publication/advance-care-planning

It covers all you need to know and how to take the first steps.

Need To Know: Writing An ACP

Firstly, you should have your Power of Attorney set up. This is likely to be legal document in some states or countries, so look into this first.

Then you should consider setting up an Advanced Directive or Living Will.

Some states and countries have specific forms to complete which could have different titles. So, again check out what is applicable for your state or country.

To understand more go to: http://www.patientsrightscouncil.org/site/advance-directives-definitions/

While an Advanced Care Plan is not necessarily a legal document, it does get you to think about what you want at the end of your life.

And it encourages you to discuss it with others and makes your wishes known.

This affords you the opportunity to get at least some of what you want and prevent your family from being at odds with each other when the time comes for these tough decisions to be made.

One thing to note is you need to review these documents on an ongoing basis because you may change your mind and new treatments are always being made available.

The Final Point I Want To Make Clear Is… 

Don’t just do it and leave it in a drawer somewhere.

Make sure you keep it with the appropriate people that are going to be able to carry out your wishes.

This could be a family member, solicitor, health professional or care facility.

Finally, if and when you update it, send the updated copy to the same people who had the original.

The 4 Most Important Things You Should Know About An Advanced Care Plan:

  1. Talk to family about what you want and write it down
  2. Gives copies to the people who need to know your wishes
  3. Update it annually and give updated copies to the significant people in your life
  4. Make sure each copy is dated and signed by you

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

What Is A Living Will Or Advanced Directive?

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Living Will and Advanced Directive

When you or a parent you’re caring for reaches a point in life where you know the end is fast approaching and you’re thinking about what you would like to have happen to you…

How are you going to ensure this critical information is communicated accurately?

You may have to enter a care facility that requires you to have an Advanced Directive or Durable Power of Attorney in place that forces you to consider a Living Will.

If you wait until you have a crisis, you’re way too late.

Leaving Things To Chance?

Now most people don’t think about these things because most don’t want to face the fact that they will die one day.

This may be because they don’t want to think about it at all or maybe they simply don’t understand the importance of having an Advanced Directive.

Whatever the reason, the fact still remains you don’t want to leave things to chance or to others.

Make the choice for yourself. And encourage your parents to think about it as well.

Why Is A Living Will Important?

Well let’s take a look at this scenario…

You’re at church one day and (God forbid) you collapse. You’re rushed to hospital and as you’re unconscious, the doctor asks, “Is this person for resuscitation? Do they have an Advanced Directive in place?”

Those around you look at each other and shrug!

Then someone says, “I know they don’t want to be resuscitated!”.

The doctors asks, “How do you know? Where is the proof? Is it in writing? Do they have it with them?”

And everyone around you looks at each other with blank stares. The fact is no one actually knows and the doctor will lose valuable time to act.

So, What Is An Advanced Directive?

An Advanced Directive is a “document by which a person makes provision for healthcare decisions in the event that, in the future, he/she becomes unable to make those decisions” (Patients’ Rights Council, Ohio).

Now, a Living Will is a legal document and is state and country specific. So be sure to check out these requirements first.

You can find more information at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0jNWMZUezU

There are many things you will need to think about.

Examples Of Decisions You May Have To Make

Do you want a physician to withhold or withdraw any medical interventions? If so, in what circumstances?

Do you want to be resuscitated? If so, under what circumstances?

Do you want to receive antibiotic treatment? Are there any exclusions?

Do you want to be an organ donor? Are there any limitations on organs to be donated?

Do you want to donate your body to science?

Another thing you need to consider is…

How Are Others Going To Know Your Wishes?

Will you carry a card on you with the relevant information and who your nominated proxy is if you cannot speak for yourself?

Will it be only in paper form with your solicitor?

Does your doctor have a copy?

Who in your family will know about your wishes?

Are there people you want excluded from having this information?

Write It Down

While it seems like there is a mountain of things that you need to know as you or your parents age…

If you want to have a say in a time of crisis then you need to write it down. Not later, but now.

