Parents Moving In

Within families and groups there are many different behaviors and coping strategies that people adopt.

Often to gain control of the situation or their lives…

This is not usually a conscious decision as many people may not even know they behave this way.

However, over the years I have been working with people and indeed in my own personal life, I have begun to realize that I have no control over the way people behave, what they do or say.

I have learned to accept that it is a waste of time getting upset about such things because it goes nowhere and at the end of the day, it is only me getting upset.

Why Does This Matter?

Understanding this is crucially important for your sanity as a carer because you cannot change the way other people think or behave…

Much as you would like to or indeed try to.

You see, you only know what you know.

And to get inside someone else’s head is not only impossible but it will cause you so much unnecessary grief.

So what am I talking about?

When You Need Help

Well some people can never accept a suggestion..

They have to come back with a counter offer.

For example, you may decide to meet up or send a care roster around the family to help get people on board.

Some people will accept this and say that is fine. I will adjust my schedule to fit in.

Another may want to change everything and nothing works for them.

They want to meet up at a different place or change the whole roster around.

There’s Always One…

Now for some there will be a genuine reason for changing things around.

But I am talking about the person who consistently makes things difficult and never agrees to anything.

You know, there is always a counter offer or for some reason they can’t work with others.

These people appear to have control everything.

They may not realize consciously that they are behaving in such a way, but you see the trends.

That one family member that just will not fit in with everyone.

The question you may need to ask though, is this person happy?

Because often they are not.

Do they fit into any of these scenarios? Read more here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tamara-star/7-habit-of-chronically-unhappy-people_b_6174000.html

Here’s What You Do

So how are you going to handle this even if you know the person is unhappy or just obstructive?

You can try asking them to organize a time to meet up or get them to do the roster in the first place.

Put it back on them before you even start to suggest something.

While this may work, be prepared for it not to work because these people have worked on the counter offer principle.

They may not want to change or believe there is some weakness in saying “yes that is fine”.

How To Deal With Uncooperative Relatives

Now I am not saying that everyone has to fit in with your plan or suggestion or that saying “No it does not work for me” is not okay.

What I am talking about it the person who consistently comes back with counter offers and tries to manipulate every situation that occurs.

Nothing will be satisfactory for them.

See more on how to deal with uncooperative relatives here: http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Difficult-Relatives

You’re Not Alone…

Such a situation is really difficult because the danger for you is to get into making up your own stories which may or may not be true or indeed have any relevance.

The people who behave in such a manner can be anyone in your life, but it is more difficult when it is family member.

You may just want to meet up to keep in contact or there may be a crisis where everyone needs to pull together for the good of a particular family member like an elderly parent.

How To Avoid The Stress

There are no simple or easy answers to handling these situations however, one thing I can say…

Keep it in perspective and do not try to second guess what is behind the person’s behavior.

It will do your head in and create unnecessary stress for you.

You might find some useful tips in this article https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201406/how-spot-and-stop-manipulators

You Can Only Change Yourself

Remember though, you cannot change anyone that does not want to change.

You cannot make anyone do what they don’t want to do or won’t do.

You can only change the way you behave, think or manage the situation.

Creating added stress in your life is counterproductive for you.

Important Questions To Ask…

So ask yourself the following:

• Why do I want this person to help?
• What are my reasons for getting people together?
• Is this worth my energy to keep trying and getting either rejected or counter offers coming back?
• What would be the worst thing that could happen if I didn’t include this person?
• What are my motives?
• How can I make this situation better for me?

Be Careful Not To Waste Your Energy

You see, in this world, you are only responsible for yourself and your own mental health.

What other people do, think or say, really is nothing to do with you.

Yes, it is hard as no one wants to feel alone, isolated or overburdened especially when you are the one left with the role of caring.

Playing happy families may be your way of coping but the reality is, often happy families are a myth.

Creating you own happy self is paramount.

So instead of trying to get families together or to help when they don’t want to is wasting your energy.

Find support from others, either friends or organizations.

This is where you should be spending your energy.

A Strategy That Supports You

So develop a strategy that supports you rather than destroys you.

Focus on an area that works for you rather than against you.

This way, your role of caring will have a much higher return for your emotional investment.

Simple?

Well, no it isn’t but necessary for your survival, personal satisfaction and happiness.

To find out more on happiness, read this: http://www.lifecoachexpert.co.uk/whyishappinesssoimportant.html

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

This is not something I have written about for a while but living authentically is not as hard as it may seem.

You see, we can get so bogged down in the worries of life that we forget to be thankful for what we have.

While blessing every experience you have in life may seem a big ask when the situation you’re in is so bad…

But when you change the way you see the situation, somehow life takes on a different slant.

How You Look At Life

You may have heard of the saying “trusting in the universe” or the “power of prayer”.

You may be religious and believe and use the power of prayer or you may not be religious at all but the reality is that these are all positive experiences that help you in times of need.

And what’s more, they are readily available all the time and FREE. They don’t cost a cent!

I was once told that prayer was talking to God and meditation was listening to God.

But whatever your belief, when you go within, stop the internal negative chatter box that is making your life worse and replace it with more positive chatter box… such things as prayer and meditation do work.

Never Let Go Of Your Beliefs

I was talking to an acquaintance recently who has such a belief.

He had been really unwell with bowel problems for around 3 months and finally was admitted to hospital.

They came up with all sorts of conditions they thought he might have yet all tests produced negative results.

In the end one of the doctors thought the best thing was to remove all his large bowel and give him a colostomy.

So what did he do? He dug his toes in and said No!

He continued asking for guidance to help solve the problem and for him it was through prayer or asking God for help – and he never let up.

That’s When Things Change…

Along came a lady doctor who happened to think outside the box and asked “Have you ever been in Africa?”

He actually had some 25+ years ago so she tested him for a parasitic infection, and low and behold that is what he had.

Now after 4 weeks in the hospital he is recovering and back to work.

If he hadn’t continued with his belief and kept searching he may have ended up with no lower bowel.

Just Ask…

Now I am not saying that anyone else has the same problem.

What I am saying is that when you take your focus away from the doom and gloom of a situation, and look for answers or help, it will arrive.

A technique I use is to ask things like “What do I need to do now?” “Where can I go for help?” “How can I solve this?”

I just keep asking and suddenly I will get a phone call for help, someone will offer some assistance or I will see something when I am searching the net.

Whatever it is, help or a solution does arrive.

Energy Follows Attention

So what I am saying here is, where ever your attention goes, energy will follow.

Look towards doom and gloom and you will get more of it.

Look towards good and a solution and I guarantee you will be rewarded.

Below are 22 ‘words of wisdom’ to help you live an authentic life.

These are not mine. You may have seen it before, but we all need reminders from time to time.

Take what you can use from them.

22 Pieces Of Advice For Living Authentically

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
3. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, “I love you,” mean it.
5. When you say, “I’m sorry,” look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone’s dream. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don’t judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, “Why do you want to know?”
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Say “bless you” when you hear someone sneeze.
16. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson
17. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
18. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
19. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
20. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
21. Spend some time alone.
22. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.

Have a parent that’s causing you stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain your relationship, and de-stress each day.

It is very easy to just keep pushing yourself and wait for the “right time” to take a break.

But you know, the right time is to plan ahead to take regular breaks and prepare your body for a break.

Stress Can Make You Ill

Stress has a nasty habit of creeping up on you.

While you may know or may not know you are stressed your body will suddenly say “I have had enough – TAKE A BREAK” so it gives you one by become making you ill.

I think the first time I really became aware of this situation was when I was a Charge Nurse and had clients in for respite care.

Without fail, the person would come into care for a couple of weeks to give the home carer a break, but the home carer would become so unwell they couldn’t enjoy the break.

More often than not it was usually with some viral infection but it rendered them incapable of being able to visit their loved one.

They were forced to take a rest.

The Stakes Are High

You see, soldiering on for long periods of time does not serve you.

Being a martyr has few rewards, if any, because in the end your body is in charge and will force a rest on you.

The sad thing about this though, is that once the body has reached such a state the ability to remain doing what you are doing, in this case a home carer, gets shorter…

Your body just will not allow you keep soldiering on.

While chesty type things were the most common stress-onset illness, I have also seen shingles and other virus’ or sicknesses occur as well.

You see, everyone has a susceptibility to certain conditions: a tipping point within your body.

How To Protect Yourself

So how can you protect yourself from the susceptibility of certain conditions?

One way is to not allow yourself to become over stressed.

While we all need some stress, as you know, or we would not be able to move forward…

Becoming overstressed, and for extended periods, will cause sickness or disease.

This is a well-known fact. (One source here: http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/stress.aspx)

Time To Moisturize

You see everything you do today affects your DNA and has an impact on you at some stage later in life.