Otherwise you’ll be leaving it to chance and trust that people will make the right decision for you.

Are you prepared to play this game of chance?

To learn more about Advanced Directives and how you can be prepared for a future crisis, check out this short video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaQ8Z9XFK8E

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

Why Have A Power of Attorney?

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Why Have A Power of Attorney?

What important discussions should you have with family?

We often leave the “hard stuff’ out of our conversations with our loved ones.

Like Do you want to be resuscitated? If so, in what situations?

Do you want to receive any aggressive treatment if you suffer a medical condition that could be terminal?

At what stage do you want help with finances?  Who are you going to trust with looking after your money and your welfare?

All the above are incredibly important conversations you need to have with your parents.

You should also think about it for yourself. Because if something happens to you, who is going to be your guardian or attorney?

If you don’t have this documentation that contains your choice of a guardian, it will be left for the courts to decide and they may not appoint the person you would choose.

I’m talking about making sure you have a Power of Attorney in place.

So, What Is A Power Of Attorney?

“A power of attorney (POA) or letter of attorney is a written authorization to represent or act on another’s behalf in private affairs, business, or some other legal matter, sometimes against the wishes of the other.”

Essentially what this means is that you have in writing who you (or your parents) want to look after your affairs if you cannot look after them yourself.

However, the word attorney should not be confused with a lawyer.  In the case we are talking about, it means someone to act on your behalf when you can no longer do it for yourself.

Generally, this person is not paid. However, if the person is receiving remuneration for doing this job, a written contract should be in place.

The Power of Attorney document does not need to be kept private, but the contract or remuneration should be.

Now that is cleared up let’s take a look at the basics for securing a Power of Attorney document.

Power Of Attorney Basics

First and foremost, you must have what is known as capacity – which means do you have the mental capacity to set this up.

For example, if a person has Alzheimer’s Disease or some other mental health issue that renders them not to have capacity, then they cannot set it up.

You can see why it is important to have this discussion early and have the documents in place as an insurance policy for you, so to speak.  Set it up now to make sure you get the people you want to speak or act for you or look after your property and finances.

Setting Up A Power Of Attorney

Now setting up a power of attorney or an enduring power of attorney, is a legal document.

While you may think a verbal discussion is sufficient, it may not be.  To ensure it is binding, it has to be in writing.  The exact wording or limitation of power may vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction so you are best to consult a lawyer to make sure you fully understand the stipulations.

You can find a power of attorney document for you to complete here:  https://www.rocketlawyer.com/sem/power_of_attorney

If you really want to save yourself and your loved one much heartache and grief by having to figure out what to do in a time of crisis, then plan ahead.

Be Proactive And Don’t Delay

Have the hard discussion with them NOW and put a plan in place to ensure they get their wishes granted. You’ll avoid the possibility of a random person who does not know you or your loved one from a bar of soap and has no emotion attached to the outcome (other than perhaps to get paid).

Be proactive.  Talk to your parent, consult with a lawyer and do it right the first time.

Also, don’t forget to review the document regularly.  Make sure it is always current because if something happens to the person you appoint before you require the power of attorney to be actioned, then you are back to square one not having your choice of person.

To clarify why you should have a Power or Attorney, check out this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqUeuBZtEaY

One more thing – know where the document is and tell others where it can be found.  Keep all your legal documents in the one place so you can have control over your circumstances.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

Managing The Holidays When Your Parents Move In

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Managing The Holidays When Your Parents Move InWell we have reached that time..

Yes, Mom and Dad can no longer look after themselves. They need help and they chose holiday time to move in with you.

You think, “Oh what am I going to do? I have so much on my plate! I knew this would happen one day… Why now right on Christmas?”.

The reality is that this was going to happen eventually, wasn’t it?

I mean, you knew they weren’t going to be able to look after themselves one day…

But you just didn’t want to face it, right?

It’s Not Just You

Too often this scenario plays out in many people’s lives.

At some point Mom or Dad (or both) decide they cannot do it on their own any more.