Also as you age, you become more susceptible to certain things.

For instance, dry skin and orifices make it easier for bacteria and virus’ to enter the body.

This is why moisturising the skin, nasal passages and eyes is so important. It helps to protect your body.

Ever Been Sick On Vacation?

Have you ever been overseas on a wonderful holiday only to find you become sick either when you get there or when you get home?

One article I read recently claimed that the quick turnaround of planes has led to substandard cleaning of the planes so virus’ and bacteria’s stay on the surfaces tray tables and arm rests.

Having had one bad experience with being ill overseas, I now combat that by wiping down my tray table and arm rests as soon as I get into my seat.

I then use a moisturising nasal spray and eye drops throughout the flight as well as drinking as much water as I can.

So keeping the skin, and mucous membrane in the mouth, nose and eyes does offer protection.

You can see more in this article: https://nz.lifestyle.yahoo.com/travel/a/28190860/the-gross-truth-about-germs-and-airplanes/#page1

Moisturizing = Protection

Now there is very good reason to keep your skin and mucous membrane hydrated all of the time to help protect your body against the many bacteria and virus’ that cohabit with us.

They are not going to go away…

They have just as much right to be in this world as we do and we actually need them.

They are not all harmful to us but if we provide the right environment then of course they are going to make us unwell.

How To Stay Well

So let’s talk about some things that can help you to remain balanced and free from sickness.

• Obviously the first thing is to take regular breaks throughout the year. While it may be desirable to take one long break, the reality is that you have to wait a long time to get that break. Taking shorter breaks more often, with at least one of them a 2-week break, will help.
• Keep your skin and mucous membrane moist and well hydrated. So drink lots of water, use nasal clear sprays and eye drops. As I said earlier, this is definitely more important as you get older.
• Get plenty of sleep and rest. While I know sleep can elude many especially with age, the body needs to replenish itself from the daily activities you conduct. If you cannot get sleep, learn to meditate or study mindfulness techniques
• Nourish your body with food that supports your body. Avoid “fast” foods that are loaded with salt, fat and who knows what other additives. Add some raw food like salads to your diet.
• Get some exercise. Remember, exercise is cumulative. You don’t have to go out for an hour’s walk or pump away at a gym to get the benefits. Three x 10 minute walks will do as much good as one 30-minute walk. When you go shopping, park as far away as you can from where you are going to go and get your walk in that way.
• Don’t let your inner voice run away with you. The quality of your self-talk will determine the outcome of your day. If you think of every day as being a blessing, and that all things that happen are just an event that will pass, then it will lower your stress levels. In essence don’t allow yourself to over react to any situation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uc2mJPw_Hv4
• Take some time for yourself each day. Whether it is to read a book, sit in the sun, meet up with friends or meditate. This will rejuvenate you. You know housework and other things we think are important will wait until you are ready.

Ready For A Laugh?

Now with tongue in cheek I have put this video up for you to see.

The images I hope will give you a laugh – hardly appropriate to you no doubt, but the messages are good.

So read the captions and smile! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oI0kmozOrng

Take Care Of Yourself

So take care of yourself.

Don’t put your own health at risk by neglecting yourself.

You are important.

If your job is too stressful, then change it and find something else or get some support.

You do not want to subject yourself to some long term health condition because you put yourself last…

Have a parent that’s causing some stress? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain the relationship with your parent.

Do you have a “Pet Peeve?”

You know, things that really annoy you? The little things that really irritate you…

We all have them. Some have no rhyme nor reason while others seem pretty valid.

These are usually based on your expectations or beliefs which are often handed down from your parents while others are based purely on your values and how you behave.

A Common Pet Peeve

I read an article recently about poor customer service. This is a “pet peeve” for many.

How many times have you been ignored or left waiting while a sales person behind the counter carried on a conversation with their colleague instead of serving you?

Or you sit in a restaurant and feel like you are being ignored by the service staff? Or your order takes FOREVER to come?

Now think about this… How might it feel for a person who is about to make the BIGGEST decision of their life – to place a loved one into care – and no one acknowledges them when they arrive?

The Negative Influence

The thing about “pet peeves” is it influences your opinion so you are unlikely to go back to the shop where you felt ignored or the restaurant that gave you bad service or the facility that ignored you when you arrived to view it.

“Pet Peeves” take precedence over the positive things that happen.

We remember the bad and not the good even though there is usually more good than bad from the experience – if we choose to look for them!