Worse still, they come for a holiday and they just stay!

They may live in another city and the traveling is getting to be too much for them.

Whatever the reason, you need to face the fact that this is going to happen some day and you may not be able to avoid it.

It Wasn’t In The Plan…

I know life takes over.

You become busy with children, school, community activities and work.

Mom or Dad didn’t take up too much of your time apart from the phone calls and occasional visits.

They were doing fine weren’t they? They seemed to be managing all right on their own?

But the fact is, they probably weren’t at all but didn’t tell you.

Can You Be Prepared?

So how are you going to prevent a situation where you have to scramble around and find solutions in a hurry?

The answer is simple:

  • Expect that it will happen one day. Anticipating that a problem will occur takes a lot of stress away from you – and from them.
  • Have the conversation with them early so you know what they are thinking.  It may be that they have always expected to move in with you or they may move in on short notice because they do not have a plan B.
  • Make some inquiries about suitable help in the home before a crisis occurs, or find out what residential care is available for short term or long term.

Yes, Parents Can Be Difficult

Now I know that parents can be difficult.

Some can have expectations of you that you have no intention of fulfilling.

Some parents may have no intention of ever moving in with you but suddenly they are faced with a situation out of their control… and they are relying on you to help.

We Aren’t All Prepared

Many cultures do not see this as a problem.

They expect to take care of their family at some point.

Some cultures expect a particular child to fill this role.

Some have their parent living with them while children are growing up… but this is not necessarily the case for all of us.

While it may have been more common 200 years ago or even 50 years ago, this is not the norm now.

The World Has Changed

We are a very mobile society.

It is quite rare for children to stay in the same town they grew up in these days.

We move to different cities, towns or even countries for jobs or by choice for a better life or job.

This makes it difficult for parents left, often with no one to speak up for or take care of them until a crisis situation develops.

Reducing Stress

So how can you reduce the trauma for all when or if this happens?

Well it really is quite simple.

Have these discussions early with your parents or parent.

As I said earlier, have a plan B in place.

Then even if things change, you still have a solid plan you can work with.

So these holidays, if you are lucky enough to have all the family together start the discussion.

Get everyone on the same page.

Have the start of a plan at least.  This will save a lot of distress for all concerned.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress?

Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on, maintain your relationship, and eliminate unnecessary stress .

Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?

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are-you-your-own-worst-enemy_Are you a carer struggling to care for a loved one at home on your own?

When did you last take a holiday or get a break? When did you last put yourself first?

Do you think you are the only one that can do the caring?

What will happen to your loved one if your fall apart if you are not able to continue caring?

What is your support network doing to help you? Do they just expect you to keep going 24/7 365 days a year?

Do you not trust anyone to take over your role?

Do you have trouble saying NO – I NEED A HOLIDAY!

You’re Not Alone…

Why am I saying this?

Well, it is very easy to fall into this trap…. but you do not need to be a martyr to yourself.

You will not get any medals at the pearly gates for just soldiering on, on your own.

Yes trying to keep going when you get tired is heading for disaster not only for you but your loved ones too!

You need a holiday to enable you to keep caring longer.

Is This You?

So is this you? Do you not put yourself first?

Do you think you are managing well when in fact you may not be?

The reality is, if you became unwell then everyone is going to have to manage without you – and they do.

So if this rings a bell with you and you are telling yourself “I can’t take a holiday. No one else can do this job as well as I can.”

Or “I don’t have anyone that can relieve me.” If I am not here, what will happen?”

Maybe You Need A Break

Well I will tell you what will happen.

Support will arrive.

If you plan to take a break rather than wait to take a break, you will give your brain and body a holiday AND you will be able to keep caring for longer.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress?

Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

For The Indispensible

Now to back this up I came across this article, “Graveyards are full of indispensable people” (apt don’t you think?).

While this is about lawyers it really fits for every person who thinks they are indispensable.

Check this out: http://thegirlsguidetolawschool.com/12/the-graveyards-are-full-of-indispensable-people/

You see by making yourself indispensable you ruin your life. Yep, it’s true.

Are you ruining your life? Are you driving yourself to an early grave? Are you really doing the best for your loved ones? Does this picture fit you?

You Don’t Have To Be The Only One

So if you think you have got yourself into a situation that you cant get out of…

That your loved one would not survive for a week or a month without you… you are wrong.

They will survive without you.

Sure they will miss you and you will miss them, but they will survive.

If you want to change and start thinking of yourself, then check this resource out.  http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Being-Indispensable

The Value Of Cross Training

The military know the value of cross training – of not creating indispensable people.

It could cost you your life, literally.

There is no difference between the military and your work as a carer.

Train someone to take over from you so you can have a life.

Let someone else do your job… Show them how to do it the way you or the person you’re caring for likes it to be done. What they are familiar with?

If you don’t know how, then check out these cross training tips: http://www.forbes.com/sites/chriscancialosi/2014/09/15/cross-training-your-best-defense-against-indispensable-employees/

Take A Break

Don’t be one of those people who kills themselves with work or being a martyr.

You are worth far more to your loved ones when you are rested, at peace and full of energy.

Look after yourself. Take a break. You owe it to yourself. You deserve a break.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

Making Difficult Decisions – One Thing You Need To Do

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Making Difficult DecisionsWe all face situations from time to time where we aren’t sure if something is wrong or if we’re imagining things.

You know, things like…

  • Has my mother really got a problem with her memory or is it just because she is getting old?
  • Is my dad taking his pills correctly or am I just too busy to remember how many were in the bottle in the first place?
  • Is the lesion on my body something I need to worry about or am I being paranoid?

Am I Wasting My Time?

We play these mind games with ourselves and think, well if I just left it a bit longer it might just go away… or I am just too busy to think about this now?

But maybe you just need to think how much time are you wasting worrying about the situation.

Is it taking you away from others things that are also important?

Why wait till the situation gets worse and a crisis happens?

Time To Get Moving

Every time you put something off or think it doesn’t matter and you push it to the back of your mind, you can guarantee it is going to keep coming back to you.

Every time you have a few spare minutes, here it comes again to remind you.

So, what is the solution?

Action.

That’s right. Do something.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

What You Can Do

You see, you can put things off for a variety of reasons but at the end of the day, if you act early you can alleviate yourself of a lot of unnecessary mind chatter…

Because it will go around in your head until you do.

What are some easy actions you can take to get started assessing the situation instead of worrying?

Some suggestions are…

  • If you have money issues then call the bank
  • If you think you have a health issue, call the doctor and make an appointment
  • If you have family issues then discuss it with the person concerned or a trusted friend that could shed a different light on the subject

It’s All Small Stuff

You see, the key to good emotional health is to not sweat the small stuff.

Because at the end of the day, it is all small stuff.

Sound easy? Well no it isn’t always that easy but one thing I can guarantee.

For the most part, when you look back after 6 months you will wonder just why you were worrying so much.

A Few Useful Tools

In the process of taking some action you may like to consider some other useful tools that I have found to be helpful.

Journaling

I call this my silent friend.

It is a place where I can download all my worries, or successes.

It is a place where no one comes back with any solutions for me, but me.

It allows me to take it out of my head and put it on paper.

And once it is on paper, I have freed up space and can allow myself to focus on other things.

Angel Letter Writing

Now this may seem a bit way out… but it works.

Angel Letter Writing is where you write a letter to the person that is involved in a personal issue for you.

You outline what the problem is between you, how it is affecting you and ask for a resolution or something positive to come out of it.

You then burn the letter and let it go.

Helping Yourself

These suggestions may seem a bit strange but sometime talking it out with others doesn’t work.

Instead it may perpetuate the issue.

After all, what you are looking for is inner peace because the issues or issues are affecting you…

But it may not even be affecting the other person.

So rather than waste your precious energy giving the problem more energy than it deserves… do something different to help you and your peace of mind.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.