It’s All In Our Heads

Why are we so conditioned to see the bad in every situation?

Because what we perceive as being bad will stick around a lot longer than the good…

Why don’t we rave about the good? It seems we take it in our stride because that is what we expect.

So the moment someone or some business steps out of line and doesn’t meet our expectation…

Our decision is based on this one experience and will take precedence over every good experience.

We judge the business, friend or workplace in this manner FOREVER even if it is different people, owners or friends. Most people are unforgiving of a misdemeanor.

Don’t Let The Pet Peeves Get You Down

So how would it be if you changed the way you thought? If you changed the inner dialogue you tell yourself and pass on to others?

Is this the image you want to promote about yourself, your work or your life? What do you want others to see?

Is it possible that you could influence your own mental health? Is it possible that your neurons would respond better to an increase in positive experiences?

Mario Sigmund believes your words can predict your future mental health… Take a look in his talk.

Look For The Good

So what if a revolution was started by just one person who told 10 people to look for the good in every situation? Turn your bad customer experience into something good for instance?

For example, the person who ignored you in the shop, maybe the good from this experience is that it sent you to the next store where you made a better or more suitable purchase.

Let’s say a shoe salesman doesn’t engage with you when you go in a shop so you walk out.

It could be that they had the right pair of shoes in that shop… but how did you know as they didn’t try to assist you?

So you go to the next shoe shop and while there was nothing really on display the sales person engages with you and brings out a selection of shoes for you to try on.

You end up getting what you want at this shop then.

No you don’t need to put the other shop down… Just tell people you found this great place to shop. Don’t waste your energy on bad experiences – turn them into good.

Pop Psychology

Martin Seligman is the father of Pop Psychology or positive psychology. He has spent years examining what makes people happy.

Pop psychology was born because someone asked the questions and started to explore this subject.

You can see this early clip on him talking in 2004. So you know it has been around for a long time and is well advanced now.

How Do You Think Of Yourself?

What does the work psychologist conjure up in you? Is it something positive or do you think they are going to psychoanalyse you and judge you?

Are you someone who looks for what is wrong with you rather than all the things that are right with you?

Positive psychology promotes the way you can improve your own mental health by the way you think about yourself and this can be done by the quality of the words you use.

And when your own mental health is good… the quality of the lives of those in your care benefit greatly.

Yes You Can Do It!

Did you know that an optimist lives, on average, 5 years longer than a pessimist?

What that tells me is that you can influence brain function and change your pathways purely by the way you think and what you tell yourself.

If you tell yourself you can’t do something then you are right… but if you tell yourself you can do something then you are also right.

This is what stimulates creativity, improves your outlook on life and ultimately influences your mental health.

Mind Over Matter

For example, I injured my right arm recently. I was told by my hand therapist when she put my arm in a splint, that I could not use it.

She didn’t tell me how long this would go on for, just that I couldn’t use it.

Now most of my work is on the computer… I type. I use the mouse in my right hand. So I had to switch to my left hand, plus I was not allowed to touch type!

This was a problem… becauseI am not ambidextrous and I am not a teenager or child. So I have been using the same method of working for many years.

Switching to my left hand to be able to work was not easy.

However, what I have found is that even in my advancing age, I can change my way of thinking and working.

So instead of becoming frustrated and throwing the toys out of the cot, I have told myself I can do it. I can learn something new.

Learn Something New

I knew it would take time but I also knew I could do it if I put my mind to it.

And you know what? Even though I am now permitted to use my right hand, I am still using my left hand and getting better and better every day!

So I have decided to become proficient at using my left hand even though I could very easily change it back to my right hand.

You see, one of the best things you can do for brain health is to learn new things – regardless of your age.

It’s All Up To You

So I guess the answer lies with you, the individual. If you want to have a happier life, then spend less time looking for the bad in things and believing you can’t change, and spend more time in looking for the good in life and believing you can change.

And when you have a positive outlook on having a parent in your care… not only do you do more than you thought you could…

But this positivity trickles down to them and their way of life as well.

Listen to this by Carol Dweck who talks about the power of yet. You may not have mastered changing the way you view experiences YET but with practice you can change.

Believe In The Power Of Yet

Finally, I have not built my business by saying I can’t. It was founded in 2005 when I was recovering from a fractured ankle, living on my own with no income and a mortgage to pay.

I built it on the power of “I can” and “Yet” and believing that the right people would come at the right time to help me.

Starting something new from scratch has lots of obstacles to overcome, no more than the financial, but you see, my personal mottos are “there are no prizes for coming second,” and “the right people appear at the right time”.

You see believing in the power of YET (I have not reached my peak of potential yet) and believing there are” no prizes for coming second”, is a great motivator to keep moving forward.

I don’t waste my time on pet peeves any more or feeling unhappy. I look for the good in everything.

So if you are interested in changing a habit, like looking for the bad in everything living with your glass always half empty, and want to live a happier more fulfilled life, this may help.

Have a parent that’s a little hard to handle? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain the relationship with your parent.

Save

It is inevitable that more and more people will be faced with the situation of having to take some responsibility for an elderly parent at some time in their life.

Because people are living longer.

Though there is another wrinkle to this… we are often working longer as well.

It is not unusual for people to be working up to age 70 years and beyond now.

And this is trend is very likely to continue.

Why Are We Living/Working Longer?

The baby boomer generation, on the whole, are more aware of a healthy lifestyle.

For some this may be the result of a health scare while for others they just want to lead a healthier life.

And with the continued growth of the use of computers and the internet, people now have easy access to more information than they ever have on how to keep healthy.

And they are using this tool to stay healthy and live longer.

What Does That Mean For Us?

Being a generation that has worked longer than ever before…

Many baby boomers have created some wealth and have a disposable income that they want to use and enjoy.

They have been working all their life and they want to use it on themselves.

In fact, many do not intend to leave an inheritance to their children…

Which is in sharp contrast to their parents who lived and work with the purpose of leaving an inheritance to their loved ones.

Have a parent that’s a little hard to handle? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain the relationship with your parent.

When They Can’t Do It On Their Own Anymore

So now you have finally made it. You have some time on your hands and the money to have some fun and enjoyment.

Life is wonderful till you get that phone call…

Your parent has had a fall and broken their hip.

And if that isn’t bad enough, they have not been able to be rehabilitated to go back home.

What do you do? “Don’t worry Mum (or Dad), you can come and live with us until you are well enough to manage on your own. You will be back in your home before you know it.”

But the month becomes two or three or even longer and you are beginning to become resentful towards your parent.

They have invaded your life and you can no longer chose to take that much needed or wanted world trip.

What do you do?

When The Going Gets Tough

You don’t want to hurt your parent’s feelings…

After all they did a lot for you when you were growing up. It is your role and duty isn’t it?

Nor do you want to kick them out but the relationships in your household are becoming very strained.

Your husband or partner is becoming titchy as you now no longer have the freedom to do just what you want to do, when you want to.

You are no longer available to them like you had planned.

The freedom that you longed to enjoy has now disappeared because you have to consider your parent.

Your Life Is Exciting, After All

You may even accuse them of not wanting to get well and go home.

This may be true….

They may have become socially isolated and now they have a cure for it: your house.

People around all the time; someone to talk to; something to look forward to every day.

This beats the loneliness of their own company but they just can’t bring themselves to say this nor do they want to say “Don’t worry dear, put me in a home”…

Learning To Care In Other Ways

What do you do in situations like this and what are your options?

There are many services available for you in the community.

If your parent really cannot go home and you can’t bring yourself to send them into care, you can have care in your home.

You don’t have to be the full time caregiver. You can get someone to

• Come in and help with her daily cares
• Take her shopping
• Be a companion
• Help with the chores (if they are living on their own)

It Doesn’t Have To Cost A Fortune Either

You may find that some services are free for people who qualify for funding.

Your parent themselves may be able to pay for it as well.

You have to be proactive to find out what is available for your parent and how you can get it.

Don’t let having to pay for some of this care put you off accessing it.

It is far better to look for solutions than to run the risk of “souring” your relationship with your parent.

And when you need a break, find out what is available to you. DON’T be a martyr.

Don’t Forget To Plan Ahead…

Plan a head too for the going will get tough…

And when you can’t do it any longer, then residential care is the option.

There are some very good places that will take good care of your parent and help you keep your relationship with them intact.

But again, be proactive and start early.

Get an idea of what is available so you have plan B in place; an option that you may or may not take up in the future when it all becomes too much for both you and your parent.

Preserve you relationship with them at all costs – you both deserve this at the very least.

Have a parent that’s a little hard to handle? Download our free Challenging Behaviors Guide to discover how you can figure out what’s going on and maintain the relationship with your parent.